I HAVE HIT THE WALL. CAN I CLIMB OVER IT?

 

29^th September, 2020

Well, I had my motivation to lose weight, when my health was not great, when I needed to shed pounds so the orthopaedic specialist would consider me for my hip replacement surgery, and to be slimmer to feel good in my outfit when I am mother of the groom at my son's and fiancé's wedding. Now everything has come to a standstill and I feel confused and at a loss.

My health is a lot better than it was. Because I have lost weight my blood sugar results have come down greatly and are now at a pre-diabetic level. Really good for someone with type 2 diabetes. As I have said before, I saw the specialist in September and because I have lost so much weight he has agreed to put me on his waiting list for surgery.

I have had my outfit for the wedding for a while and it should now fit me (I haven't tried it on yet), but unfortunately because of Covid 19 the wedding has sadly had to be moved to next year. So my aims have been put into disarray. I am pleased of course that my health is better, even though I am in more pain than ever. Also, because of Covid, we are not sure when hospital operations will start again, so even though I have lost weight, nothing will happen just yet.

I know I still want to lose some more weight. At the moment I am around 14 stone, 5 lbs and I would like to be about 11 stone, 7lbs, but my motivation seems to have gone. I know it shouldn't have, but it has. What can I do to get it back? How am I going to teach myself to maintain my optimum weight if I can't get there?

I think I have to remind myself of just what I have done. I have lost 6 stone by myself. Look at the photos Jackie, I must say to myself. See how far you have come. It is not easy to lose weight, there is no magic formula, but I carried on to lose weight all the way through lockdown. At no point did I give up and I am not going to give up now. Six stone gone and just three more to go. Half of what I have already done, so I can do this. Think about why I started this. I was not happy with my quality of life and I knew I deserved better. I have started to feel so much better and I am not going to give up without a fight. I can and will carry on and one day I will say I HAVE DONE IT! I will do my best to focus on doing what I need to do and enjoy what I have already achieved. Come on, Jackie! You can, and will, do this. Don't give up now, the best is yet to come.

Jackie

xx

PS. I have never been one for giving up, and I won't. With a little thought, research and inspiration I think I have set myself straight and I will write about this next time

xx

THE FOUR PHOTOS OF JACKIE

23^rd September, 2020

In my last blog I wrote about finding old photos of myself and getting upset with the realisation of losing weight and then, through denial and lack of knowledge putting it all back on again over a seven year period.

I started my weight loss journey in 2013 and by the time of the first photo in 2014 I had reached my target loss of 100 lbs. In this photo I was out for afternoon tea with my daughter at Claridges in London, and I felt great. I was so full of confidence and able to put an outfit together that I felt was appropriate and looked good

. Why didn't that feeling stay, and why wasn't the image etched onto my mind? Perhaps it was, and by the time of the second photo three years later my mind still thought I looked like that first photo. No, by 2017 I knew what I looked like, I knew it was so hard to find good looking clothes, but I was lost and my motivation was leaving me. This day I also was out for tea, this time with my son and daughter at Cliveden House. A really beautiful place with lovely gardens, but by this time I was suffering so much with the arthritis and the pain in my knee, I was starting to find it hard to walk. I tried to put an outfit together, but even pulling a scarf across my body could not hide the size I was. I wore colours to boost my confidence, but it failed. I remember that when we booked in, I felt that the receptionist spoke to my daughter and son, but it was like I was invisible. Whether that was true or not I don't know, but that is how I felt.

I feel so much sadness when I look at photo 2017 because really I was a mess. I was in so much pain, both physically and mentally, but at a loss how to stop the situation.

Those feelings got worse and worse and by the third photo in July 2019 I was completely lost in myself. We had gone to Maastricht to see Andre Rieu and even though we had enjoyed going before, this time was not the same. We had a lovely time, but I know deep down inside I was not really happy, no matter how much I tried. I look at photo 2019 now, and know that I could not have carried on that way for much longer. I was worn out all the time, it was hard just to look after myself and I was not the person I wanted to be. The pure frustration of the situation I was in was getting me down and even though I am a strong woman I had hit the bottom. But, as they say, when you reach the bottom the only way is up – although I could argue that you could just stay there at the bottom. At that time I did feel like I was going to stay at the bottom, but I was fortunate enough for a few things to happen in my life that helped me start to get myself together, really starting when I saw the specialist in February.

It's frightening to think that if he had not been so understanding and been more like the first one I saw five years ago, what would have happened to me going forward. He wasn't like that at all. He understood what I was trying to say to him and he was prepared to give me a chance, and that I was all I needed to pick myself up. The last seven months have not always been easy, but I have learnt so much and I know now that I am worth so much more than some in the past have made me feel.

Now we come to photo 2020, and even though I am still not keen on having my photo taken, at least now I can look at it and sort of like what I am beginning to see.

These four photos stir so many emotions, but looking at them does help me to face reality and hopefully I will keep myself on the straight and narrow road. As you move towards your future don't ever forget the past and what you learnt from it.

Love for now,

Jackie

xx

THE CAMERA NEVER LIES - IT'S HOW YOU PERCEIVE THE RESULTS

18^th September, 2020

Well, I finally got my appointment through to see the orthopaedic specialist, which was a relief and to cut a long story short, he was really happy that I had kept my side of the bargain and lost weight, or should I say brought my B.M.I. down, all to do with NHS policy, and he kept his word by putting me on the waiting list, firstly for my hip replacement and then to look at getting my knees sorted out.

Now the wait begins to see how long it takes, and of course, I must keep the weight off until it happens – and beyond.

In one way it was such a relief, but once that feeling wore off, there was a feeling of dread that the weight was going to come back on. Just before I went to the hospital I was even having dreams that I was waking up in the morning and nearly six stone had mysteriously reappeared.

I know I will be okay, and I can deal with this, but at the moment the fear is real. As I know from experience, weight can and does come back on.

At the weekend I was looking at some photographs from the last five years and I was in tears. There were photos of when I lost the 100 pounds plus before. The ones on Facebook had all the comments on how good I looked and how well I had done, and then there were the photos of when I had obviously put the weight back on.
It was so sad that I had done that to myself and not stopped the pounds piling back on. Now I did have other things going on, as I have said in previous blogs, but in all honesty that's not a good enough excuse.

Nobody really tells you when the weight goes back on, for whatever reason, but you are responsible for yourself, and even if they did find a way to tell you, you can be in so much denial you wouldn't stop.

On a more positive note, I have lost weight before, and I am losing it now, and I have to find a way to bottle up the feelings I have now, to stop history repeating itself. We will see, but for now I will keep looking at those photos and hope they keep me on the straight and narrow.

Jackie

xx

PS. I haven't got as many photos of this time when I was 20 stone plus. I wonder why?

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SMALLER TO BE VIABLE OR GOOD ENOUGH?

 

16^th September 2020

While I was writing the other day I had the TV on in the background, and something I heard made my ears prick up and really irritated me.

They were selling jewellery on a shopping channel and there was a male presenter and a female expert who looked really smart and well presented. Whilst talking about how good a particular ring looked on the model's hand the lady expert said she would love to be in the model's chair. The male presenter said “Why don't you?” and she replied that if she could lose two stone she would be there. Hang on a minute! Why would she have to have to be two stone lighter to model a diamond ring?

This is a lady that has her own diamond mine, her own business, looking beautifully smart sitting there, and she feels she would have two stone lighter to be the model wearing the ring.

What I really find hard to accept is why things have to be represented in a certain way. It was the same when I was looking for a mother of the groom outfit, and all the models wearing them didn't look old enough to have a child old enough to be getting married. Are they afraid that if a more mature model wore them they wouldn't look as good and no one would buy them?

I would argue that even if it looked good on the model, the actual person buying it would still have to try it on and maybe be disappointed because it doesn't look the same.

I am not sure why this idea that only a younger more beautiful person can look good enough to sell things. What impression does this give to the young or more impressionable that unless you look that particular way you can't look good or if you aren't a certain size you can't do what you want. I have also noticed that most animated princesses are thin, but that's a whole story in itself.

There is nothing wrong with being slimmer and fitter, and health is so very important, but you should not feel that you have to be two stone lighter to model a ring. A flippant comment half said in jest can give the wrong message to so many, and also cause lack of confidence and many other psychological problems.

We are all good enough to be who we want to be and we should all be represented for who we are. Things are changing, but I feel it will still be a while before they do.

Jackie

xx

THE T.A.W.I.E (A.W.) DIET

9^th September, 2020

Since lockdown has eased, I have been able to get out more and see people I haven't seen for a while. Some have noticed I have lost some weight and are starting to ask me how I have done it, or what “diet” I am using.

I don't know what to say, which is a first for me :-).

Lots of people lose weight, but with most it's a slimming club or some kind of recognised diet or the latest diet craze. If I could say, oh I have been going to ------club or ------ watchers or I'm following ------ diet, it's easy because people know them and it doesn't take a lot of explaining, with what I have been doing does. Plus the fact that my way of weight management is not mainstream and I'm sure that some people think I'm a little strange (well, I am :-) ) or it's not going to work and then I would look silly. Now, I know it shouldn't matter what people think, but my confidence is not as good as it could be and a lot of the time I am thinking inside that they are wondering “What is she on” or she is going on about something that makes no sense. It makes sense to me and that is all that matters, so why do I feel embarrassed rather than proud that I have found a way that, up to now, works for me?

I think one of the main reasons is because since diets and weight clubs started, as long ago as 1863 for low carb diets, 1920s for calorie counting and the 1960s for slimming groups, people have always been told one way or another what to do by a professional or an expert.

There seems to be some kind of magic formula that the overweight believe is the answer and they can find it there. In the groups there is the group support and you can see others that have been there a long while who seem to be succeeding, so you start to think this is the way to do it.

I read on the internet while doing some research about one lady who had been going to her slimming club for 20 years. Now, obviously, she was happy to do that, and many like the official eating plan and the support a group gives, but that was not for me.

Counting the last N.H.S. Group I went to, I have been to about eight clubs in the forty-six years of my weight loss journey and while they make have worked at some level for the short term, they really were not for me. It was good while you had the attention, but it was hard during the week when you were on your own and it was disappointing when the weight went back on.

I am sure that there will be some that have lost weight this way and kept it off, but as I said, it isn't for me, and they didn't really work for me.

I have found my own way, and as I say, so far it is working for me. Only time will tell.

I come back to what I said at the beginning of my blog – why do I feel embarrassed when people ask me how I am doing it and I tell them. I really don't know, I suppose, it's just not a straightforward answer, and perhaps it's not what they are wanting to hear.

When you think about it really it IS quite straightforward, it's my T.A.W.I.E (A.W) Diet. My Think About What I Eat (And Why) diet. That's what it comes down to. No magic formula. No generic diet plan. We are all different and individual and I am continually working out what is right for me and hopefully it won't sound that strange.

Jackie

xx

WHAT WENT WRONG?

6^th September 2020

Back in 2014 I lost just over a hundred pounds, I achieved what I wanted to do, I put the work in and I felt great. I kept it off for about six months, I think, but it started to creep back on. What really went wrong? I put the weight back on at about half a stone a month. I knew it was happening so why didn't I do something about it. It would have been so easy just to lose an excess half stone and keep a check on my weight but no. I had started to be in a lot of pain at that time with my knee but that was no excuse, putting on weight was not going to make the pain go away only make it worse, so what was I thinking?

I was in denial big time. I had lost weight, I had done it before but what I hadn't learnt was what happens next.

Yes, it's great to lose weight, a lot of us do it, but so many of us put it back on and we yo-yo weight loss all our lives. This is not good if it's a stone or two but when it's seven, eight stone like I have done it needs addressing big time. How I could do that to myself, I have no idea, but I did. To watch and know the weight was going back on to my body and not do something about it was so wrong but it's all part of the condition. I want to say illness but I don't really like to look at obesity as a illness so I will say condition. Your mind knows you are trying to lose weight and with a little fight it lets you do it but where the problem comes is when that weight is lost and you have reached a target there seems to be no plan going forward as to what you do next. When I lost that last lot of weight I was doing it through a NHS group called Change For Life. I can't remember now if you went for six weeks or ten but you went every week and got weighed and then there was a talk about healthy eating. After that you could go back just to get weighed but otherwise you were on your own. Losing weight is not only to do with what you eat it's also to do with what's in your head but at no time was that addressed. It's like telling you the direction to where you want to go but not what you do when you get there.

If this is not addressed, the chances are you will go back to what you know and it starts all over again. Until weight loss is looked at in a different way to the “calories in, exercise out” equation many are always going to struggle - including me . Hopefully this time I have learnt so much more but it's been mostly on my own, through my own research and some people are not able to do this for whatever reason. The diet industry does not always look at what is going on in the individual's mind. The process for whatever reason is generic as if we are all the same even though we are not. Things are changing and there's a lot more now that think about treating the whole person in the same way as I do, so hopefully things will change. As I have said before I don't know what will happen with me going forward but once I have reached my ideal weight I hope my knowledge will kick in and help me stay there. Who knows, but I have a way to go yet so my journey carrys on.

Jackie

xx

I FEEL ANGRY, I KNOW I SHOULDN'T

5^th September 2020

This week I have had more time to think since my orthopaedic appointment was cancelled. That was irritating when it happened, but I was not angry as I was able to speak to someone and make sure I was kept in the loop. What is really infuriating me more is that in 2019 I was in a really bad place with the pain I was in and all the other side effects it caused.

I was having a real struggle with the physiologist I was seeing, who didn't really grasp the problems I had, and my blood sugars were really high because of my weight gain. A GP referred me to see a dietician in the July and I finally got to see them in October. At last I felt like someone was listening to me and with their support I managed to get a grip on my eating. I went there every two weeks and I was answerable to someone. This carried on until the end of February this year and I had lost two stones all together. Then, as I have said before, lockdown happened. I had to but my own scales and carry on by myself.

What has made me feel angry is that not once in the whole six months has anyone rang and asked me how I am getting on. When I started seeing them I was in such a bad place and they helped me start to put things right. Start is the word, but when I had to, I did it by myself. I have since lost a further three and a half stone in those six months. I did it myself, so why am I really angry? I suppose it's because I feel let down by something I thought I depended on. I think I am dealing with a real lesson here. Don't let feelings spoil what you have done and be proud of your achievements. It's sad to think that maybe there is someone out there that feels like me and feels let down and really needed that support and hopefully now they will get it.

As for me, I have learnt so much myself and I will carry on doing that, because only I can do it. If anyone can finally conquer my weight issues it's me and if I can help anyone else along the way I will.

Until next time,

Jackie

xx

WHAT SIZE AM I? AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, DOES IT MATTER?

1^st September, 2020

Size, in many ways is a strange thing. We know when we are big and when we are small, but it's when it becomes generalised it can cause problems.

In history the cavemen and Romans etc. didn't have these problems as the fur skins or togas were generally one size fits all. As we moved along in time, clothes were hand made and so were made for the person who was wearing them. It wasn't until clothes were mass produced that the issues started to happen. To try and standardize a particular size is bad enough, but all of a sudden there is also the possibility of having to justify what size we are. Ladies fashion seems slightly more problematic than men's. Men's clothes go by waist, chest and neck size etc., we ladies have the size 8 through to size 30 plus in the UK, but European sizes and American are different. How do we guess at what size we are, and why should it matter what the number on the label says?

We are not standard, but clothes sizes try to be. Even more confusing that one size 10 can be different from another size 10 depending on the brand.

If we could just try clothes on and look at what looks good and what doesn't, there would be far less of an issue, but many of us know it just doesn't work that way. When we are “thin”, if we try on a size 12 and it fits, we feel great. If it doesn't fit we feel fat – and of course it's OUR fault, not the brand of clothes. We can be conditioned to think that the smaller the number on the label, the better we are. I read a saying somewhere “It's not the clothes size, it's the attitude” and I wish that all of us with weight issues could feel that way. There is so much pressure put on us to be a smaller size, and some brands only go up to a size 16 as if anyone over that size either doesn't exist, or deserve to wear those clothes. They sometimes argue that the style would not work with a larger size. So does that mean that over a certain size we should only wear loose things, and nothing that is fitted if we choose to? There is a lot more choice in larger sizes these days, but it still comes down to size.

You have larger ladies brands and plus brands, but quite often they still follow a type of look, and quite often the models that wear them are smaller or as well proportioned as they can be. All this still adds to the many issues that can occur when we look at how the models look and how we think we look. How many of us think when we are thin we will look good?

Going back to clothes sizes I realise we have to have some idea of what size something is to give us an idea of what will fit us, but what we need is less emphasis on the actual size and more on the fact of how something looks. The day that the pressure to be judged by a number on a label goes will be a good day, but until then it is up to us to take a real good look at ourselves and learn to like what we see. I know for many of us it is so hard. It is for me, and I have to try so hard not to get upset when one size 18 fits and another doesn't. The size I am is a lot smaller than the size I was and that, for me, is what should matter. If one size 18 doesn't fit I haven't put weight on, it's just that that particular brand is smaller and I should not let that get me down. Size in that context should not matter, the number on the label should not matter, it is how I feel that matters. I will do my best to try and remember that, and not be defined by anything else. That is the best I can achieve, a me that is not a number someone else says I should be.

Jackie

xx