EVERY CLOUD SHOULD HAVE A COLOURFUL LINING

 

30^th October, 2020

One of my few challenges day to day, is that I suffer from Meniere's Disease. There are many symptoms. With me it started with vertigo attacks and hearing loss, but later developed into brain fog, my brain sometimes receives the wrong signals from my ears, making it difficult sometimes to understand what someone is saying.  It also gives me constant tinnitus and noise in the ears and problems with my balance, to name a few. This week the weather has been cloudy and rainy here and the air pressure has been low. I find at times like this that it can affect my balance problems big time. I call periods like this my pinball machine times :-) mainly because I find that with my balance levels down I end up bouncing from one surface to another. I'm not sure if there is a proven connection between air pressure and Meniere's, but it seems to be that way with me. At these times it's sometimes safer for me to lay down in bed as the chances of me doing any damage there is much less.

One side benefit of me being there is we have a big window just by the bed and I can see outside to the road below. It's amazing what you see sometimes :-)

Looking out today there are quite a few people going by with dark or black umbrellas and it started me thinking. As we move into Winter and the days grow darker it is far more depressing than Summer. In Summer colours are so much more brighter, but Autumn and Winter seem to bring out the darker ones. Why can't we still have colours? Colour makes us feel so much better and can even make us feel so much more energetic.

Children's clothes are so much brighter than adults, do we lose something as we get older? Do we lose the urge to be bright and instead just wear black and dull colours to become invisible and just fiit in? It has been proven that certain colours can depress us, energise us, help us relax, and just generally make us feel better. In these uncertain times that we find ourselves in, perhaps it would help us all to add a bit of bright colour into our lives.

It can do no harm and could actually help. If we don't want to wear a lot of colour, perhaps we can use it in smaller ways. Perhaps when it rains we could use a brighter umbrella :-) It would be a good start to brightening up a long dark winter.

I must say at this point that a while ago I bought a beautiful bright umbrella with a print of peacock feathers to use when my son and his fiancé get married. My theory is that if I have an umbrella, then it won't rain :-) although it's lovely to think I have a nice, bright one to use just in case. Wouldn't it be lovely on a bleak dark day to see glorious colours? Something to think about. After all, remember how lovely it is to see what nature often does after a rain storm. It gives us a beautiful rainbow. So perhaps we should do our part too. I will do my best to always be in colour, bouncing around or not.

See you again soon.

Love,

Jackie

xx

CATERPILLAR OR BUTTERFLY, THE CHOICE IS MINE

 27^th October 2020

I was a caterpillar, dull and plain, no one saw me as I blended into the background, except when someone noticed that this caterpillar was fat and could be abused, because I was fat and unimportant. A plain, fat, caterpillar, living it's life in the background. Not beautiful like the flowers around me, just dull and plain, blending into the shadows.

Then, one day, I stopped moving. I went into a chrysalis of thought and self-analysis. Deep in thought of what I was, what I am, and possibly what I could be.

Then one day I came out into the light, the beautiful sunshine and realised I was different. I had become what I should be – a beautiful butterfly. What I always meant to be, I just didn't realise. I was so busy being what I was, I didn't realise what I could be, what I had the right to be.

To have the confidence to break free, still be me, just a better me. The real me, sitting in the sun and having the ability to fly into the future.

Jackie

xx

AN EPIPHANY OF PERSONAL STYLE (PART 2)

 October 25^th 2020,

As I said in my last blog, I have thought a lot recently about me, what I like to wear, and what my style is. As a youngster I had no self-worth, even before I met my first husband and any bit of my style that was there went out the window very shortly after we started to go out.

I was just coming up to seventeen and really wanted to belong somewhere but couldn't find exactly where I did belong. At home, I helped to look after the home as my mother had now re-married and had a small baby. She had brought me from Yorkshire to live in Surrey and with this and studying full time plus a weekend job I didn't have a lot of time to think about me.

When my relationship started with my ex-husband, he soon started to take over how I thought and dressed. My family moved away and I was left to live alone, so any individuality quickly disappeared. I was desperate to find where I belonged and fitted in, so I was so easily manipulated to his way of thinking. My ex is Indian, and I really loved wearing Indian clothes. They are so comfortable and glamourous and colourful, but I never fitted in. I was never me. I was never me for the whole 27 years we were together. Any time I tried I was soon put down. It was just not worth it and then, one day, I was free! The divorce was long, stressful and painful and any thoughts had to be about the children, not me. I realise now that I have only just recently started to think about me. I still think about my family, of course, but I have finally started to think about me and what I really like. My daughter has tried so hard over the last few years to encourage me to spend time and money on myself, but my mind has not been trained to think about me and it was hard. I thought I was not worth it. I was that young “fat” girl that wasn't worth it. It is really only since last year that I have started to look at myself and why I have been the way I have been with weight loss and gain that I have started to discover just who I really am, what I really wanted, and - as a side thought - what I like to wear. And what my style is.

I went into lockdown in March 2 ½ stone lighter, by July another 2 stones and as I write this blog another stone and a half, so six stone in total. At last I can look in a mirror and feel good about myself. Lockdown gave me a lot of time to really think about just what my style is and at last I felt I was free and able to be me. I wasn't able to get personal help on my style for many reasons, but I have done my best to teach myself. Not an easy way, but I have read so much, and I realise now that I do have the confidence to be me and wear what I want to wear.

It may not always be conventional or the “norm”, but if it makes me feel happy and confident, that's all that matters.

I am having so much fun learning about style and what is right for me. I think, in a way, it has always been there, my love of style, but until now I didn't think it was for me. I wasn't good enough to be noticed, it was for someone else.

I AM good enough and my personal style is fast becoming a reality. We all have the right to be who we want to be, to go out there and have the confidence to wear what we feel good in. My love of clothes, jewellery and style will continue to grow and I will continue to enjoy the freedom to enjoy every moment.

That's all for now, I will see you all again soon.

Jackie

xx

AN EPIPHANY OF PERSONAL STYLE

 24^th October 2020

Back at the end of February (goodness, that sounds such a long time ago now, and so much water has gone under the bridge since then) I forced myself to attend a talk at my local library by a local author called Katie Portman. I say forced myself because at that time my confidence and self-esteem were at rock bottom. I really felt like staying at home, but on the day I got myself ready the best I could and I went, by myself, to spend some time with other ladies to listen to Katie talk about herself and her new book “A Little Pick-Me-Up”.

Inside I was shaking so much and felt so self conscious, but I am so glad I went. When I had the opportunity to chat to her afterwards I told her about when I used to write my blog. She gave me the encouragement to start writing it again and the rest, as they say, is history.

My daughter and son had also both said to me, previously to this, to start again, but I just wasn't in the right place. I suppose it was a stranger saying it to me that planted the seed in my head. When lockdown started it sort of watered that seed and the need to express my thoughts in an external way began. I spent a lot of time on my own during lockdown and I had time to really think about me, but it is only recently that those thoughts have started to come together and I have realised just how far I have come, not only in this last year, but also in the years since I split up from and divorced my first husband.

This really came to a peak last night when I had an epiphany while watching a chat on Instagram, “5 Style Pieces, 5 Stories” hosted by Katie Portman, where she chatted to a lovely lady called Lisa Rowley. During lockdown Katie has trained as a personal stylist and at the moment is training in colour analysis, and the chat was about a choice of five style items and the stories around why they were thought provoking and meaningful to Lisa. It was great and I look forward to the next web chat on November 2^nd.

It started me thinking about my own style and how it has changed since I was sixteen years old and met my first husband. Goodness me, what a can of worms it seems to have opened! I was never one for fashion in a big way when I entered my teens greatly affected by being over-weight and not many things fitting me. I must have been about fifteen years old when my mother made me some checked Oxford bag trousers, in true Bay City Rollers fashion, and I still remember how great I felt, but I was never like the other girls and I just accepted that I was “fat” and I didn't deserve to look good or be really fashionable. My mother was only seventeen years older than me and she was beautiful, with gorgeous red hair and slim. I remember going through the clothes in her wardrobe and thinking how I wished I could wear things like that, but I was just too big and plain and not at all like her. She did sort of try to help me lose weight but it never came to much. She never really went shopping with me, or talk about fashion and make up. We lived with my grandparents at this time as my parents had split up, so my mother worked and socialised as a single person and didn't really spend a lot of time with me. So, I didn't really get a lot of advice fashion wise and, to be brutally honest, I really didn't feel that me as a person mattered or deserved it. So there I was at sixteen years old, not having any real clue about style.

Then I met my first husband and it all went down hill from there. Personal style was definitely put away for many years to come.

But things did change eventually, as you'll see when I continue the story in my next blog.

See you then,

Jackie

xx

CAN WE THINK FOR OURSELVES?

18th October 2020.

Can we think for ourselves? That may seem like a silly question, and of course it may be, but as I look around when I'm out in public, watching TV, and reading on the internet or doing my healthy eating research, I really think that some people, for whatever reason, can't.

These are very strange times with the covid situation, and it's made worse with the conflicting rules, but I also find that there are many other situations where people don't understand, don't follow the rules, want to be told what to do, don't want to be told what to do, don't think that they can do it for whatever reason or think one way to cope is better than another. We can debate the current virus situation for hours, but the subject of my blog is weight loss, maintaining weight loss, healthy eating and all the issues that crop up around this.

I know that my experience is that I have had to learn to think for myself. I am with myself 24-7 when it comes to food and what it can do to me. Only I can do it for me in the same way that anyone out there can do it for themselves. There are many diets and diet groups out there and many groups do offer support at some level or another, but when push comes to shove you do it for yourself. You can do it yourself by learning to know yourself and thinking for yourself. If we depend on a “diet” or specific group we are setting ourselves up for failure if it doesn't work or if it not there.

There are no special diets or foods. If you “fail”, it is not because you have done something wrong. You are not to blame. What is to blame is the thing that expects you to follow what you are told rather than thinking for yourself. It is not an easy way, but when it works it can be so satisfying. You have worked out what is right for you and it has worked. You did it, you worked it all out and it worked. You now know what foods you really like, what you can't do without and what you can. How you are going to work out your very own calories in eating your meals against the calories burnt by living day to day and what exercise you like to do.

We are all individuals, all different and a generic “diet” is not going to work. At some point it will fail and we will blame ourselves. We always do.

We can change things. It is possible, but what we need to do is know who we are, what we really want and start thinking for ourselves.

Until next time,

Love Jackie

xx

LOOK AT WHAT YOU REALLY HAVE

 

9^th October, 2020

I find it hard to admit it to myself, but at the end of last month my motivation had gone flat. It's hard to admit it because I have spent the last twenty months plus, working out what I have done wrong in the past and doing my best to put it right this time, and truthfully I have, so far. I have taken things slowly, not becoming obsessed about food and not worrying about getting weighed two or three times a day. I have learnt so much on my weight loss journey, and eat now in a far more healthy way and truly I have learnt to really enjoy the food that I eat. Appreciating the tastes and different textures and not just shoving it in quick because I was hungry and wishing I was eating something a bit more calorie laden and fatty.

It has taken me quite a while and because of this results have been slow, but those results are beginning to show. My problem was that I was doing all this for targets I had set and now I had reached those targets I didn't know what to do to move forward. I had reached my destination but what I wasn't doing was looking round myself at the scenery around me. What I mean is that I was so busy concentrating on the target I could not see what I had and still could achieve.

I needed time to have a break and really put a lot of thought into what I have achieved. I realised I never thought about what I had achieved. I had a job to do and I had done it, but I HAD done it. I have lost 84lbs, no small task but I never looked at what else this meant. It is not only about the weight loss. I suffer from severe arthritis and am in a lot of pain but losing this weight has took a lot of stress away from my body. I do have more energy which is good even though I get frustrated I can't do more, but at least the energy is there and I don't sleep so much in the daytime. I still wake up in the night because of the pain but I do now seem to go back to sleep more easily. I know my fitness levels are so much better. If I didn't have my mobility issues I know I would be able to be much more active, but it is what it is, and at least I feel better in myself. Losing weight also means my measurements have gone down and I can not only fit into smaller clothes, but look reasonably good in them, which boosts my mood no end.

I have lost five inches from my bust, six inches from my waist and six inches from my hips. Before I started my weight loss journey, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I felt old and ugly and my self-esteem was very low. At least now I don't mind having my picture taken and am beginning to take a greater interest in how I look and even though my self-esteem is still low it is higher than it was. One of the greatest things about losing weight as well as better health is better food choices and really enjoying food for what it is, and not just for filling my stomach. I find now I take the time to really know what food tastes like and realising that some foods I thought I liked I didn't.

As I really think about what my weight loss has given me, there is no way I would want to give it up and I know I want to move on now to lose the rest. Knowing what I really have motivates me to carry on and finish what I started. We have come back from a couple of days away and while we were there I really enjoyed eating what I wanted to eat and really enjoyed making free choices. They may noy have been as healthy as they could have been, but it didn't really matter for two days. I have had a rest, a reassessment and now my motivation has returned.

Here's to losing the next 28lbs and the benefits that brings.

Jackie

xx