REINVENTING THE WHEEL

 

26^th February, 2022

It isn't often when I sit down to write my blog that I know what the title is going to be. I have thoughts in my head that I want to get down on paper and the title comes at some point thereafter, but this time it was there first. It just seemed to be the right one for this blog. Someone asked me a few nights ago what my blog was about and I struggled to answer. Isn't it strange how you do something and really enjoy it, to you it seems so simple but then when you are asked about it you struggle. Is it because you feel someone else would think it silly and not worthy, or just that you don't want to feel a fool for doing something you are not good at? There is always the chance that someone may think that, but if they do it doesn't really matter. We should be proud of whatever we do, but confidence is not always as high as it should be. I have tried so hard since I had to leave work, nearly four years ago now, to make the best of every day life. Not always easy when we lost two years of that during Covid lockdowns, plus the time I lost because of illness, but I never stop trying! :-) I have made a few mistakes along the way, but it's all a learning process, and we are never too old to learn. There are, and will be, so many times in your life you may find you need to reinvent yourself. No one knows what may happen next and things in life can change so, so quickly.

Nothing stays the same forever and it is much better to move along with our situation the best way we can. Since the New Year I have tried out a number of new things. Clubs and groups etc., some with my husband Steve and some by myself. Some haven't worked out, which is fine but the main thing is knowing that they are not for me and moving on.

I think it's all about being with like minded people, but it takes time to find this out and not being afraid to say “This isn't for me”. Thankfully though some of the groups and clubs are working out well for me at the moment which is great and I am able to expand what I do both by myself and as a couple with Steve.

The weight management is also coming together well after an iffy three months. As part of my referral for my other joint operations I have been sent to see a health and wellbeing coach. I thought at first it was going to be weight management and wasn't sure how I would feel, but it's not that at all.

It is more about what we eat and the best way for it to be more balanced. The chap I saw was surprised about how much I already knew, but it is good to be able to be able to chat with someone and perhaps learn new ideas and research. I look forward to attending these appointments and getting new support after doing it so long on my own. Even though I lost 100 lbs by myself, extra support when you are wondering what to do next always helps. So this is where the wheels of Jackie living the best life she can starts to be incorporated into my writing. To document all I do has always been important for my wellbeing, and it will continue to be that way.

I wrote once about a phoenix rising from the ashes. I wonder how many times that happens? I don't know, but here we are.

Moving forward my blog will be partly weight loss, and partly life as I see it. I think that this will be a good balance. I don't want to change the title of my blog, it has been with me eight years now but I know I sometimes need to add more content. There is so much more to life than just weight loss. It has been, if you'll excuse the pun, a large part of my life and always will be, but I want to have more. I am getting greedy, not for food anymore but for life. I want life, my life, to be the best it can be.

I am not sure what will happen over the next few months or years, but I know that most of the time it will be fun finding out.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie.

xx

CONQUERING THROUGH RECOGNITION

 18^th February 2022

I went out last Saturday on a very cold and wet afternoon to hear a talk by Katie Portman entitled “Why Fear Can Be Your Best Friend” at a local book shop.

I had last seen Katie two years ago at the launch of her first book “A Little Pick Me Up”, and it was her that was one of the inspirations for me to start blogging again. It was really strange to be able to go out to hear a talk again and it was so apt that one of my first was by Katie. As I sat there listening to her speak and talk about fear, I began to realise how far I have come in the last two years. I started to write again and reinvent myself just as the Covid lockdown hit us all. I was at the beginning of my last weight loss journey and at the time I knew that a drastic problem (my health and weight issues) needed drastic action. It was like a lots things are, a situation that you find yourself in that needs dealing with, and you don't consciously think about how hard it is going to be. It needs to be done and you do it. How many times in the past have we dealt with problems in our lives like that? Your back is against the wall and you have to think on your feet, but you do it and move on!

Do we ever take the time to think about just what we have done and how hard it really was? I don't think we do. We don't give ourselves credit for what we have done. It needed doing and we did it but we may have been so brave to actually make that decision. In my past it hasn't always been plain sailing. Deciding what to do when it was only me with no one to ask was difficult. I often could not find a way out straight away and when a solution did come it wasn't always in the way that I expected.

I wrote in my poem “The Dog” (I do wonder if I should change the title :-)) how I was too young and, later on, too busy surviving to really know what was happening. I think too that if you did think too much about the task you would be too scared to do it. Sometimes you do have to go for things and trust that you are on the right road. It is only as you get older that you have time to really think a bit about what have you have done in your life and really think to yourself “Did I do that”? So many memories, both good and bad come flooding back. Times when I was really afraid, but life happened and I am still here.

When I saw Katie two years ago I had just about hit rock bottom. Circumstances around that time had left me numb inside. Any energy I had left was given to everyone else as I always do, and I had no feelings left for myself. I didn't want to think about my health, my appearance or anything really but I knew something had to be done, and done it was. Looking back, during Katie's talk last week I realised just how far up the right road I had come and I felt very emotional. This Jackie is still a work in progress, but she definitely is a very different Jackie. It's not always been easy. I do still slip back inside myself at times, but I know now when I am there and know ways to help myself feel better. I want to hold on to the Jackie that is here now. My blog has helped me so much to unravel just how I feel. When it is written down on paper, it's not in my mind anymore. :-)

My weight loss journey continues. I am hoping to have a knee replacement May time this year and referrals have now gone in for a further hip and knee replacement on my other side. Because of my other health issues I know I have to continue to look after myself , and look after myself I will, being as brave as I can be, always keeping fear in perspective.

Lots of love,

Until next time,

Jackie

xx

THE DOG

The dog needs a name,

It needs to be recognised.

It comes to remind me of what I have been through,

What I have survived.

In the past I have been in bad, terrible, stressful situations.

I was too young and in later years too busy just surviving to even know what it was,

That I felt the way I did because it was there,

Constantly chewing away in my head.

Times and things changed, I thought it had gone away,

But it was loyal,

As dogs are,

And would visit constantly to trouble me.

I had failed.

I couldn't keep it away, it would return time and time again.

It wouldn't leave me in peace.

Then one day it happened.

I realised that the dog would always be there,

It would never ever fully go away,

It had a purpose and would always be there!

It was me that had to learn to live with it,

Know that under all that fur when it had been given a good trim,

It wasn't as big as I thought it was.

We could live together.

I was beginning to realise that I could learn how to be the master,

It could do it's job to remind me what I had survived,

That I could be strong,

I was still here!

While accepting who the dog was, I had also started to accept myself,

For who I was,

To believe in who I am,

That I am the one that matters.

The dog does need a name,

It needs to be recognised,

It's name is Depression,

But through that recognition, for me it's powers have and will continue to dwindle.

SIZE, THE NUMBER ON THE LABEL

11^th February, 2020

I looked at Mother-Of-The-Groom outfits for a long length of time as my son and daughter-in law's wedding was put off twice because of Covid. The wedding finally happened last November. It was a fantastic day, a very special time for a very proud mother. For quite a while afterwards the days felt so flat and even Christmas didn't seem the same, although to be fair, for a number of reasons I am not keen on Christmas. Mother-of-the-Groom outfits still pop up on my YouTube and Facebook feeds and I found myself watching one for old time's sake. :-)

What I found interesting was what the lady said about dress sizes. She said that because of design and quality of fabric the dresses came up small and that ladies should order one size up to get the correct fit. She went on to say “don't let that bother you ladies, you are still the size you are, the dress size is just a number on a label”. It is, but it would, and does, bother so many ladies. Ladies wanting to be a size 12 or 14 (in the UK) if the dress label doesn't say that on the dress that fits them then it's the end of the world. They feel they are not the size a perfect woman should be. Is it only women, or do men also feel that way about their clothes? I am not sure, but I have heard it being said so many times “I am not buying that it's a 16!” or “Oh, I need to lose weight now because that dress doesn't fit.”

Do they ever think NO! It's not them, it's how the item has been made, or there isn't any stretch to the fabric. It's almost like it has to be us that is wrong, not the size. I shop for a lot of my clothes in charity shops because you can sometimes find a real bargain, get something really different, and often get really good quality clothes at a really hefty discounted price. What I soon learnt as I went through the racks was look at everything. Size is just a guide. Things are cut differently and to different clothes  patterns. It's how it looks and fits that is the main thing. Cut the label out if it bothers you, but don't miss out because of a number on a label.

I am not sure where the idea of women having to be a certain size comes from. I suspect it would change from country to country, but I also think the fashion industry plays a large part in all of this too. All the models you saw years ago were tiny. It has changed a little in modern times with plus size models and larger clothes sizes but the main focus is still on the smaller models,actresses,and a lot of other women in the public eye. There are far more small sizes on the rails in a clothes store, even though the most common size is said to be a UK size 16. It's also cheaper to make smaller clothes.

When I worked in retail there were four size 12 and 14s to every two size 16/18s. There are quite often more smaller sizes left in the sales. What ever size we are, we really need to happy with who we are. Not because of a number printed on a label, that is just a guide, but because we are comfortable and healthy at the size we are. Healthy at that present moment and also thinking about our health as we get older. To fixate on a size can not only cause upset, but also health issues both physically and mentally.

When you look at clothes try not to take a lot of notice of the number. Look instead at the cut, the dimensions and the colour. Then look at the price. :-) Try it on if you can and look at how it fits on you and how it flatters your body shape. Don't miss out because of that small piece of fabric inside the garment says the wrong number.

That's all for now.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie.

xx

KEEP IT REAL

 4^th February, 2022

I started to write this blog in March 2014. I needed to lose weight. There have been many times in the past I have needed to lose weight, but this time I thought I would track my journey. I think my daughter might have suggested a bolg when we chatted about me writing a diary. Blogs were the in thing at the time and my daughter knew someone who was doing quite well with hers financially. After a lot of thought I started one, not because I wanted to make any money, but because it seemed a good way to get my message and my feelings out to a wider audience, as opposed to keeping it all to myself in a diary.

I did stop writing in 2015 when life got in the way, as so often happens, and I started to slip back into my old habits of using food as a crutch. A solution to problems I had as it was easier to eat than to face the situation I was in. For four years I was back to the overweight and unhappy person I was used to being.

In 2019 things had to change, and in 2020 I started to write again after being encouraged by my family, and also local writer Katie Portman, to put my feelings and passions into words. It has not always been an easy task for me, but over the last 2 and a half years or so I have lost the weight (100 pounds ish) and now I am here wondering what to do next.

Now, there is a reason I wanted to recap the origins of blog and the reasons I personally write. Some people enjoy writing fiction, whether based on true fact, or totally made up. That is what they do, and get enjoyment and a feeling of fulfilment from it. It has been suggested to me to take my writings about myself and do the same. That they might be better like that. Not so personal as a blog can be and things may be better kept anonymous. That's their opinion and they are probably correct, but at the moment that does not sit easy with me. My blog was started about me. My opportunity to write about me. Selfish or not, it was my chance to say what I felt about the things that bothered me. There is value in blog writing if only for self expression. Blogging should be considered as a form of writing.

For a long time in my life I didn't matter, what I felt was irrelevant and then things – life – changed for the better. I do not really know who reads my blog. At I write this, I have had nearly 42700 page views on the 135 posts I have written so far, and the vast majority are from people I do not, and never will, know. This has always been fine with me. I write because I really love to write. What I write is an honest and personal account about me. I am very proud of how far I have come and I am not ashamed of anything I have had to cope with in my life.

If anyone reading my work gets strength from this, then that is absolutely fantastic. My weight loss journey has almost ended but as one journey ends, another one begins. A journey of maintaining my weight loss in the long term, and learning to deal with life's ups and downs in a different way. The great big journey of life goes only one way. We can't go back and start again, but what we can do is enjoy all the good things that come our way.

In fact, go looking for those good things while pushing the bad things back into the shadows where they belong. Learn how to deal with those problems and never let them grow any bigger than they should.

I know that my blog's content will change. It started with weight loss and will continue with “What Jackie Did Next”, but it will always remain a personal, honest and real life account of who I am and what makes me tick.

I always said in those dark days that I could not see an escape from, that one day I wanted to look back on my life satisfied and with no regrets, and I continue to work on that.

 My journey continues...

All for now, until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx