14th July, 2021
We all have feelings, and feelings are not always easy to cope with. We must have them for a reason, I know we learn and become stronger from some of the feelings that we have, but that does not make it easier when you are wrapped up in sad, emotional feelings. I have been told don't let emotions affect what you say and how you behave, but that definitely isn't easy. There will be people this Monday morning just gone feeling jaded and sad (at the very least) because England didn't win the European Championship. I am not really a football watcher but I think the team did well to reach the final, and being a winner isn't just about holding up a trophy. It takes a lot of hard work, commitment and training just to get anywhere near the needed standard to go through all the previous rounds and qualify for the end game. Knowing you have a goal, no pun intended, and committing yourself to it takes a strong mind. It can take a long time to get where you need to be and know what you need to do to get there. Now, I am in no way saying that I am the same as an England football team player, far from it, but a challenge is a challenge. Whether it's playing for England or losing 100 lbs plus in weight. It just takes a different mind set and obviously a much greater fitness level to play for England, but losing a great amount of weight is still a challenge and something to be very proud of. That said, coping with all the different feelings that crop up in life is hard. Even when you feel disappointed that you didn't quite get there you have to try and remember how far you have come and what it took to get there.
It takes a special kind of person not to let feelings effect how we think and how we behave. To always see what we have done and not to think at some point we have not done well. In a way I envy people that can do that . It is so hard to be so focused on the fact of how good you are and never admit that you have failed. Having said all that, that is not really who I am. I know my self-esteem has been worn away by some people in the past, and my self-confidence is not very high but I don't think I would ever want to be so arrogant that I felt I was always right and never wrong. I know that I, like many are, am effected by my emotions. That was one of the many reasons I was overweight, I ate when I was sad, unhappy, angry, stressed, etc. etc., but I have hopefully learnt to deal with things in a different way. It wasn't just emotions that made me overweight but they didn't help. You really need to look at all aspects of your situation to put it right. There are many who would like to change something that they don't like about themselves but then feel it is too hard to do it. Some manage to be happy with who they are and actually start to celebrate it, but many are always unhappy. They would like things to be different, but can't, or won't, put in the work to change it. I remember a doctor saying to me, when I had gone to him about being unhappy in my first marriage, that you either do something about it, or put up with it. Now that is so true, and easy for him to say, but finding a way to do that wasn't easy. With no outside support or obvious way, it took me years to be able to do something, but eventually I did. The solution to something can be hard to find, but if you really want something, you will find it. You still have to cope with all the different feelings and emotions along the way. Even when you have got there, those moments of weakness will still always be around and you have to know how to cope and how to pick yourself up. It comes down to you and you alone.
I feel a liitle bit like this today, really for no other reason than the fact that my pre-operation assessment had to be cancelled. It is a disappointment, but not the end of the world. It will still happen, just not today. What I am pleased about is that the fact that knowing I was going to this assessment didn't stop me from having a lovely day out on Saturday and eating lots of lovely food. A few years ago I would have been really afraid of eating before I was going to get weighed because I was so obsessed about food. Such a small issue really when many in the world have to cope with so much trauma, stress and loss, but to me it was so, so, real. Having to control myself because I might fail. In the past if I failed I might have had to cope with some kind of abuse, but I don't now. I now know that failing is not going to result in anything that bad. I am able to pick myself up and try again. I know I have to be a certain weight to have this operation, but a couple of extra pounds are not going to change things. I shouldn't have to feel this way and, as I have said, it is a small struggle to have, compared to what others have to cope with. I will always be aware of this. When coping with how I feel, my feelings are personal to me. Working towards a goal and trying to reach it can be hard work, but the satisfaction it can bring is so worth it. |Being able to change the way we think and live our lives can bring so much joy, but we must never lose perspective on this. We can not always be perfect. We may never completely get what it is we want, but we should never forget how far we have come or how much we have done. We don't always have to be complete winners, there is nothing wrong with second place. Perhaps so many issues would not arise if we were taught this from an early age. As long as we are truly aware of what we have achieved and are proud of ourselves at that level, then everything else is a bonus.
I was disappointed that my assessment was postponed and I did feel like eating comfort food, but I didn't. Even if I had, it wouldn't really matter. It's coping with a situation, no matter how small, that counts. It will happen, and I still have lost seven and a half stones. That achievement is mine, and no one can ever take that away from me, but me. It had to be done, I did it, and one day I will learn to be proud of myself. For now I will take the feelings and deal with them in the best way that I can. I am sure there are many downs – and ups – still to come.
All for now, until next time,
Love, Jackie
xx
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