ALL THIS STARTED WITH A PHOTO OF A SKIRT AND A NEW BOOK

 29^th April, 2021

We came to live here in Yorkshire eleven years ago this coming July, and those years have seen ups and downs in many ways, including with my weight down, up and then back down again :-)

As I have said before, I have struggled with the problems excess body weight can cause all my life, health issues, weight stigma, self confidence, etc, etc. I have tried every diet going, weight loss clubs, meal replacements and even hunger supressing drugs that my G.P. at the time prescribed for me. This drug has  now been taken off the market / prescribing register and I don't like to think now what that could have done to my system, apart from assisting me to lose weight. Whether it did help I have my doubts, and even if it did help, it certainly didn't teach me to keep it off!

That was in 2002/3 and I did actually lose 10 stones. By the time I'd met my second husband, got married and moved back to Yorkshire in 2010, all the weight had come back on, as it did the first time I lost weight up here. It happens, and if we do not learn how to change our mindset it will happen again and again. Hopefully this time I have succeeded and changed my mindset. We will see!

Back in 2010, as I said, I had put back on the 10 stone I had lost in 2002/3, but I was happy. New marriage, a new life and a short lived contentment. Now, at that time I had a denim skirt. Not only did it fit me, but I felt good in it. Every time I wore it, and I wore it a lot, I felt so good. When you feel that good, you can take on the world, or at least that's the way it feels. By 2013 my health had declined, and with the birth of our grandson I tried once again to lose weight, this time through a N.H.S. weight loss group. As I lost weight my lovely denim skirt got way too big for me. I moved on to other things to wear and my denim skirt was put away somewhere, I know not where now. Of course the weight crept back on again, and my health declined even more. Not only did my diabetes get worse, but the many years of pain with my arthritis started. As I have said in previous blogs, I also suffered from depression, hitting rock bottom in 2019. I decided enough was enough and I had to finally, once and for all, do something about not just my weight, but more importantly my health. In part my depression had been triggered by weight stigma, which I have had all my life, and not being listened to.

When you feel down and your self-esteem is low it is so hard to fight back. In the second part of this blog I will talk about the many times that weight stigma has affected me, and how now at last it is starting to be addressed. During 2019 I definitely did not feel as good as I did when I had my denim skirt. The same weight, the same look, but no confidence. It had all gone. Now, I know that a skirt doesn't possess any magical powers, but recently I have looked back to those times and realised that it doesn't matter what you look like and what size you are, if you feel good about yourself, then the confidence is there. It's only when it all begins to go wrong that things turn bad. Now that I have lost weight again and i have a new found love of fashion and how I look, I have been thinking about that denim skirt and looking at photos of me wearing it.

Goodness knows where it is now, but... last week I was looking around one of my favourite charity shops and lo and behold there was, in my size and at the right length, a denim skirt. I just had to buy it, if only for old time's sake. Perhaps I will have as many happy memories wearing this skirt as I did my old one, which was a UK size 26. This one is a UK size 16 and I'll definitely settle for that! :-)

I am still thinking about the past and learning from it, and as I have already said the next blog will cover weight stigma and how it has affected my life in so many different ways.

So, until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx

PS. I haven't mentioned the book in the title. I will, in the next blog.

FITTING IN

26^th April, 2021

I have really felt that in this last week or so, that life is beginning to wake up again. The weather here in the U.K. is getting better and the sun has been shining. This always makes me feel so much better. To be able to go out without a coat and start to wear spring/summer clothes again just cheers me up and gives my confidence a real boost. As well as this, to be able to go to the hairdressers – well it definitely starts to make me feel better.

It won't be long now before I am able to travel and see my family, which will just put the cherry on the cake. I have not seen my daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren since August last year, and my son and future daughter-in-law for over a year. It has not been an easy year for so many of us on a number of different levels, so anything that makes us feel better is such a bonus.

At the moment, for me, if the weather is good and I can get dressed up and go out, even if it's only for an hour or two, then I feel so much better. The pain I am in is getting worse and worse now, especially at night, so I am trying so hard at the moment to put a positive spin on things until I can finally get the surgery I need. I know I will never be 100%, but anything over 70% I will accept. :-)

I am one of those people that always seem to come across as talkative, loud and confident, but deep down inside I am not. I have learnt over time not to beat myself up mentally over that voice in my head at 3 o'clock in the morning that is putting me down. But what people in the outside world see is Jackie and the mask she wears, not always the real Jackie at all. Just ask my husband. :-)

However, I do my best. Life is short and you have to make the best of the gift of life you have been given. I have gone through a lot of changes in my 62 years, and it so true that life's experiences make you just who you are. Life isn't always easy but looking back on mine now I have grown so much from my experiences and I am a survivor. More than this I am now beginning to say I am an individual and I'm allowing myself to be me and I have to say it does feel good.

For so long through my childhood and early adulthood I didn't know who I was and I tried so hard to “fit in”. Many of us do, but for me I now realise it didn't work.

When I was a teenager I wanted to be like the thin people I knew and be able to wear the things that they did and do the things they did. I did my best, but it never worked. I remember how good it made me feel when I managed to find something to wear that was in fashion that fit me and when I had had my first relationships with boys, but it just wasn't the same. Sad to say I always felt like second best and I realise now that I had no one to talk to or encourage me to have the confidence I needed. This might have been why I fell into the relationship with my first husband, who knows? Even though I had always wanted to fit in because that's what I thought you did, I have always loved different people and things. A contradiction, I know, but I now know that I like to be different but never really had the confidence, so I tried to “fit in”. As I have said before, my first husband is a Sikh from the Punjab region of India, and from the age of 18 to my late 30s – early 40s I led a very different life in oh, so many different ways.

It wasn't all bad, and I am grateful for the two children I have and proud of who they are, the people I have met, the culture I have experienced and for all the positives of a different way of life.

Even in those years I did my best to fit in and be a “good” wife to my husband. I learnt to cook Indian food, learnt all I could about Sikhism and the beliefs and values of the Sikh way of life, and on many occasions wore Punjabi clothes. I can honestly say I loved it all and still do. I respect greatly the Sikh way of life and base much of how I live my life now on it, even though I don't have long hair anymore my heart is and always will be there.

I am grateful for the Indian food we all love and even though we do have takeaways and sometimes eat out (when we can) I am proud that I can also cook Indian food well (people tell me I can, so it must be that way :-) ).

Now we come to clothes. I have only worn Punjabi clothes a few times the last 18 years or so, but still love the materials, colours and practicality of them. I always have. When I first started wearing Punjabi salwar kameez I felt so special when we visited friends and family, and when we visited the Gurdwara (Sikh Temple) in Southall I felt I fitted in. The majority of people we met seemed to appreciate my trying, but I remember one occasion where my feelings were hurt big time.

We had gone to a party and I got all dressed up and felt great. Most of my Punjabi clothes were made for me, you couldn't buy so many in those days, by family at home or when we were in India by a tailor. They did a lovely job as far as I was concerned and I felt so special. At this party I found myself without my husband, which often happened, and I ended up standing next to group of young women. One of them said to me “Do you like wearing Punjabi clothes?” I said I did and she said “You do realise your clothes are so old fashioned!” I did not know what to say. I realise now after all these years that she was just being nasty and unkind, but at the time I felt so stupid and a fool for thinking that I could ever fit in. I so wish that I, the older Jackie, could be back in that room to put that girl straight, but that's not possible, so life goes on. Lesson learnt.

I carried on for many more years just fitting in and really not wanting to stand out. I am coming to the realisation that that is just not me. I feel more comfortable being me and I am having so much fun learning who I am. I know it may seem petty talking about clothes and what you look like, and, yes, there is so much more to life, but if you are comfortable in who you are and what you look like, it can help you to feel so much stronger to face the world.

Finding that new found confidence and how to express yourself in the style and colours you feel are you just helps you to live your best life. Being your best brings out the best in you. No more fitting in, this is me, lumps, bumps and all, and I will continue to be the best I can.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

x x x

FOOD AND ME

 

15^th April, 2021

I have been putting my weight loss thoughts down in my blog for just over a year now, since I made the decision to start writing it again. What a year it has been, with Coronavirus and, here in the U.K., lockdowns. Things are now finally starting to change and hopefully we will soon return to some kind of normality – whatever that is! I have continued to feel very tired and lethargic. Not being able to sleep well at night because of the pain I'm in does not help, but hopefully that will get better later this year when I have had my joint replacements. I do try to stay as positive as I can but I have found it so hard to motivate myself to write. Writing my blog has become a habit and it really troubles me when I want to write, but can't make the effort to do it. It shouldn't matter, after all I make no profit from it, but it does. It has always been my way of clearing my mind of the thoughts that are spinning around in there, and it helps me to make sense of things.

When something becomes a habit it becomes a part of your life. Absorbed into your daily living, part of you and you know it's the right thing to do for you. It's the same with food and what you eat. I love food, good food, and it has always been part of my life. Some of my earliest memories are about food. Coming home from school and always having a home cooked meal waiting there, cooked by my Grandma.

I have covered this before, but we lived with my Grandparents and I am so grateful to them for being there for me. How I wish they could be here now, so I could chat to them and ask them all the questions I have, now that I am an adult with my own family. My Grandad was brought up by his mother after his father and sister both died when he was very young. My Grandma was one of fourteen children, not all of whom lived to adulthood, so both of them had no money growing up. My Grandad was a coal miner all his life, starting his working life at just 12 years old and retiring at 65 years of age. There was never really a lot of money about as I grew up, but the food was always good. My brother and my mother also lived there, but my mother worked full time and had a very busy social life, so I don't really remember a lot from that time except what I talked about in a previous blog.

I went on to study catering when I left school, and then met my first husband which started my long, long love of Indian food. I was fortunate enough to learn to cook Indian food from people who cooked at home in the authentic way. I even went on at one point to teach Indian cookery in Adult Education, which is something I really loved. To be able to not only teach students how to cook good food, but also to have the opportunity to talk about the ethos and the culture of the country I love was great, and added to the depth of the experience.

What has been really great over the years is to know people from all over the world and have the chance to eat beautiful home cooked food from many regions. Food is so important in so many cultures and knowing the history behind the dishes and the importance around them and how they evolved truly does enhance the experience.

Being able to eat food in so many different and diverse places, from a very basic home (a hut actually) up to a top class hotel or two :-) has truly made some lovely memories. Put all this together with the 90 odd cookery books in my collection, it is clear that food has always been a big. big part of my life.

So imagine what it's like to have that love quashed! Taken away because all of a sudden you have to follow a strict diet regime that dictates just what you can – and can't – eat. Quite often not taking into account your lifestyle, culture and the way you live your life. When this regime takes over your brain and it becomes such a worry or concern if you go off plan at any time when life gets in the way as it so often does. From my past experience, it is clear that this kind of eating is not going to last long. Can you think of a certain industry that makes large profits because of this?

In the past, my love of food in all forms has been taken away from me because of a weight loss diet. I couldn't look at my books, watch food programmes on the TV, and cut out all the food I loved because I would become obsessed – even over-obsessed – with weight loss, and was afraid to even look at food in case I cheated and didn't lose weight.

That is why this time – my last attempt – things had to change. I had to find a way to not only incorporate foods I loved to eat but prevent myself getting obsessed with that needle on the scales. I have not become superhuman this year and it has not always been easy but I am getting there.You have to make changes, but they have to the right changes. You have to learn how to be flexible with food and really look at what you are eating and why. Do you really need something, or not? And if you do – then have it! It can be done and I really feel now that I am nearly there. What I choose to eat and where and when is now becoming a habit. I eat food because I want to, not because I have to, and the fear of putting on weight is beginning to subside. Yes, I may put a few pounds on, and if my clothes start to get a bit tight I have to notice that and do something about it. At the end of the day, it's all about health and being at peace with yourself. Anything that takes away totally what you love can not be good. There is a compromise and it is a compromise that is working for me.

See you next time.

Until then,

Love Jackie

xx

"NO DAMAGE DONE!"

 

2^nd April, 2021

This last week I have been feeling very tired and run down, not wanting to do very much and I have found myself watching Youtube. I don't watch a lot of conventional TV, I find that there isn't a lot on during the day that I like, but on Youtube you can usually find something of interest.

I have mentioned in the past that I love charity shops, and have done so for about 45 years of my life. I think it probably started when I didn't have a lot of money, and needed to find clothes and things cheaply, but now it's the fun it gives. You just never know what you'll find, sometimes good quality things without spending too much. The buzz it gives you when you find a bargain, and the satisfaction of finding something at a fraction of the ordinary shop price. It is so much fun.

Whilst looking on Youtube the other day I came across someone called Emma Radcliffe, who also has the charity shop “addiction” and talks about the things she finds. You can also find her on Instagram as radcliffe_e.

She is an ordinary mum and wife, and a midwife, and with her down to earth views on life she comes across as a very nice person. She is so easy to relate to and watch.

After watching a few of her videos, I came across one called "Slimming World Update - A Weight Lifted“. Goodness me! As I watched it, it struck a raw nerve with me. What a passionate, honest and heartfelt confession. To cut a long story short, Emma had been attending that well known slimming group and had lost 12 ½ pounds. She then put on ½ pound and over the next week worked really hard to get herself back on track. During this week she went away with her family and found that she could not get the “diet” out of her head, and felt guilty about eating the “wrong” things as she had her weigh-in on the Monday. To make matters worse, she couldn't even feel comfortable about her son cooking for her on Mother's Day because the weigh-in was the next day. Now, some people will not understand what the big deal was, and think come off the diet and go back on, but I remember oh so well how I got so obsessed with weight loss and how it took over my life.

There are many of us that just cannot relax and enjoy life when we become obsessed with what the scales say. For those of us that do understand, the pleasures of life can be sucked away by the fear of that number on the scale.

The story goes on to say that Emma tried so hard that week, feeling very guilty at any thought of being “naughty” and eating “bad” foods and when she went to get weighed she had neither lost nor gained weight, just maintained it. I remember that feeling of trying so hard for seven days and only maintaining my weight and feeling there is no reward of weight loss. What really hurt me and brought a tear to my eye was when Emma said that the group leader had told her “no damage done”, meaning no weight gained. What a real lack of understanding comes across to me from that sentence. “No damage done”. Emma is a midwife who had been working nights, she couldn't enjoy the time away with her family because of the fear of eating the wrong thing, and couldn't even enjoy a Mother's Day meal because the weigh-in was the next day.

“No damage done”? There certainly was damage done, in the fact that dieting can completely take over your life and how you think about food. I haven't really done Emma justice with my brief description of the story, and fully recommend watching her post on Youtube. It so describes how dieting can completely take over your mind and life. Emma went on to stop going to the slimming group and she's now feeling so much better and happier with her self-image and confidence.

Seeing her story confirmed to me that weight loss and the obsessions it can cause is so real to many of us. Feeling like we are not good enough and need to conform to what is expected.

I am so grateful that this time I have been able to look at my weight loss in a completely new way. I knew I had to lose weight for my health and also because of my hopefully forthcoming operations, but I have managed to conquer the obsession with being small. I know I will never be a size 12, and don't want to be. I will be happy to lose – very slowly – another stone and a half, which will bring me down to the low 12 stones mark, eight stone lost in total.

It's all about how you feel about yourself and living the best life you can.

Thank you so much to Emma for being so honest in telling all who watched, how it was for her, and how it made her feel, letting us know that we are not alone in how we feel. We can learn to love the way we are, the way we look and make the best of what we have, without that feeling of guilt. And if that includes a bargain in the charity shops once they open again, well so much the better :-)

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx