" I CAN'T! "

25^th April 2020

When I was thinking about writing my blog this week, I had decided to write on a completely different subject to what I am actually doing now.

This happens quite a lot with me, forever changing my mind :-)

The usual process is once I have written my blog I start to think “Well, what do I do next?”

I have started to think I can't do this, but I have made a commitment to do it, for myself and those of you who read it. So I carry on.

I try not to think about it for 3 or 4 days until my mind starts to clear and ideas start to pop in and out. At this point I start to think that perhaps the next blog subject is there. Writing helps me focus on all the random thoughts I have and can be quite theraputic when my mind is racing around, quite often at three o'clock in the morning.

I thought five years ago that I couldn't do my blog anymore and stopped, but now it has been resurrected and I am doing my best to keep it alive.

Especially at the moment I watch a lot of television, and there was a programme on weight loss that I had recorded. One of many, I should say, as I do get obsessional about subjects that interest me.

On this particular programme all I seemed to hear was a young woman saying “I can't”. She wanted to lose weight, eat less, move more and change her life, but for whatever reason she just couldn't. She wouldn't even try.

She had slipped into the habit over many years of just not trying to do the things that would help her. She just ate more and more with little physical activity until she was so overweight the motivation had gone. It was easier to live the way that her live had become rather than try to change it.

There are many times I have thought “I can't”.

On the road of life there are many obstacles and I must admit I have said those two words many times, whether it was because it was mentally too much or something I thought was physically beyond me.

A lot of the time it was because of fear.

Quite often walks were out of the question because I was so scared that because of my weight, and later the pain, that I would get so far and not be able to get back again.

During the years of my first marriage there were many situations I had to deal with, and I couldn't say “I can't”. I had to deal with them to protect myself and my children. Later as my life changed my resolve was not as strong. By now I was tired and trying was not so easy. It was easy to slip into a habit of not trying for whatever reason and so difficult to kickstart myself into at least trying to see if the task was within my capability.

Last year was a very dark time for me, in a lot of pain and not getting the right professional help that I needed. In fact, as I have already said, one professional made the situation worse because they didn't understand, or want to understand, what I was saying, labeling me an excuse giver and non-compliant and treating me for ten months as such.

Looking back now, maybe some of the things I was saying could have been taken as excuses, but with a bit of care, a better assessment and listening to what I was saying, the whole situation could have been so much better, helping me to feel I didn't have to say “I can't”.

The support I needed has now started to appear and things have begun to get better.

The current situation we are all in has put us in a situation where have had to rethink life completely and adapt to living in the best way we can.

It is so easy for whatever reason to say in the first instance “I can't do this, it's too hard”.

I was just starting to come out of this dark place and the light that was at the end of the tunnel has now been moved further back, but it is still there,

For lots of us at the moment it is easy to say “I can't do this today, I will do it another day” and slip into the habit of just sitting there. We need to look after ourselves as well as our family.

It's not always easy but we have to try in whatever way we can, if it's not perfect it doesn't matter, we are trying.

I do not want to spoil the work I have already started with my weight loss journey and I'll continue to find ways that I can make myself feel better both mentally and physically. I hope you can too.

Take care, until next time,

Jackie

x x

HOW CAN A BUILDING STAND WITHOUT A FOUNDATION?

18^th April 2020

After leaving my blog on a cliffhanger last time, I felt I couldn't leave it too long before I wrote again.

I am passionate about how we are treated by the health profession, the diet industry, how image affects us all and our everyday life, and the effects it can have on children as they grow up in these modern times.

Before I can write and express my feelings on this I need to bring my present history up to the stage where I first started my blog five years ago so my whole story and experiences are out there. It was where the seeds of my passion grew from.

So there I was, nearly 17, and for the first time in my life feeling I was in a proper relationship. I had had two boyfriends before this, but this seemed to be “The One”!

In the beginning I felt great. I had no real experience of relationships and how they should be.

My Grandad and Grandma were married 50 years plus, and my mother had various boyfriends before she remarried, but as a child you don't really think about those things and what is the “norm”.

I remember years later reading the book by Fred West's daughter Anne Marie West “Out Of The Shadows”. From what I remember she was asked why she didn't think what was happening at the time was wrong, and she said she didn't know any different.

My situation was never as bad as that, but if you have no other experience and your social circle is taken away from you, how do you know what is acceptable?

In the beginning my first husband he was very controlling, which grew into him stopping my friendships and socialising. By the time I had my daughter I had given up work and was at home all the time. I still had friends, but the relationship with my husband was deteriorating.

The control got worse and worse and he did become abusive. I do not feel, for many reasons at this time, I can publically go into detail and don't need too, but for the context of my blog, he continually went on about my weight, putting me under pressure to diet and continually went on about how I looked. He had said when we first got together that you can't change a nature or a face, but you can change weight, and he never stopped getting on at me about it.

I was made to feel fat and ugly and a failure with no way out. By this time my Grandad has passed away and my Grandma had Alzheimers, so I was looking after her as well as my husband and children. My mother had disowned me when I got married. My husband did not want her at the wedding and because she wasn't invited and only told afterwards, she abandoned me, so I had no support at all.

He developed mental health issues and his behaviour got worse and worse. By this time the children were growing up and it was harder to hide things.

They were a very hard few years and the marriage should have ended years earlier, but anyone who's been in that situation will know it's not always that easy. Me and the children had a few experiences we can laugh about now, but at the time it was Hell.

I tried so hard to make a better life for me and the children, but he always managed to disrupt all my efforts. I felt I'd failed and failed again.

One day I had had enough. I just couldn't take anymore and I started the process of leaving him.

It took two long years, a very distressing time, but I did it. I was free, sort of, and things finally started to get better.

During that time I lost weight, did a lot of research into making myself feel and look better, but my knowledge was limited. I have continued to research anything to do with weight loss, image and social pressures and will continue to do so to help myself and hopefully others.

I was on my own for nearly two years when Steve and I decided to go out together, and marry a year later in 2004.

Life from then up to now has been happier and much better, but the fight with my weight, confidence and self-esteem still goes on.

Jackie

xx

BUILDING ON SHAKY FOUNDATIONS

16th April 2020

Well, the Easter holidays and Vaisakhi are over...
Both festivals have meant something to us as a family for many years. My first husband is a Sikh and I have done my best to bring my two children up understanding and enjoying both cultures and religions and be proud of who they are.
I live about 250 miles from my family, so to not be able to get together and celebrate with them this year has been hard, but everyone is in the same boat at the moment, whether we live hundreds of miles away or just two or three. 
I have always been close to my children and love the sense of family. It has not always been easy as the situation we were in a few years back was definitely not the norm, but as a mother I would hope that I have been, and always will be, there when they need me.
I never really had that support when I was growing up, and this is where I feel my weight problems started. 
I was born in 1958, a big bouncing baby. My mother was 17 years old, and my father nearly 20. They married in the January and I was born in July. So you can work out the maths! I was about 13 years old before I did! :-)
I don't remember much about the early years, but every photo I look at shows a chubby child. My mother once told me that I was always hungry, from bottles of milk through to food and there was always good food at home.
Later, when I lived with my Grandparents, I do remember the food being so good. my grandmother was one of 14 children and food was always filling with lots of potatoes, pastry, bread, dumplings and Yorkshire puddings.
My first real memory of my weight really affecting me was as I came to the end of my junior school years and the start of senior school.
It seems these days that children at such an early age think about what they look like, I know my grandchildren do, but back then it was not the same.
As I got to the age of 11, I began to realise how difficult it was to get clothes to fit. I was round about a size 16-18 and they were all adult clothes. School uniform was a nightmare. We could only get it from one shop and when it did fit it was too long and the arms covered my hands. 
I was bullied at junior school and this continued through senior school and this did nothing for my self-confidence.
It was really hard to understand why I was the way I was and why anyone would have a problem with this. I was a good person, so why were they so unkind?  
By this time my parents had separated and, as I have said, we went to live with my grandparents.
Being a single parent these days is accepted far more, but in those days it wasn't. So as well as being bullied for my weight, I was also bullied because my parents weren't together.
My memory of my mother is that of a very beautiful, slim woman and of course, as I said before, she was only 17 years older than me. I remember her coming to a parent's day at the school once, dressed up so glamorously with full make up, hair done, short skirt and a fur coat. She was a very impressive woman, but that didn't really help my self-esteem, when I was fat and dumpy and I was bullied for the way she looked and I looked.
To be fair, she did try to put me on a diet, but back in the 60s we really didn't have much idea.
I was beginning to realise that boys were not really interested in me. My friends all started to get boyfriends, but no-one paid much attention to the "fat friend" and my confidence went down and down. I still remember the pain of that even now when I think about it.
I started catering college at 16  and for a few months I started to feel a little happier. I was away from school, I was starting a career with food which I loved, and the people in the class were really nice to me.
Then my world changed.
I lived and grew up in Yorkshire. My mother had remarried and was now living in the South of England. She decided she wanted me living with her. She was expecting, and I feel she wanted me there to help her.
She took me away from the grandparents that I loved, the college where I had started to make friends and forced me to start all over again in a new place where I knew no-one.
I started a catering course in Farnborough, but once again I was the fat girl in the class, but this time the one with the funny accent.
So there I was, very quiet, lacking self-confidence, feeling ugly and thinking there was no hope for me. Then, one day while I was at my weekend job, a man started to show me some attention. 
He was a handsome man and he was interested in me! I could hardly believe it, but it was true. 
That's how the next 26 years of my life started and the battle of weight, confidence and self-esteem continued.

We will leave it there for another day...

Jackie

xx

A NEW PATH TO A BETTER PLACE

12th April 2020

Back in January last year my weight was back to 20 stone plus, and as well as the pain from the arthritus I was having problems with my diabetes. My blood sugar was really high and I decided to see my GP.
In July my blood sugars levels were still high, and I was waiting to see a dietician to see if we could go over what I was eating and make some changes.
In October I finally got to see the dietician, and I found out my weight had come down to just under 19 stone, so I had lost some myself.
The thing is I do know, having trained in catering, and later as a beauty therapist,, about nutrition and what I should eat.
I have been trying to lose weight since I was 16 and met my first husband. My problem was more than food. It was not just what went on in my stomach, it was also what went on in my head. The dietician recommended I see someone who is a food councelor/psychologist who I was due to see in April this year, but due to the current situation it has been put on hold, but I am carrying on the best I can.
I have been watching "My 600 lb Life" on the TV and the one I saw this week the chap died. He had been on a lot of pain-killers which they stopped. He tried so hard but his body couldn't take the strain. The doctor on the programme said that if he been given support before, and not just pain-killers, he may have survived, but his body just gave up.
My point is, that so many times when people try to lose weight, it is only food that is addressed. The "good foods" and the "bad foods", but what is it that makes us "cheat"?
We are all different, and food affects us in different ways. With me, food in my life has been associated with so many things. Treats, punishment, self-control, self-worth, failure... the list goes on.
So many times in my life thinking about food and how much to eat has caused me so much pressure and sometimes it was just easier not to think about it and put the weight back on.
I decided that this time things would have to be different.
I have to stop being obsessive about my weight. I had to stop feeling that I had to lose weight as quickly as possible and I have to address what it is that makes me think that way.
It has not been easy up to now, and I am still finding it a struggle, but hopefully in the end it will all be worth it. I have not banned any foods, I try to be aware of what I am eating and I watch my portion sizes. The foods that have high sugar and fat content have to be limited, but I am trying to normalise my relationship with food.
I don't know if this way will work, but up to now I have lost weight. Since January last year I have lost 3 stone. It is coming off very slowly which at first I found very frustrating, but if I am to change things for good, it is what it is. A whole new learning curve for me, but a new way had to be found.
So, let's see how it goes, as we continue with uncertain times, but hopefully this time I'll crack it!

Jackie

THE DOG IS IN THE COAL SHED

A few years back I saw an animation called "I Had A Black Dog, His Name Was Depression" on Youtube and so much of it rang true with me.
During the years between me losing the last bit of weight, and putting it back on, along with the now constant fighting with pain, the black dog had well and truly moved back in and it was hard to cope with it sitting on my shoulder.
I had been assessed to see a counselor, which due to circumstances I'm still waiting to see. I was also to see a diet counselor, but again I'm still waiting due to various circumstances.  So here I stood, if I was to do anything I would have to, for now, do it by myself, with support from my family.
As I started to come to terms with this I realised that me and the black dog were in a very thick fog, hence the title of the last blog. I only actually realised this as I started to come out of the fog and began to take stock of just where I was. Sometimes you don't know where you are until things start to change and, more importantly, you realise that they have changed.
For now things are clearer and that black dog is firmly tied up in the coal shed. :-)
I want this blog to be not just about my struggle with weight loss, but also about the pressure a lot of us are put under, with weight issues, image and being what society wants us to be.
When I came out of an abusive marriage in 2001, I became passionate about these issues.
Before this I had never really been allowed to think about how things were and I did a lot of reading and research in the next two years before I met and married Steve.
Steve and I have now been married 16 years and they have really been wonderful and happy years. This passion about image pressure and expectation and the way society expects us to be thin returned again when I lost weight six years ago. I suppose they had always been there, just squashed down by all that had been happening in my life.
You should be not be judged by how you look, or given value only if you fit into "the norm".
I know that I have to reach a certain weight both for health reasons and my surgery which is understandable. However I'll still be the same person inside no matter what weight I am. No one should ever be made to feel inadequate for the weight they are or how they look.
What people need is love, respect and support to do what they want or need to do. Hopefully if a positive has come from the situation we are in at the moment it is that our attitude toward one another will change. I really hope so, but I'll have to wait and see. What I do feel is that the industry that has grown up around weight loss won't change, but I wait to be proven wrong.
I have about two stone more to lose before August if I am to be considered to have my hip surgery.
I will do my utmost to do this, whilst also doing my best to reassess and change my attitude for good towards self image and my fear of food.
So here we are at the start of April, in very strange times, with four months to go before I see my orthopedic specialist.
Thank you for being on this journey with me, if I can help any of you along the way, then all the better, and let us see what happens with this leap of faith.

Jackie

LOST IN THE FOG, WITH A BIG BLACK DOG

Friday, 3rd April.

Here we are at the start of a new month. What a week it has been, not as sunny and warm as last week and my motivation is at a low.

I love writing once I get going, and I am fine while I  am doing it, but once I finish I always worry. I am not a trained writer in any way, and only did CSE/O-Level at school - a few years ago now.

I have retrained to do many things in my life, and I worry that I am not doing this right, but it comes from my heart. I will do my best to make things interesting and hopefully helpful to those who read it.

So there I was coming to the end of 2015 and in a lot  of pain with my knee. I could hardly walk, which was my main form of exercise, and the weight was on it's way back.

In August I went for an X-Ray and the radiographer said to me "Where is your knee?"

At the time we laughed about it and said if he doesn't know where my knee is, God help him! It was only much later I found out that there was no knee as such as it had worn away and that must have been what he meant. 

I went to see a specialist at the beginning of 2016 as it had been discovered I had developed osteoarthritis in my right knee and that is when my situation really got worse.

In a nutshell, by then my weight had risen. I am not sure by how much, but nowhere near what it had been at my highest. The specialist, though, did not want to know. Afterward, when I went to see my GP, she said technically he has written you off.

So there I was, in pain and "written off" because I had put back on maybe four of the ten stone I had previously lost.

For the next few years I struggled on in pain, attempting to put things in place to try to help myself, but still putting weight back on all the time.

Those years have now all become a bit of a blur as I slipped into a situation where I felt sorry for myself. I didn't want to do anything, eat healthily, dress nicely or look after myself at all.

By the start of 2019 it had really got to the stage where I couldn't take the pain anymore. My mobility had got worse and worse and it was aggravating the other health problems I have. The GP referred me to a physiotherapist which really didn't help me at all.

It's a long story, but by the end of 2019, both my physical and mental health were at an all time low. I felt I had not been treated with any respect by some in the medical profession. It took a very long time before I saw anyone that could help me.

The GP I had started seeing at this time was very supportive and that helped me a lot. On another positive note, I had managed to see a dietician and my weight had started to fall again, but very, very slowly. However, I was still feeling very down, everything was a struggle. I really didn't care what I looked like, didn't want to go out of the house, and had lost interest in most things.

Then, in February this year, I finally got to see a different orthopedic specialist at Barnsley District General Hospital and what a difference!

He treated me with so much respect and dignity and made me feel human again. By now I was at the stage where I would need two knee replacements and a new hip, which would have to be done first. He decided if I continued to lose weight he would see me again in August and then, hopefully, do the hip operation.

I was elated, he had treated my situation with care and respect and finally I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have to lose 2 to 3 stone by August, that's six months, and I would do my best to achieve it.

Then came March, and as they the rest is history! In these strange times we now live in, can I carry on and do it? It's not an easy at the best of times, but it is something I have to do, to not be in so much pain. I will have to do my best, I have my family behind me, I have my blog, and with your support I WILL do it!

Jackie.