31^st December, 2020

We are now here at the end of that very strange year, 2020. So much has been lost, and that must never be forgotten or belittled, but hopefully in the years to come we will look back and see some positivity in all this. Hard, I know, at the moment. I was in a strange frame of mind as Christmas drew near. I do have many positive memories of Christmas in past years, but there have also been so many bad, negative, memories and I have to try so hard to keep a balance. When I was with my ex-husband, he had a habit of doing his best to spoil any special occasion he could, in whatever way he could, and there have been some really horrible times.

We have not been in a relationship for nearly 20 years, but those memories burn into your brain and bubble back up to the surface if you let them. I have found ways to cope with them, but it can still be hard. Having said that, apart from the fact that we couldn't be with our family this year (they are now in tier 4, while we are still – for now at least – still in tier 3), we had a lovely day. Christmas came and went, with a new way of coping and I also realised how different it had become for me in my relationship with food.

I had a lovely Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, with lots of lovely festive food and drink and didn't worry about what I was consuming as I would have done in past years. Just before Christmas there was a slight panic, but not over Christmas itself. My panic may come across to some as silly, but to me it was real. Since I saw the orthopaedic specialist and was approved for my hip surgery, I have not lost much more weight. He was so adamant that I should be that weight, I panicked that I would put weight on, be called for the operation after Christmas and be refused because of my weight. That was not going to happen, in the fact that I am not going to be called in for the operation at the moment, but that did not stop the worry. It's a ludicrous situation, that all this depends on my B.M.I., but that is for another blog. After talking things over with Steve, the panic was put to rest and I was able to enjoy the festive days without a second thought until Boxing Day

That morning I got up, came downstairs and started to think about what I wanted for breakfast and realised I was ready to go back to what I usually ate. It was a very strange feeling. We had had some wonderful food, but I was beginning to feel that I wanted to go back to “normal”. Normal is not a good word to use but I wanted to go back to the way of eating I have established and made my lifestyle change this past year.

Festive food is lovely, rich and sugary, but lovely. However, I had to go back to the foods I liked to eat and the way I need to eat. I want to lose another two stone in the New Year, but at this time I just want to get back to the way I am more comfortable with and this time this feeling was so different to past years when I wanted to diet and felt so guilty if I ate what I shouldn't.

This time I felt that I could eat what I liked without guilt, but now I know when I have had enough. It was a lovely feeling because I felt that this time I was beginning to address the relationship I have with food.

For me, as with many others, it will never be easy but I have learnt so much, and I am able to move forward to the next stage of reaching my ideal weight. This year has gone and the new one is just about here and let us hope it is a much better one for us all. I am so pleased to be back writing my thoughts, So I'll be back again soon.

See you then,

Love, Jackie

xx