31^st December, 2020

We are now here at the end of that very strange year, 2020. So much has been lost, and that must never be forgotten or belittled, but hopefully in the years to come we will look back and see some positivity in all this. Hard, I know, at the moment. I was in a strange frame of mind as Christmas drew near. I do have many positive memories of Christmas in past years, but there have also been so many bad, negative, memories and I have to try so hard to keep a balance. When I was with my ex-husband, he had a habit of doing his best to spoil any special occasion he could, in whatever way he could, and there have been some really horrible times.

We have not been in a relationship for nearly 20 years, but those memories burn into your brain and bubble back up to the surface if you let them. I have found ways to cope with them, but it can still be hard. Having said that, apart from the fact that we couldn't be with our family this year (they are now in tier 4, while we are still – for now at least – still in tier 3), we had a lovely day. Christmas came and went, with a new way of coping and I also realised how different it had become for me in my relationship with food.

I had a lovely Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, with lots of lovely festive food and drink and didn't worry about what I was consuming as I would have done in past years. Just before Christmas there was a slight panic, but not over Christmas itself. My panic may come across to some as silly, but to me it was real. Since I saw the orthopaedic specialist and was approved for my hip surgery, I have not lost much more weight. He was so adamant that I should be that weight, I panicked that I would put weight on, be called for the operation after Christmas and be refused because of my weight. That was not going to happen, in the fact that I am not going to be called in for the operation at the moment, but that did not stop the worry. It's a ludicrous situation, that all this depends on my B.M.I., but that is for another blog. After talking things over with Steve, the panic was put to rest and I was able to enjoy the festive days without a second thought until Boxing Day

That morning I got up, came downstairs and started to think about what I wanted for breakfast and realised I was ready to go back to what I usually ate. It was a very strange feeling. We had had some wonderful food, but I was beginning to feel that I wanted to go back to “normal”. Normal is not a good word to use but I wanted to go back to the way of eating I have established and made my lifestyle change this past year.

Festive food is lovely, rich and sugary, but lovely. However, I had to go back to the foods I liked to eat and the way I need to eat. I want to lose another two stone in the New Year, but at this time I just want to get back to the way I am more comfortable with and this time this feeling was so different to past years when I wanted to diet and felt so guilty if I ate what I shouldn't.

This time I felt that I could eat what I liked without guilt, but now I know when I have had enough. It was a lovely feeling because I felt that this time I was beginning to address the relationship I have with food.

For me, as with many others, it will never be easy but I have learnt so much, and I am able to move forward to the next stage of reaching my ideal weight. This year has gone and the new one is just about here and let us hope it is a much better one for us all. I am so pleased to be back writing my thoughts, So I'll be back again soon.

See you then,

Love, Jackie

xx

WHAT A YEAR 2020 HAS BEEN!

 

15^th December, 2020.

We are now in the middle of December, coming up to Christmas and the end of one of the strangest years of my life. I thought last year was a strange one for me personally, but this year it has hit everyone at different levels. We don't know what can happen in a year. When you think about it, it sounds a long time but when you look back you wonder where the time went. Last year I didn't really think I could achieve what I wanted to do, but I gave it a go and I managed to get there. I was cleared to have my joint replacement operations (still waiting) and I am six and a half stones – that's 91 pounds – lighter. I started taking weight loss more seriously this time last year and once I had seen the orthopaedic specialist in March and I knew what I had to do and I did it.

For a lot of people when the Covid-19 lockdown happened here in the United Kingdom, they found that they ate more sugary foods etc. and gained weight. I could not afford to do that. I found that being stuck at home help me to concentrate on me and I learned so much. Having the time helped me to really think about me and how I wanted to live my life to the best I could. I am now beginning to feel proud of my achievement, even though I know I will never stop learning and developing the way I think. There are so many new developments and things to think about and I think we should always be open to new ideas and not become stale in what we know and think.

I was finally contacted by the N.H.S. weight management team, the first time since March, and I was able to tell them about my weight loss. After we had discussed how I had managed without their input for eight months we talked about where I wanted to go from here. Even though I went through so many emotions about the situation I was left in at the beginning of lockdown, they agreed that the achievement of weight loss was all mine, which was nice, and we were able to discuss ideas of weight management. It was good to talk about this with someone else, I must admit, and have some expert input. They are now going to ring me in January.

As we are now in the last month of this very strange year many of us just want to put it all in a box and move forward to 2021 to see what it brings. This is what I want to do too. We are coming up to the time of eating far more than usual and the possibility of putting on a few pounds :-). This is fine, there is nothing wrong with this and when we have done this and got to the end of the year we should not feel guilty, but many of will.

January is that time of year that many of us think, “Oh my goodness! We have put weight on and now we must panic! Start a diet! Join a gym and lose it!”

By the end of January, if we get that far, all good intentions have faded. When you are feeling guilty and being bombarded by the weight loss industry to put it right, give yourself a moment to think about how you got to your situation. Really think about what is right for you to achieve, not only in weight loss but to make it the best way for you. I will do my best to enjoy myself throughout the festive season, watching what I eat but also enjoying good food and treats without guilt. Once December has gone I will assess where I am and move on from there.

I will draw my blog to a close now until the New Year, but I will be back. It's not been a good year, but let us hope as we move into 2021 that there is a light at the end of the tunnel . Enjoy your festive times the best way you can and I will see you on the other side.

Love Jackie

xx

PS. Before I finish for the year, here's a little whimiscal thought for you.

WHAT WOULD THE CAVE PERSON DO?

Can you imagine weight loss in prehistoric times? Cave people lined up to get weighed by the Cave Person Weight Loss Leader. You can hear the excuses now.

“Well, we caught our first animal in weeks, and we had to eat it all, because we are in the middle of the weather being hot and we had nowhere to store it, so we ate it and now I've put 2 lbs on!”

“I haven't managed to get a lightweight fur yet and this fur is drenched because it rained and all the extra weight is water!”

“I haven't had to run away from as many wild animals this week, so I haven't had as much exercise as I need!”

They didn't have to make excuses, and neither should we. In the greater picture, it doesn't matter.

IF YOU WANT TO DO IT, NO EXCUSES, TRY TO DO IT

 

2^nd December, 2020

Many years ago now, seems like a lifetime ago, I was in an abusive relationship. I was young and a little more naïve than I am now (still a work in progress) and did not have any family support whatsoever. My father had never been there, I was disowned by my mother shortly after marrying my first husband and my grandma, who I looked after, had Alzheimer's. My husband's family really didn't understand what was going on. Any friends I had made, especially after I had my children, my husband got rid of one way or another, except for one who I still know today, even though we now live 250 miles away from each other.

I was near enough completely on my own, coping with an abusive husband, looking after two small children and an elderly relative with Alzheimer's. I did my best. That is what I felt I had to do, I struggled on , but slowly I found it harder and harder. I had very little money and no way out. Now, this is not a “feel sorry for Jackie” story, I promise. I resorted to going to see my doctor, who was very old school, near retirement and middle class, as I didn't know what to do. His advice was either do something about it or put up with it. At the time I thought “thank you very much – NOT!”, but now, looking back years later, I can sort of see what he meant.

Resources these days are limited, but back then there was very little help at all. At one point I was offered a place in a refuge, but at that time I weighed up the pros and cons and didn't think it was for us. We weren't in physical danger, at least not at that time., and rightly or wrongly I progressed through the years. I did have a plan. I retrained, got qualifications, which helped for a while, got different jobs and eventually managed to split from my first husband. I still made sure he was okay, I may add, he had alcohol and mental health problems, I am just that kind of person, but you can't help being the person you are. Anyway, in the end, we had survived and life went on.

You might be thinking at this stage what has this got to do with weight loss? Going back to the days when that doctor said that to me it was not easy to take, but if you are in a situation you have to make that decision. Do you do something about it, or do you accept it? It's not easy and everybody's situation is different but if you really want to something you have to try to do something about it, no matter how long it takes. I started thinking about this because I hear so many reasons and excuses as to why some people can't lose weight. On the internet there are so many groups where they say weight loss is not possible.

There are many reasons why weight loss may not be easy. Hormones, medication, not being able to exercise or other health reasons, but it is possible. I have proved it. You really must want it and put the work in. Seeing a purpose to what you want to do, knowing the reason and finding the way. It may take a lot of time and you may have to do it by yourself but you can do it. That feeling when you have looked at what you want to achieve and found a way to do it, and then finally done it is amazing. You may struggle along the way and it may take a long time but you can do it.

In these present times knowledge is so much more easily accessible, and understanding of situations has moved on greatly with so much more support available, but it still comes down to you yourself no one can do it for you. Know what it is you want to achieve, do your research and go for it and at least you can say you've tried.

My weight loss has come to a standstill at the moment. I can't do much exercise because of my health and mobility problems and I don't feel I can cut down too much more on my calorie intake (I'm not doing 1000 calories per day like I did last time) but I will not give up. My goal was to get to the weight and BMI I needed to be at for my hip operation, which I did, but I still have a little more I'd like to lose in the New Year for our son and future daughter-in-law's wedding next November.

So, Jackie, look at what you have achieved and move on. And move on I will because it may not always be easy, but I will not give in that easily. I want to do something about it and I will.

Until next time,

Love Jackie

xx

WHO ARE YOU LOSING WEIGHT FOR?

29^th November, 2020

When I started my blog the first time in 2014, it was for me to write down the thoughts that came into my head and my experiences on my weight loss journey. That was it, and that was great because it was about weight loss. I stopped writing it when I lost most of the weight I needed to. Everything was great. Life was great. All my problems went away once I had lost weight and become “thin” - NOT!!

That is not what happens. Life remains the same. You have lost weight, you know how to lose weight, but not many people tell you how to keep it off. The emphasis is not on that, is it? The heatlth profession tell yo that if you are overweight/obese, they have a chart, but they don't tell you what you have to do to keep it off. G.P.s have a lot to deal with, so many illnesses and diseases to help patients cope with, but their training on nutrition is limited.

I don't know how correct this is, but I read somewhere that while a G.P. is doing their four years at medical school the total amount of time spent on nutrition is about 10 to 20 hours. They have so much else to learn so it's understandable, but then when they tell us to lose weight the knowledge they can pass on to us is limited, and, quite often, can not be up to date. Even then we are not really told how to maintain weight, so if we take their advice and lose weight then what happens next? More than likely we will go back to old habits and put the weight back on until the next time we need to lose it.

We may turn to some part of the slimming industry to help us. Again the emphasis is put on losing the weight because in the beginning that's what we need to do. Now I have not been to a slimming club for many years so things may have changed and you may get the help you need to keep it off once you reach your target, but the majority of people coming through the door paying their money want to lose weight. You don't pay when you get to your target, so surely there is no profit for them in getting clients to their target weight and keeping them there. You put weight on, and then you pay again to lose it.

The cost of this on you financially can be great. It can also be a great cost to your health, both physically and mentally, if you yo-yo weight loss, especially if you have a lot of weight to repeatedly lose and put on. It can be a great strain on your organs and make you feel very down if you feel as though you are always failing. We are not failing. For whatever reasons there is no reason to train us to lose weight and keep it off. In my research, I am now hearing of some methods that say they help you to retrain your thinking, but they come at a financial cost, and I would not be able to find out if they work without spending money. For me, now at the stage I am with my weight loss and retraining (D.I.Y. style) I don't want to take that route but they may be worth trying if you have tried everything else and have the finances.

This time, for me, I knew I had to do it differently. Down the free route there is very little information to pass on to patients about weight loss and conquering your weight gain beast, while down the paid route most that I have experienced gain financially by you losing weight once you have put it back on again, etc. etc.

As we go into the season of eat, drink and be merry – even if it is in a more limited way this year – our thoughts will soon turn to “oh dear, I have put some weight on, I better do something about it!”

Think about how you do this, look seriously at what is best for you and go for it. There is so much to learn if you go out to look for it, but beware, finding the right information is not always easy. If you stick to the basics of nutrition and health that is a good start but always take into consideration who is telling you the information, how do they know this, and for whose benefit it's for. Yours... or theirs?

Food for thought.

Until next time,

Jackie

xx

LEARNING ABOUT ME

 

22^nd November, 2020

After writing my last blog, I realised how much better I was feeling. I was inspired by a Facebook comment from Louisa at Louisa Farret Styling, which mentioned being grateful to your body and knew that really, in so many ways, I had not thought about being grateful to something that has kept me going through so many difficult and different times.

I have been trying so hard to lose weight while this time also doing my best to retrain my brain to think differently. It had become an obsession, I had to be able to keep going and lose those 88 pounds. I do tend to obsess about things, that is part of my nature. There is nothing wrong with that if you can achieve your goal and you know when to stop. That is the key, to know what to do once you approach where you want to be and reach the target you need to be. The longer this takes it should get easier, and in lots of ways it does, but in other ways it gets harder. At some point the longer it takes the pressure starts to grow. You know how to lose weight. You have learnt how it is possible, in theory at least, to keep that weight off, but that is still theory until you actually put it into practice. When you get near to the transition period it is scary to think about moving onto unknown ground.

As I said in the past, I am not one to think about my achievements and really be proud of myself. I will be the first to tell my family and friends I am proud of them for their achievements, but until now I have not treated myself the in the same way. A lot of us do that, we do not treat ourselves the way we treat others, and we really should. We have the right to look after ourselves and be the best we can. I have never really had the time, energy or circumstances in my past to think about me. How I live my life, how I think and what I look like. It may sound a little selfish but when you have given so much it's not wrong to give to yourself now and then.

I am so grateful that I have overcome so many obstacles in the past and I am still here. I am a firm believer that you learn from all of life's experiences, both good and bad. They make you stronger. Nearly everything can be turned into a positive or at least help us to be grateful for what we have. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I owe it to myself with the years I have left to make the most of my life.

To move forward into unknown times is scary but it is also exciting. What I can do is slightly limited by my health issues and mobility problems, but I am not going to let that stop me. I am going to spend the free time that I am now blessed with learning as much as I can about looking after me and being the best I can. I am going to spend time looking at what I can wear, looking after my skin and body and improving the way I look. Not because I am selfish, but because I want to feel good about myself and have more confidence.

Surely the time I give myself will make me a stronger person and be able to give so much more to those I love without feeling worn out and drained.

In these present times we should all do our best to be grateful for what we have. We have, at many different levels, more than a lot of others have and it would be wrong to waste what we have or have achieved.

I will always do my best to be grateful for what I have and will try to stop thinking about what I don't have and move on to a new stage of my life trying to be as positive as I can be.

Until next time,

Love Jackie.

xx

CONFUSING THOUGHTS

 

19^th November 2020

These are confusing times for so many different reasons. Some things are beyond our control, and some things are controllable if we can get our heads around them. Although a small thing in the greater scheme of things, my weight loss is still causing me a lot of food for thought (if you'll excuse the pun). Up to now I have lost 6 stone and 4 pounds (that's 88 lbs). My orthopaedic specialist wanted me to get my BMI down to 35 to 37, which is around 15 stone, which I did and since then I have lost another stone (14 lbs). Now, at the middle of November I find my weight loss is slowing down and now I have stayed at the same weight for the last two weeks. Not a big deal, really, however I feel for me it is a really dangerous time where I must not lose motivation and slip back into old habits. I don't really thnk I will, but the fear is there, sitting in part of my brain and comes to the front of my thinking now and again, especially in moments when things around me are quiet. I have not been well this week, with balance and vertigo problems, and I have had a lot of time on my hands to think about it more than usual.

Where my confusion arises is if my weight loss has stopped, then what do I do next? When I have looked at why people lose weight there seems to be three groups of “slimmers”. A group who are usually within a normal weight range that want to lose weight for a special occasion; a group who have more to lose, who want to to do it to look better or for health reasons and often join a group or club for weight loss and are given a target weight; and a group that are seriously obese who are 25 stones or more and often need medical intervention to help them do this, and are still given a healthy weight target to get to.

Now each of these groups can reach their targets, but when you are read that 19 out of 20 weight loss diets fail, you realise it's not losing weight that is the only problem, it's also keeping that weight off.

I knew this without reading it, for I have gained and lost weight many times and that is how the slimming industry has continually made money over the years since the late 1950s.

I have tried to prepare myself, if that's at all possible, for the moment this time when I had to start to maintain my weight. I have never got to this stage in the forty-six years I have had issues with my weight. I have either been losing weight aiming for a target, or putting weight back on.

I find myself now aware that my weight has plateaued and the fear of it coming back on is so real in my mind. I have dreams of waking up and finding myself a size 24 again. Stupid, I know, but that's the mind for you and as much as you know ther are bigger problems in the world the fear, the silly fear, the unjustified fear is still sitting there in my mind.

I have to spend sometime with myself and give myself a good shake to get myself through this. I have come through such hard things in my life that I will not let this get me down.

I eat a healthy diet. I do have times when my calorific intake is slightly higher than it should be, but this is a normal way of eating. I refuse to cut my calories down to a silly unrealistic amount as I have done in the past. That is not the way I want to live my life. I can't really up my exercise levels greatly because of my health problems. So I was not really sure where I stood and it was really bothering me.

After a lot of thought I have decided for the time being that I am going to accept myself at the stage I am at. I reached the level I need to be at for my operation, and more besides, and I am beginning to like the way I look. Perhaps it's time now (earlier than I originally thought) to learn how to maintain the weight I am. It's all a new experience for me, but I know I can do it, and it will take a lot of the pressure from me of feelings of learnt behaviour that have been with me for many years. When I have done this through Christmas and the New Year I will then assess where I want to go from there. So watch this space, and we will see what happens next.

All for now,

Love Jackie

xx

BEING DIFFERENT

 

14^th November, 2020

Being different can mean so many different things to so many different people.

When I was young I felt different. Not in the beginning because I was fat, that came in the years to follow, but because my parents were divorced and my mother was only 17 years older than me. That might seem strange now, but back in the 1960s and 70s it was not so common. I have mentioned before a memory of one of my first parent/teacher days and my mother coming into school wearing a blue mini dress with red spots, quite low cut with a ruff around the neck line and a brown fur coat, flaming red hair and immaculate make-up. I remember the looks she got as her high heels tapped down the school corridor. She must have been about 29 years old then, but she looked so young compared to all the other children's mothers. She was different, so I was different, because of the way I was treated and because of the way she lived her life.

I had no control over that and quite often we have no choice in not being the same. I married my first husband, who is a Punjabi Sikh, because I loved him. He was not the same as other people I had met and I loved that, and even today after a 22 year abusive marriage and being divorced for 18 years I am still grateful for the travelling I did, the people I met, the different cultural experiences I have had and the two beautiful children that we had together. I was aware when my children were born they would be perceived as “different” and I have done my best to bring them up to be aware and proud of who they are. They, like many, can not change who they are. They are who they are even though it is not always understood by those around them. A story for someone else to write, but there are so many others who for so many reasons who are also treated differently because they are not the same as the ones who judge them for who they are. With me it has been being fat all my life, often bigger than the norm. Not only have I been criticised for being big I have been made to feel second best and lazy and unworthy for not making myself thin. Not only by the medical profession, but in the past by people who claimed to love me. I am with my second husband now, who has always loved me for who I am, not what I look like. But the damage of the past is still not easy to heal.

To not feel when you are with other women that you are not attractive enough because they smaller than you or not getting the medical treatment you need because the medical practitioner thinks you are overweight, are hard things to come to terms with and evoke so many feelings. There are so many people we come across in our lives who are different, whether it is visible the minute you see them or as you get to know them. Whichever way it is that person deserves the same respect as you would expect others to give to you.

Differences should be celebrated but I fear we have a long way to go still.

Until next time, love to you all,

Jackie

xx

THE PAIN OF FAILURE (EVEN IF IT'S NOT REALLY YOURS)

 

7^th November, 2020

I have recently read about the guilt and failure someone had felt for losing weight and then putting it back on again. There was real pain in their words as they felt that they had wasted this year and had nothing to be proud of because they had failed. I know this feeling too well. You are trying to conform to some kind of “normal” that society say is there. Quite often, in my experience, if your weight has reached a very high level – in my case it was called “Morbidly Obese” - there are many reasons for getting to that point. It's so complicated. What has happened to that person can be complex, and the solution is not really give that person a diet plan and weigh them every week.

Their problems can be really different to the person who just wants to lose a few pounds to look good for Christmas or for a holiday. Now, I know their need to lose weight is important to them and I would never belittle that, but their case is very different from the person that has to lose 10 stone or more for many reasons.

Yes, they both have to lose weight, but a generic plan will not work for both. They are, as I have said, both different with different issues. What I found so painful when I was reading this person's story was they blamed themselves for their failure.

Now, I can hear some saying, if they ate the wrong food then it is their fault, and yes, when I put weight on, it was my fault because I overate. What is not your fault is that you don't realise it is not just about eating food. That can be put right with a diet plan, whatever it is. If you follow it you may lose weight, but if it does not address the reasons why you eat that way, the weight will not stay off for long. You do not fail, the system you are using – and quite often paying for – is failing you.

It is expecting you, the person who has to lose 100 lbs or more, to be the same as the person who only needs to lose 10 lbs, and, do you know what? You think you are the same too. You don't realise why it is failing you. After all, how can it fail? It works for so many others. But the problem is, you are you and your needs are different.

I want to say to that person who thinks that they have failed, and anyone else out there who may think the same, you have not failed. You just haven't learnt enough about yourself yet. Look at why you eat the way you do. Really think about what has happened in your past that causes you to have these real issues with food and what you need to do to address this.

I know it's not easy, but it can be done. I find it so painful and so sad when I read about someone who is dieting and feels that it is their fault when it goes wrong. IT goes wrong, not you. You are more than a few words that tell you what to do. You are you and you can work out what is good for you. No one else. Just you.

You will not fail if you honestly think about the issues, get the help you need and be the person you need to be.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx

THE ROAD

 

6^th November 2020

THE ROAD

There is a road I travel, it's not always smooth or straight and it's hard sometimes to know which way to turn. Ultimately I have to turn, for good or for bad, it is still better than standing in one place. The road is long and really has no end, no one destination, because the destination is different for each of us and we don't always know where we are going.

What I do know is that I have to carry on moving forward, trying so hard not to look back. Looking back can never really help. Just keep moving forward, looking around as I go, learning from what I see and appreciating it for what it is.

The road can be steep and hard to walk especially if you have had enough and are really tired, but remember that at the end of a steep road there can be somewhere to rest and the opportunity to look around at the beauty that's there.

Never give up, no matter how rough and steep the road is, it will be worth it when you get to the top.

Jackie

xx

FOOD, LOVE IT, HATE IT, BE AFRAID OF IT, WE HAVE TO EAT IT

 

5^th November 2020

It's just over a year now since I started seeing the N.H.S. dietician. At that time I weighed in around the 19 stone mark and I had already lost a little weight, mostly by cutting down on the size of my meals. It had been very slow as back in January 2019 I had weighed 20 stone and 4 pounds. My advice from the dietician at the time was...

1. Change cereal to a high fibre one,

2. Continue to have three regular meals,

3. Continue to use a small plate.

Not really a lot of help, but it was a start. By the time of lockdown this year my weight had gone down to 17 stone 11 lbs, so I had continued to lose weight, mostly by adjusting my diet to what I liked to eat within my calorific allowance. After that I had to start working things out for myself a lot more and I am now around about 14 stone, so what I am doing seems to be working.

I am eating in a balanced way and have cut down greatly on the amount of sugar I have, but I have always been aware that this time I would not deprive myself of anything I really wanted to eat.

I know from experience that the minute you do that, you want it more and in the end you inevitably give in, and possibly binge, then you feel bad and guilty. Now when I think about this, we all need to eat food. Food is the thing that keeps us alive, but it also can cause so many problems at different levels for so many people. The other times I have lost weight – this is the sixth and hopefully last attempt – I had been in a close circle of people also attending the same weight loss group as me. We all would be doing the same diet plan and following the same rules. This must be the same for anybody who attends a weight loss group or follows the latest diet trend. Are they aware of other, possibly better, ways of losing weight, not only in a healthy way, but also keeping it off?

When I started writing my blog back in 2014, I was really looking at how weight loss was affecting me. I used the internet as a medium to get my blog out to anyone who may wish to read it and take from it what they may. It is still that way but because I have had to do so much more for myself this time, I have been using the internet and social media to see what I can learn and to find out what other people are doing. There is so much out there and so many, many, different ways of thinking. Food remains the same, but the emotions that surround it are enormous and diverse. The same thing that can give so much pleasure can also cause so much pain, guilt and sadness. Now, it's not really the food that causes a lot of this, but how it's perceived. When I read about people who want to lose weight for whatever reason, and there are many reasons, there is often a lot of sadness. Sometimes it's sadness that causes someone to eat, or sometimes it's sadness caused by eating. I can relate to this so much. It shouldn't be this way, there should be no issue around what we eat if we live in a society where food is plentiful. In parts of the world, and sadly even in more prosperous countries, there are people who can not get enough food to eat and this is a true sadness that should not exist in our modern times.

Food is also causing real problems for other reasons for people who have easy – too easy – access to it. These can often be fuelled through pressures of image and thoughts of what is classed as being “fat” in a society where being “fat” is frowned upon. Some use food as a method of control, denial, method of reward, and then it's not enjoyed because of guilt.

Where this happens there are also so many who use this to make money by “helping” people to alleviate these problems. It is all so confusing. I have read so much this past year about diets, eating disorders, what's good, what's bad, what we should all be doing and I am sure I will share my thoughts on some of this as I continue to write my blog.

I am not an expert, I have never been, but I am beginning to learn what is good for me. What I do know, is that food is not some terrible thing that I should be afraid of. If I solve my issues that I feel I have with food, it can only make my life and health better. I continue to learn as much as I can to be the best I can and not to have as many issues around food.

Until next time,

Jackie

x x

EVERY CLOUD SHOULD HAVE A COLOURFUL LINING

 

30^th October, 2020

One of my few challenges day to day, is that I suffer from Meniere's Disease. There are many symptoms. With me it started with vertigo attacks and hearing loss, but later developed into brain fog, my brain sometimes receives the wrong signals from my ears, making it difficult sometimes to understand what someone is saying.  It also gives me constant tinnitus and noise in the ears and problems with my balance, to name a few. This week the weather has been cloudy and rainy here and the air pressure has been low. I find at times like this that it can affect my balance problems big time. I call periods like this my pinball machine times :-) mainly because I find that with my balance levels down I end up bouncing from one surface to another. I'm not sure if there is a proven connection between air pressure and Meniere's, but it seems to be that way with me. At these times it's sometimes safer for me to lay down in bed as the chances of me doing any damage there is much less.

One side benefit of me being there is we have a big window just by the bed and I can see outside to the road below. It's amazing what you see sometimes :-)

Looking out today there are quite a few people going by with dark or black umbrellas and it started me thinking. As we move into Winter and the days grow darker it is far more depressing than Summer. In Summer colours are so much more brighter, but Autumn and Winter seem to bring out the darker ones. Why can't we still have colours? Colour makes us feel so much better and can even make us feel so much more energetic.

Children's clothes are so much brighter than adults, do we lose something as we get older? Do we lose the urge to be bright and instead just wear black and dull colours to become invisible and just fiit in? It has been proven that certain colours can depress us, energise us, help us relax, and just generally make us feel better. In these uncertain times that we find ourselves in, perhaps it would help us all to add a bit of bright colour into our lives.

It can do no harm and could actually help. If we don't want to wear a lot of colour, perhaps we can use it in smaller ways. Perhaps when it rains we could use a brighter umbrella :-) It would be a good start to brightening up a long dark winter.

I must say at this point that a while ago I bought a beautiful bright umbrella with a print of peacock feathers to use when my son and his fiancé get married. My theory is that if I have an umbrella, then it won't rain :-) although it's lovely to think I have a nice, bright one to use just in case. Wouldn't it be lovely on a bleak dark day to see glorious colours? Something to think about. After all, remember how lovely it is to see what nature often does after a rain storm. It gives us a beautiful rainbow. So perhaps we should do our part too. I will do my best to always be in colour, bouncing around or not.

See you again soon.

Love,

Jackie

xx

CATERPILLAR OR BUTTERFLY, THE CHOICE IS MINE

 27^th October 2020

I was a caterpillar, dull and plain, no one saw me as I blended into the background, except when someone noticed that this caterpillar was fat and could be abused, because I was fat and unimportant. A plain, fat, caterpillar, living it's life in the background. Not beautiful like the flowers around me, just dull and plain, blending into the shadows.

Then, one day, I stopped moving. I went into a chrysalis of thought and self-analysis. Deep in thought of what I was, what I am, and possibly what I could be.

Then one day I came out into the light, the beautiful sunshine and realised I was different. I had become what I should be – a beautiful butterfly. What I always meant to be, I just didn't realise. I was so busy being what I was, I didn't realise what I could be, what I had the right to be.

To have the confidence to break free, still be me, just a better me. The real me, sitting in the sun and having the ability to fly into the future.

Jackie

xx

AN EPIPHANY OF PERSONAL STYLE (PART 2)

 October 25^th 2020,

As I said in my last blog, I have thought a lot recently about me, what I like to wear, and what my style is. As a youngster I had no self-worth, even before I met my first husband and any bit of my style that was there went out the window very shortly after we started to go out.

I was just coming up to seventeen and really wanted to belong somewhere but couldn't find exactly where I did belong. At home, I helped to look after the home as my mother had now re-married and had a small baby. She had brought me from Yorkshire to live in Surrey and with this and studying full time plus a weekend job I didn't have a lot of time to think about me.

When my relationship started with my ex-husband, he soon started to take over how I thought and dressed. My family moved away and I was left to live alone, so any individuality quickly disappeared. I was desperate to find where I belonged and fitted in, so I was so easily manipulated to his way of thinking. My ex is Indian, and I really loved wearing Indian clothes. They are so comfortable and glamourous and colourful, but I never fitted in. I was never me. I was never me for the whole 27 years we were together. Any time I tried I was soon put down. It was just not worth it and then, one day, I was free! The divorce was long, stressful and painful and any thoughts had to be about the children, not me. I realise now that I have only just recently started to think about me. I still think about my family, of course, but I have finally started to think about me and what I really like. My daughter has tried so hard over the last few years to encourage me to spend time and money on myself, but my mind has not been trained to think about me and it was hard. I thought I was not worth it. I was that young “fat” girl that wasn't worth it. It is really only since last year that I have started to look at myself and why I have been the way I have been with weight loss and gain that I have started to discover just who I really am, what I really wanted, and - as a side thought - what I like to wear. And what my style is.

I went into lockdown in March 2 ½ stone lighter, by July another 2 stones and as I write this blog another stone and a half, so six stone in total. At last I can look in a mirror and feel good about myself. Lockdown gave me a lot of time to really think about just what my style is and at last I felt I was free and able to be me. I wasn't able to get personal help on my style for many reasons, but I have done my best to teach myself. Not an easy way, but I have read so much, and I realise now that I do have the confidence to be me and wear what I want to wear.

It may not always be conventional or the “norm”, but if it makes me feel happy and confident, that's all that matters.

I am having so much fun learning about style and what is right for me. I think, in a way, it has always been there, my love of style, but until now I didn't think it was for me. I wasn't good enough to be noticed, it was for someone else.

I AM good enough and my personal style is fast becoming a reality. We all have the right to be who we want to be, to go out there and have the confidence to wear what we feel good in. My love of clothes, jewellery and style will continue to grow and I will continue to enjoy the freedom to enjoy every moment.

That's all for now, I will see you all again soon.

Jackie

xx

AN EPIPHANY OF PERSONAL STYLE

 24^th October 2020

Back at the end of February (goodness, that sounds such a long time ago now, and so much water has gone under the bridge since then) I forced myself to attend a talk at my local library by a local author called Katie Portman. I say forced myself because at that time my confidence and self-esteem were at rock bottom. I really felt like staying at home, but on the day I got myself ready the best I could and I went, by myself, to spend some time with other ladies to listen to Katie talk about herself and her new book “A Little Pick-Me-Up”.

Inside I was shaking so much and felt so self conscious, but I am so glad I went. When I had the opportunity to chat to her afterwards I told her about when I used to write my blog. She gave me the encouragement to start writing it again and the rest, as they say, is history.

My daughter and son had also both said to me, previously to this, to start again, but I just wasn't in the right place. I suppose it was a stranger saying it to me that planted the seed in my head. When lockdown started it sort of watered that seed and the need to express my thoughts in an external way began. I spent a lot of time on my own during lockdown and I had time to really think about me, but it is only recently that those thoughts have started to come together and I have realised just how far I have come, not only in this last year, but also in the years since I split up from and divorced my first husband.

This really came to a peak last night when I had an epiphany while watching a chat on Instagram, “5 Style Pieces, 5 Stories” hosted by Katie Portman, where she chatted to a lovely lady called Lisa Rowley. During lockdown Katie has trained as a personal stylist and at the moment is training in colour analysis, and the chat was about a choice of five style items and the stories around why they were thought provoking and meaningful to Lisa. It was great and I look forward to the next web chat on November 2^nd.

It started me thinking about my own style and how it has changed since I was sixteen years old and met my first husband. Goodness me, what a can of worms it seems to have opened! I was never one for fashion in a big way when I entered my teens greatly affected by being over-weight and not many things fitting me. I must have been about fifteen years old when my mother made me some checked Oxford bag trousers, in true Bay City Rollers fashion, and I still remember how great I felt, but I was never like the other girls and I just accepted that I was “fat” and I didn't deserve to look good or be really fashionable. My mother was only seventeen years older than me and she was beautiful, with gorgeous red hair and slim. I remember going through the clothes in her wardrobe and thinking how I wished I could wear things like that, but I was just too big and plain and not at all like her. She did sort of try to help me lose weight but it never came to much. She never really went shopping with me, or talk about fashion and make up. We lived with my grandparents at this time as my parents had split up, so my mother worked and socialised as a single person and didn't really spend a lot of time with me. So, I didn't really get a lot of advice fashion wise and, to be brutally honest, I really didn't feel that me as a person mattered or deserved it. So there I was at sixteen years old, not having any real clue about style.

Then I met my first husband and it all went down hill from there. Personal style was definitely put away for many years to come.

But things did change eventually, as you'll see when I continue the story in my next blog.

See you then,

Jackie

xx

CAN WE THINK FOR OURSELVES?

18th October 2020.

Can we think for ourselves? That may seem like a silly question, and of course it may be, but as I look around when I'm out in public, watching TV, and reading on the internet or doing my healthy eating research, I really think that some people, for whatever reason, can't.

These are very strange times with the covid situation, and it's made worse with the conflicting rules, but I also find that there are many other situations where people don't understand, don't follow the rules, want to be told what to do, don't want to be told what to do, don't think that they can do it for whatever reason or think one way to cope is better than another. We can debate the current virus situation for hours, but the subject of my blog is weight loss, maintaining weight loss, healthy eating and all the issues that crop up around this.

I know that my experience is that I have had to learn to think for myself. I am with myself 24-7 when it comes to food and what it can do to me. Only I can do it for me in the same way that anyone out there can do it for themselves. There are many diets and diet groups out there and many groups do offer support at some level or another, but when push comes to shove you do it for yourself. You can do it yourself by learning to know yourself and thinking for yourself. If we depend on a “diet” or specific group we are setting ourselves up for failure if it doesn't work or if it not there.

There are no special diets or foods. If you “fail”, it is not because you have done something wrong. You are not to blame. What is to blame is the thing that expects you to follow what you are told rather than thinking for yourself. It is not an easy way, but when it works it can be so satisfying. You have worked out what is right for you and it has worked. You did it, you worked it all out and it worked. You now know what foods you really like, what you can't do without and what you can. How you are going to work out your very own calories in eating your meals against the calories burnt by living day to day and what exercise you like to do.

We are all individuals, all different and a generic “diet” is not going to work. At some point it will fail and we will blame ourselves. We always do.

We can change things. It is possible, but what we need to do is know who we are, what we really want and start thinking for ourselves.

Until next time,

Love Jackie

xx

LOOK AT WHAT YOU REALLY HAVE

 

9^th October, 2020

I find it hard to admit it to myself, but at the end of last month my motivation had gone flat. It's hard to admit it because I have spent the last twenty months plus, working out what I have done wrong in the past and doing my best to put it right this time, and truthfully I have, so far. I have taken things slowly, not becoming obsessed about food and not worrying about getting weighed two or three times a day. I have learnt so much on my weight loss journey, and eat now in a far more healthy way and truly I have learnt to really enjoy the food that I eat. Appreciating the tastes and different textures and not just shoving it in quick because I was hungry and wishing I was eating something a bit more calorie laden and fatty.

It has taken me quite a while and because of this results have been slow, but those results are beginning to show. My problem was that I was doing all this for targets I had set and now I had reached those targets I didn't know what to do to move forward. I had reached my destination but what I wasn't doing was looking round myself at the scenery around me. What I mean is that I was so busy concentrating on the target I could not see what I had and still could achieve.

I needed time to have a break and really put a lot of thought into what I have achieved. I realised I never thought about what I had achieved. I had a job to do and I had done it, but I HAD done it. I have lost 84lbs, no small task but I never looked at what else this meant. It is not only about the weight loss. I suffer from severe arthritis and am in a lot of pain but losing this weight has took a lot of stress away from my body. I do have more energy which is good even though I get frustrated I can't do more, but at least the energy is there and I don't sleep so much in the daytime. I still wake up in the night because of the pain but I do now seem to go back to sleep more easily. I know my fitness levels are so much better. If I didn't have my mobility issues I know I would be able to be much more active, but it is what it is, and at least I feel better in myself. Losing weight also means my measurements have gone down and I can not only fit into smaller clothes, but look reasonably good in them, which boosts my mood no end.

I have lost five inches from my bust, six inches from my waist and six inches from my hips. Before I started my weight loss journey, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I felt old and ugly and my self-esteem was very low. At least now I don't mind having my picture taken and am beginning to take a greater interest in how I look and even though my self-esteem is still low it is higher than it was. One of the greatest things about losing weight as well as better health is better food choices and really enjoying food for what it is, and not just for filling my stomach. I find now I take the time to really know what food tastes like and realising that some foods I thought I liked I didn't.

As I really think about what my weight loss has given me, there is no way I would want to give it up and I know I want to move on now to lose the rest. Knowing what I really have motivates me to carry on and finish what I started. We have come back from a couple of days away and while we were there I really enjoyed eating what I wanted to eat and really enjoyed making free choices. They may noy have been as healthy as they could have been, but it didn't really matter for two days. I have had a rest, a reassessment and now my motivation has returned.

Here's to losing the next 28lbs and the benefits that brings.

Jackie

xx

I HAVE HIT THE WALL. CAN I CLIMB OVER IT?

 

29^th September, 2020

Well, I had my motivation to lose weight, when my health was not great, when I needed to shed pounds so the orthopaedic specialist would consider me for my hip replacement surgery, and to be slimmer to feel good in my outfit when I am mother of the groom at my son's and fiancé's wedding. Now everything has come to a standstill and I feel confused and at a loss.

My health is a lot better than it was. Because I have lost weight my blood sugar results have come down greatly and are now at a pre-diabetic level. Really good for someone with type 2 diabetes. As I have said before, I saw the specialist in September and because I have lost so much weight he has agreed to put me on his waiting list for surgery.

I have had my outfit for the wedding for a while and it should now fit me (I haven't tried it on yet), but unfortunately because of Covid 19 the wedding has sadly had to be moved to next year. So my aims have been put into disarray. I am pleased of course that my health is better, even though I am in more pain than ever. Also, because of Covid, we are not sure when hospital operations will start again, so even though I have lost weight, nothing will happen just yet.

I know I still want to lose some more weight. At the moment I am around 14 stone, 5 lbs and I would like to be about 11 stone, 7lbs, but my motivation seems to have gone. I know it shouldn't have, but it has. What can I do to get it back? How am I going to teach myself to maintain my optimum weight if I can't get there?

I think I have to remind myself of just what I have done. I have lost 6 stone by myself. Look at the photos Jackie, I must say to myself. See how far you have come. It is not easy to lose weight, there is no magic formula, but I carried on to lose weight all the way through lockdown. At no point did I give up and I am not going to give up now. Six stone gone and just three more to go. Half of what I have already done, so I can do this. Think about why I started this. I was not happy with my quality of life and I knew I deserved better. I have started to feel so much better and I am not going to give up without a fight. I can and will carry on and one day I will say I HAVE DONE IT! I will do my best to focus on doing what I need to do and enjoy what I have already achieved. Come on, Jackie! You can, and will, do this. Don't give up now, the best is yet to come.

Jackie

xx

PS. I have never been one for giving up, and I won't. With a little thought, research and inspiration I think I have set myself straight and I will write about this next time

xx

THE FOUR PHOTOS OF JACKIE

23^rd September, 2020

In my last blog I wrote about finding old photos of myself and getting upset with the realisation of losing weight and then, through denial and lack of knowledge putting it all back on again over a seven year period.

I started my weight loss journey in 2013 and by the time of the first photo in 2014 I had reached my target loss of 100 lbs. In this photo I was out for afternoon tea with my daughter at Claridges in London, and I felt great. I was so full of confidence and able to put an outfit together that I felt was appropriate and looked good

. Why didn't that feeling stay, and why wasn't the image etched onto my mind? Perhaps it was, and by the time of the second photo three years later my mind still thought I looked like that first photo. No, by 2017 I knew what I looked like, I knew it was so hard to find good looking clothes, but I was lost and my motivation was leaving me. This day I also was out for tea, this time with my son and daughter at Cliveden House. A really beautiful place with lovely gardens, but by this time I was suffering so much with the arthritis and the pain in my knee, I was starting to find it hard to walk. I tried to put an outfit together, but even pulling a scarf across my body could not hide the size I was. I wore colours to boost my confidence, but it failed. I remember that when we booked in, I felt that the receptionist spoke to my daughter and son, but it was like I was invisible. Whether that was true or not I don't know, but that is how I felt.

I feel so much sadness when I look at photo 2017 because really I was a mess. I was in so much pain, both physically and mentally, but at a loss how to stop the situation.

Those feelings got worse and worse and by the third photo in July 2019 I was completely lost in myself. We had gone to Maastricht to see Andre Rieu and even though we had enjoyed going before, this time was not the same. We had a lovely time, but I know deep down inside I was not really happy, no matter how much I tried. I look at photo 2019 now, and know that I could not have carried on that way for much longer. I was worn out all the time, it was hard just to look after myself and I was not the person I wanted to be. The pure frustration of the situation I was in was getting me down and even though I am a strong woman I had hit the bottom. But, as they say, when you reach the bottom the only way is up – although I could argue that you could just stay there at the bottom. At that time I did feel like I was going to stay at the bottom, but I was fortunate enough for a few things to happen in my life that helped me start to get myself together, really starting when I saw the specialist in February.

It's frightening to think that if he had not been so understanding and been more like the first one I saw five years ago, what would have happened to me going forward. He wasn't like that at all. He understood what I was trying to say to him and he was prepared to give me a chance, and that I was all I needed to pick myself up. The last seven months have not always been easy, but I have learnt so much and I know now that I am worth so much more than some in the past have made me feel.

Now we come to photo 2020, and even though I am still not keen on having my photo taken, at least now I can look at it and sort of like what I am beginning to see.

These four photos stir so many emotions, but looking at them does help me to face reality and hopefully I will keep myself on the straight and narrow road. As you move towards your future don't ever forget the past and what you learnt from it.

Love for now,

Jackie

xx

THE CAMERA NEVER LIES - IT'S HOW YOU PERCEIVE THE RESULTS

18^th September, 2020

Well, I finally got my appointment through to see the orthopaedic specialist, which was a relief and to cut a long story short, he was really happy that I had kept my side of the bargain and lost weight, or should I say brought my B.M.I. down, all to do with NHS policy, and he kept his word by putting me on the waiting list, firstly for my hip replacement and then to look at getting my knees sorted out.

Now the wait begins to see how long it takes, and of course, I must keep the weight off until it happens – and beyond.

In one way it was such a relief, but once that feeling wore off, there was a feeling of dread that the weight was going to come back on. Just before I went to the hospital I was even having dreams that I was waking up in the morning and nearly six stone had mysteriously reappeared.

I know I will be okay, and I can deal with this, but at the moment the fear is real. As I know from experience, weight can and does come back on.

At the weekend I was looking at some photographs from the last five years and I was in tears. There were photos of when I lost the 100 pounds plus before. The ones on Facebook had all the comments on how good I looked and how well I had done, and then there were the photos of when I had obviously put the weight back on.
It was so sad that I had done that to myself and not stopped the pounds piling back on. Now I did have other things going on, as I have said in previous blogs, but in all honesty that's not a good enough excuse.

Nobody really tells you when the weight goes back on, for whatever reason, but you are responsible for yourself, and even if they did find a way to tell you, you can be in so much denial you wouldn't stop.

On a more positive note, I have lost weight before, and I am losing it now, and I have to find a way to bottle up the feelings I have now, to stop history repeating itself. We will see, but for now I will keep looking at those photos and hope they keep me on the straight and narrow.

Jackie

xx

PS. I haven't got as many photos of this time when I was 20 stone plus. I wonder why?

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SMALLER TO BE VIABLE OR GOOD ENOUGH?

 

16^th September 2020

While I was writing the other day I had the TV on in the background, and something I heard made my ears prick up and really irritated me.

They were selling jewellery on a shopping channel and there was a male presenter and a female expert who looked really smart and well presented. Whilst talking about how good a particular ring looked on the model's hand the lady expert said she would love to be in the model's chair. The male presenter said “Why don't you?” and she replied that if she could lose two stone she would be there. Hang on a minute! Why would she have to have to be two stone lighter to model a diamond ring?

This is a lady that has her own diamond mine, her own business, looking beautifully smart sitting there, and she feels she would have two stone lighter to be the model wearing the ring.

What I really find hard to accept is why things have to be represented in a certain way. It was the same when I was looking for a mother of the groom outfit, and all the models wearing them didn't look old enough to have a child old enough to be getting married. Are they afraid that if a more mature model wore them they wouldn't look as good and no one would buy them?

I would argue that even if it looked good on the model, the actual person buying it would still have to try it on and maybe be disappointed because it doesn't look the same.

I am not sure why this idea that only a younger more beautiful person can look good enough to sell things. What impression does this give to the young or more impressionable that unless you look that particular way you can't look good or if you aren't a certain size you can't do what you want. I have also noticed that most animated princesses are thin, but that's a whole story in itself.

There is nothing wrong with being slimmer and fitter, and health is so very important, but you should not feel that you have to be two stone lighter to model a ring. A flippant comment half said in jest can give the wrong message to so many, and also cause lack of confidence and many other psychological problems.

We are all good enough to be who we want to be and we should all be represented for who we are. Things are changing, but I feel it will still be a while before they do.

Jackie

xx

THE T.A.W.I.E (A.W.) DIET

9^th September, 2020

Since lockdown has eased, I have been able to get out more and see people I haven't seen for a while. Some have noticed I have lost some weight and are starting to ask me how I have done it, or what “diet” I am using.

I don't know what to say, which is a first for me :-).

Lots of people lose weight, but with most it's a slimming club or some kind of recognised diet or the latest diet craze. If I could say, oh I have been going to ------club or ------ watchers or I'm following ------ diet, it's easy because people know them and it doesn't take a lot of explaining, with what I have been doing does. Plus the fact that my way of weight management is not mainstream and I'm sure that some people think I'm a little strange (well, I am :-) ) or it's not going to work and then I would look silly. Now, I know it shouldn't matter what people think, but my confidence is not as good as it could be and a lot of the time I am thinking inside that they are wondering “What is she on” or she is going on about something that makes no sense. It makes sense to me and that is all that matters, so why do I feel embarrassed rather than proud that I have found a way that, up to now, works for me?

I think one of the main reasons is because since diets and weight clubs started, as long ago as 1863 for low carb diets, 1920s for calorie counting and the 1960s for slimming groups, people have always been told one way or another what to do by a professional or an expert.

There seems to be some kind of magic formula that the overweight believe is the answer and they can find it there. In the groups there is the group support and you can see others that have been there a long while who seem to be succeeding, so you start to think this is the way to do it.

I read on the internet while doing some research about one lady who had been going to her slimming club for 20 years. Now, obviously, she was happy to do that, and many like the official eating plan and the support a group gives, but that was not for me.

Counting the last N.H.S. Group I went to, I have been to about eight clubs in the forty-six years of my weight loss journey and while they make have worked at some level for the short term, they really were not for me. It was good while you had the attention, but it was hard during the week when you were on your own and it was disappointing when the weight went back on.

I am sure that there will be some that have lost weight this way and kept it off, but as I said, it isn't for me, and they didn't really work for me.

I have found my own way, and as I say, so far it is working for me. Only time will tell.

I come back to what I said at the beginning of my blog – why do I feel embarrassed when people ask me how I am doing it and I tell them. I really don't know, I suppose, it's just not a straightforward answer, and perhaps it's not what they are wanting to hear.

When you think about it really it IS quite straightforward, it's my T.A.W.I.E (A.W) Diet. My Think About What I Eat (And Why) diet. That's what it comes down to. No magic formula. No generic diet plan. We are all different and individual and I am continually working out what is right for me and hopefully it won't sound that strange.

Jackie

xx