NO MAGIC PILL

31^st May 2020

Weight loss is never easy, whether you have a small or large amount to lose.

I know sometimes I have wished that there was a tablet I could take one night before bed so I could wake up the next day at the weight I wanted to be. Then all I would have to do is take another pill and stay that way forever. A bit like Alice in Wonderland, she got to eat cake :-)

But life is not like that. I know that there are many things out there that say they make weight loss easier, and they may do for some people, but nothing has ever worked for me. Years ago my ex-husband started to pyramid sell from quite a famous company which I think is still around. I had to take a number of tablets each day which contained vitamins, minerals, cellulose etc., and then, if I remember right, as it must have been 30 years ago, you had to mix up and drink two shakes a day. They tasted horrible and were quite expensive.

They didn't work, and I was still eating the wrong things and too many of them. If I also remember there was a chew-like tablet on the market when I first started to “diet” that was supposed to suppress the appetite, but, again, it didn't work for me. I still ate.

When I needed to lose weight back in 2002, just as my first marriage was ending, I was prescribed medication by my GP which was also formulated to reduce the appetite. I really don't know if it helped or not as I was going through a divorce, working long hours so I could buy the family home and not be on the street. I was getting weighed at the surgery every month to check my weight, so that did motivate me. As I have said before, I did lose weight, but it didn't stay off. I should also add that a few years later I found out that that medication, which I took for about a year, had been taken off the prescribing list, and I heard various stories as to why.

Another time I was offered bariatric surgery and said no. I know that for a lot of people it has worked, which is wonderful, but it is not for me. I do love food, and could not imagine having that taken away from me. I really wanted to have my cake and eat it.

I can't write this without mentioning slimming clubs. I have been to them all. Some that are still around, and some that no longer run. Now, I don't want to upset the many men and women who have lost weight through a club and are very happy. That is absolutly great. The group support and incentives to lose weight as you go every week works for many and that can only be good, but for many like me it just doesn't stay off. I will talk about this, along with my feelings, in a future blog.

For me, I just didn't feel comfortable in a slimming club. The format of the club was not for me, and it often made me personally feel worse, not better. But as I say, that's just how I feel and I had to find a better way for me.

I have tried a lot, read about, and seen shelves full of ideas and products that profess to make weight loss easier, but it is not an easy thing to achieve and keeping it off is even harder. It's not just as simple as eating less of the things you love, because it's so easy to eat more of those things that you love. The eating of the sugary, fatty things does make putting the weight on so easy. Because of this I'm not sure if any of these products can really change the way people think.

I think all of us would love for losing weight to be quick and easy but I want to do it the proper way and hopefully for good, so it isn't that easy.

What goes in has to balance what comes out or, put another way, when losing weight what you eat must be as healthy as you can whilst having less calories than you would burn off by exercise and everyday living.

I continue on my journey using my previous experiences and learning new things along the way to give myself a better, healthier, life.

Sadly, in my experience, there is no magic way to lose and keep off weight or to grow taller like Alice, for my weight at the moment would be perfect if I was ten feet tall :-)

So I will carry on what I am doing and one day I WILL get to be where I what to be.

Jackie

xx

RAMBLINGS OF A LOCKDOWN WEIGHT LOSS BLOGGER

24^th May, 2020

It would be lovely to say that the lockdown is getting easier, but I'm not sure that it is.

In the beginning there were challenges, but for me personally I have, for the most part, been able to adjust.

It was novel at times sitting out in my front garden, talking to people as they went by and it did make my day easier, as did the small walks out for exercise and to meet Steve from work.

Last year when I didn't want to go out, I could stay at home and take the pressure off myself, but now I want to be able to go out to our village tea room, or out for a meal with Steve and we can't.

There is also the fact that everyone seems to have their own interpretations of what we can or cannot do, and sometimes I find it difficult to deal with.

Such as when you have to walk out into a busy road because someone is blocking the pavement whilst talking to their friend and doesn't see you coming even though you are using a wheeled walker.

Still, we can only be responsible for ourselves and not other people. We have to try to do the best we can to keep ourselves safe and well, both for ourselves and for the ones who love us.

I am continually looking at what I do every day and adjust how I do things.

This week I have not been feeling so well, so it has been harder. Not from Covid-19, but from a condition I have called Meniere's Disease. I have had this now for about fourteen years, and the symptoms come and go so I am never really sure how it is going to affect me on a day to day basis. I have almost lost all the hearing in my right ear, my balance is not always great, I suffer with very loud tinatus in my ears and I get vertigo attacks of differing strengths and brain fog.

There is no cure for Meniere's Disease, only medication to relieve the symptoms that does work for some, and a treatment where you can have a steroid injection into your eardrum.

I had this steroid treatment done at the beginning of March and I think it is now starting to wear off and this is what is causing the symptoms I have had this week after having some relief over the last 2½ to 3 months. Because there is no cure you can only try to live with it. It can change your life as a lot of things can, but the way I try to look at it is you have a choice to make the best of what you have and adapt. A little like that old saying “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade”.

Now that's not always easy, especially if you don't have the recipe, and all our tastes are different, but if the quality of your life is going to be the best you can make it with what you have, then you have to work it out.

I know that with myself I have to constantly remind myself what my aims are and work at them on a daily basis. As my son said to me recently, it's not a sprint, it's a marathon. I have never run a marathon. I wish I could but that particular thing will never happen for me now, although I have heard about what happens from people who have done it.

You start off full of enthusiasm, then you get to the stage where you hit the wall and it becomes more of a struggle, and then you see the finishing line and you know you are there. This is a very simplistic version of the process, but that is how I see the rough idea.

In my situation I am continually having to look for ways to break through the “wall” of weight loss. I started because I knew what I had to do. I know where the finish line is, but it's the journey I have to constantly look at. It's not easy at the best of times, without life's changes getting in the way.

I was going to write my blog on a different subject today but felt that as this was on my mind, I should write about this instead.

Still, on the plus side, I have some ideas jotted down for next time – which is always a positive!

Until next time, take care and I'll keep on making lemonade.

Jackie

xx

DANCE, SING, LAUGH, WHATEVER IT TAKES BUT DON'T EAT!

17^th May 2020

There seem to be so many negatives around at the moment and that means a constant fight to be positive.

I have found it quite a hard week and my mind is a little cloudy about my weight loss journey.

I know inside that I have to do it and what the reasons are, but that doesn't automatically make it easier.

The reasons to do things do not always feel stronger than the reasons not to do them.

I decided to look back at my previous blog posts since I started writing it back in 2014. It seems such a long time ago now but even though they still ring true as to how I felt then, I can see in some ways how much my thinking has changed.

The blog title came from the fact I had over a 100 pounds to lose and at the time I didn't know if I could do it. I felt like a racehorse that didn't stand a chance in a race and had odds of 100 to 1, hence the title 100fromone.

I did go on to lose those one hundred pounds, plus a bit more, but as we know for many reasons they went back on.

I am not the only one that this has happened to, by far, but this didn't stop me from feeling a failure.

Coming to terms with this when I looked at weight loss again a year ago was something I had to address big time.

It had to be done for health reasons. I was at rock bottom and in pain and could not carry on the way I was.

What I did know was that I seriously had to also look at the reasons I always put the weight back on and think about having to change them.

I know as I am getting older (I am 62 this year), I really cannot afford to have my weight reach the level it does.

When I have lost weight before, I have done it very rapidly. For me this was great, seeing results very quickly and getting praise from family, friends and even strangers that had noticed. It was lovely, but deep down inside I was not really happy. There were still so many insecurities in my head. I hated seeing all the loose skin which made me feel ugly and I never really adjusted to being thin. I still used food as a crutch and when the problems of life occurred, as they do, used food to make me feel happy or used food as a treat.

So back last year I did a lot of thinking. Thinking about how important it was to help myself feel better and also how I could do it differently. I wasn't, and am not, an expert, but I read a lot, looked at other people's stories and started very slowly to put some kind of plan loosely together What had I to lose, but weight? :-)

Back last year I started again, weighing 20 stone plus, far too much for my health issues and for getting the surgery I really did need, even though I had convinced myself I didn't. It was all too much hard work.

So here I was, starting to look at this.

Trying to be positive was a start, looking at what I could do, not at what I couldn't.

Now the title of this post mentions dancing, singing, laughing and eating.

These are four things I love to do. I am always singing, but as my children would tell you, I don't do it very well but that's never stopped me.

Dancing is one of my all time loves and you would always see me on the dance floor when I got the chance, but because of the arthritus and back pain it's not easy now, as is the same with exercise.

Laughing is something I can do, but I must admit it's not always easy at times when you are feeling down.

Now food, and good food, is my passion. I love cooking and have over 100 cookery books, it's always been my interest as I have said before. Good food and food from all over the world.

Now when I started to lose weight before, I stopped looking at my cookery books, stopped watching TV programs about food and stopped thinking about the food I enjoyed. I didn't learn to live with it. I knew this time that things had to be different.

I had to try and live with the things I loved to do and make them fit some way into my life if I was going to even think about succeeding – even the singing :-)

My weight loss this time has been very slow. A year later I am just below 17 stone but I will plod along, getting there and learning all the time.

I hope to share with you some of my experiances and some of the things I have learnt. Hopefully this time I will get there and stay there.

It is, as I often say, a work in progress.

Until next time,

Jackie

xx

UNCERTAINTY, AM I CERTAIN, I'M UNCERTAIN, I'M NOT CERTAIN, BUT I MAY HAVE A PLAN - I THINK!

Tuesday 12th May, 2020

When I first started to think about writing my blog again back in March, the idea was to help me continue with my weight loss journey, and also to give me the opportunity to talk about the issues that I am so passionate about. These are such things as food, the food industry, fashion and style, the slimming industry and other subjects related to weight loss and image. That was the idea, but as we all know things don't always go to plan, hence this blog being about uncertainty and the anxiety it can cause. Usually when we have experienced these times in the past they have been personal to us, or to us and our families, but there's nearly always someone on the outside of the situation that can offer help and support.

With these current times that we are all living in, we are all in it together. Now this has created a lot of lovely deeds coming to light, but we are all living with this uncertainty at some level. Trying to be strong for others, while still trying to be strong ourselves. When I was watching the Prime Minister's speech on Sunday trying, with many, to understand what was being said, and not really understanding anything at all, I could almost feel the emotion that many of us must have been feeling with words and plans being there, but not being there and the confusion it caused and the uncertainty it fueled.

It caused me to write down the things that go through my mind that can cause me to go off-kilter and chip away at my resolve.

1. Disappointment that things planned may not go ahead or may change.
2. Trying to be strong when loved ones around me need me, and knowing I tend to forget myself.
3. The feeling of wanting to give up even though I have done so well so far. Is it easier to give up than to carry on?
4. Knowing now that the problems of life never go away, even when you shrink down from a size 26 to a size 12.
5. Just not knowing what life is going to throw at me next.
6. The uncertainty of the current situation and not knowing what is happening, especially when it's not clear, can just throw everything up in the air.

I then think that even if we did know everything that was going to happen, would we be able to cope? Could we cope with the pressure and emotion of some situations if we knew what would happen in advance, I am not sure.
What I have learnt is that if we do give in, it does not make life better in the long run. Having a plan in your head can help with the uncertainty. If you feel you have some control it can help. That plan may take a long time to come together, but at least it can focus the mind on a positive route. I have found if I know the reasons why I have done/do the things I do, it helps me to have some kind of resolve. I do my best to cope with whatever situation is there and that is all I can do. Not always easy, but I do do my best. I look to a point in the future and move towards it, no matter how slowly. This I find clears my mind and helps me to see what I need to do.
We are all human and we must never forget that.
History has shown that we have adapted and dealt with adversity, privately and publicly. This current situation with Covid-19 will get better. It may not go completely away but life will adapt, WE will adapt. I have to believe this to be able to move ahead with my personal battle with my weight loss and perhaps have a new hip by the end of the year.
My daughter said to me a while ago I may be one of the few people that comes out of this smaller than larger :-) We will see.
I don't know yet what I will write about in my next blog, but I will do my best to make it positive.
Jackie
xx

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

Sunday 10^th May, 2020

This blog was written on Friday, but it now seems very apt as it goes to print on Sunday as we have just learnt what will happen to our lives in the next few months – or haven't, depending on how you look at it.

I have so many feelings going through my head at the moment, but I will write more about them in my next blog.

I have been thinking about fear quite a lot recently, especially with the current situation.

There are a lot of people out there that are afraid of living this new life that has been imposed upon us. Some are frightened of what may happen. Will we be able to get the supplies we need, food, toilet rolls, etc. What will happen as the lockdown is relaxed, will we get the virus? Will our families get it? Will we lose loved ones? What will happen if the virus comes back?

All these things cause fear and anxiety in a situation that is new to us all, but most of us have had to cope with many different fears and anxieties during our life. Some serious, some not so serious. Some we could cope with and some not so easy to overcome.

Fear is a natural reaction caused by threat or danger, pain or harm. But it can also be learnt, situations can occur that continue to make us frightened. Bad experiences that continue to affect us as we continue with our life.

These fears can inhibit our life and cause great anxiety when they raise their head, be it a fear of heights, flying, spiders – there are many and the list is long. When they become so strong it may inspire us to try and do something about them, but that is not easy.

Hearing people's fears on TV and social media made me think about the fears that I have and have had and how I have started to learn how to cope with them. I came up with six that have had an impact on my life and some on my mental health.

Here are the six I have identified that needed to be addressed to help me move forward with my life.

1. FEAR OF FACING LIFE, PRESENT AND FUTURE.
   This is a fear of not knowing what will happen. It is the unknown, but how can I be afraid of something that hasn't and may not happen? Really all I can do is look at each situation and prepare for whatever occurs. Not easy, I know, but at least with plan A, B, C and possibly D I may be able to act and conquer the fear.
2. FEAR OF FAILING
   I am a perfectionist, and hate to get things wrong, even though it may not even be wrong. All I can try to do is do my best. If I truly know that I have done my best, that's all I can do.
3. FEAR OF BEING JUDGED
   This is a great fear for me. Having been judged for years in the past and being told something was bad, wrong, ugly, dirty, or just not good enough, it has created a fear of what people think. It shouldn't matter what people think and if they love me they will accept me for who I am, warts and all.
4. FEAR OF UPSETTING OTHERS
   I hate to upset anyone and am terrified of hurting them. This fear, however, can stop me putting things right and sorting situations out and then because of this the situation will keep raising it's ugly head, with no solution. I stayed in an abusive and unhappy marriage for 22 years because of this. Facing that fear was one of the best and bravest things I have done, but I still felt bad for hurting the man I loved and feared I would hurt a lot more people, even though it was the best thing for me and the children.
5. FEAR OF TAKING SUPPORT WHEN IT IS OFFERED
   This is a strange one. I am only just beginning to realise this fear. Because there were so many times in my past when I have had no one to help me with really bad situations I had to learn to deal with them myself. Because of this, and being let down in the past I have a fear of trusting people and any help or support they offer in case I get hurt again.
6. A FEAR OF GETTING WEIGHED
   This fear comes from my fear of not losing weight and the fear of being told off, shouted at or being punished in the past, and, of course, my fear of failure. Since January last year I have only got weighed at the Doctors twice in six months, and then every four weeks once I started seeing the dietician. Of course then came the Lockdown and we had to buy a set of scales. Now I get weighed every two weeks at home, and once it's done the scales are put away out of sight. When I weigh myself and I have lost weight I feel great, but the fear of not losing is still there.

So these, and naturally the current situation, are my fears. The things that bother me raise their heads in the middle of the night, and could, if I let them, have a big impact on my life.

I am, at the moment looking at ways of addressing these fears and trying different things to see what is best for me, to become stronger and able to deal with whatever happens. We will see over time what happens, as I always say it's a work in progress.

You may wonder why I chose the title I did this time. Well, I discovered that “Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia” is the fear of long words! :-) I have always tried to use simple language when I write and am not one for using big or complicated words. I don't always feel there is a need. So I know that is one fear I don't have, or at least I don't think I have! :-)

See you next time,

Jackie

xx

OLD HABITS DIE HARD

2nd May 2020

They say old habits die hard and from my experience they certainly do.

The weight problem I have had with me all my life was born out of habits I formed from a very early age and a lot are still deep within me.

When you decide to lose weight, you may think it's just a case of eating less and exercising more, and technically it is.

However, the habits that you have acquired can hinder that process greatly and the result. This last year I have actively tried to look at these habits and change, not always sucessfully. It is definitely a work in progress.

What I did know at the start of this new attempt is that what I had done before had not worked.

Well, it had as far as losing the weight was concerned, but I was not really aware of what I needed to change to keep it off. I am not alone there I think, as many other people lose weight only to put it on again. For whatever reasons the habits that enabled the weight to be there, seemed to help it come back on again.

We are all different and individual, and the habits we have may be similar or different to the next person who also has a weight problem. Large or small the weight problem is real to us and chances are we have acquired our habits for whatever reason things happen in our lifes. I knew I had to consciously think about my habits and try to address them if I was to stand a chance this time.

Here are some of the habits I have identified and tried to change. As I said, a work in progress. But here we go.

I must say at this point I started writing this blog on Monday and it is now Saturday. It is so hard at the moment to keep motivated to do the everyday things and as much as I enjoy doing it, it has been difficult to sit down and write. I promised myself if I start something I WILL finish it, so here I am again :-)

While I have not been writing I have been thinking, and here the six habits I have identified that have had an impact on my weight loss journey and need to be worked on,..

1. PUTTING MYSELF UNDER PRESSURE
   I am an all or nothing type of person and in the past I have cut back on my calorie intake big time to lose weight because I thought that is what you did. It worked, but as we now know, not in the long term. What I have also done is buy clothes three sizes too small in the hope of getting there, and I may do, but the pressure that that causes can be immense and leaves me open to failure.
2. PUNISHING MYSELF FOR NOT ACHIEVING WHAT I THOUGHT I SHOULD
   In the past I would really feel bad if I didn't lose a lot of weight each week. This time I have only lost about a pound a week and in the beginning that made me feel really frustrated. I have had to come to terms with the fact that that is the way it is, and live with it, but it is really hard. I am consciously trying to eat three healthy meals a day. Because of the constant pain I am in I can't exercise much so the weight is going down very slowly and I really have to accept that this is better in the long run for me and not punish myself mentally for this.
3. THINKING ABOUT WHAT I WOULD LOOK LIKE WHEN I LOST WEIGHT, NOT WHAT I LOOK LIKE NOW.

I used to think it was not worth looking after my appearance until I had reached my goal. I got to the stage this last year where I hated looking in the mirror and had no full length mirror in the house. What I am beginning to realise is that if I don't look after myself as an ongoing thing I will not keep up my motivation to achieve what I need to do.

4. EATING FOODS AS A TREAT
   Now, there is nothing wrong with having a treat now and again, but as I have said before I have an all or nothing nature. What I have to look at is being aware of what I am eating, the reason I am eating it and the quantity of the “treat” I am eating or drinking. Just have a small treat now and again and get back on track.
5. THINKING I WAS A LESSER PERSON AND A FAILURE
   My self esteem has never been great, if I am honest and even when I have felt good about something I had done there was always a little voice inside me telling me a different story. The habit was formed that when I felt that I had failed I would give up and self-destruct rather than forgive myself, pick myself up and carry on. This leads on to...
6. THINKING LOOKING AFTER MYSELF WAS NOT IMPORTANT
   I like to think I am a caring person. I am a mother, grandmother (nan nan) and wife and I have and always will give all that I have to support my family.
   Family is important to me, but what I have forgotten is how to look after myself.
   What I have realised in the past year especially is how you can't “pour from an empty glass”. I would never give up on my family, but I had given up on myself. My weight problem has helped to cause other problems; my health has suffered and I now need to address this to improve my situation before it's too late.
   I am due to go back to see my orthopedic specialist in August and we have agreed that I should reach a certain weight to be able to be considered for a hip replacement, followed by a knee replacement on both knees.
   I am really trying not to put myself under pressure to do this and to just do my best, but it is hard.
   So there you are. Some of the habits I have identified that I have, and I have now started to go through what I can do to change them. As I said, it's still a work in progress and I'm sure that this progress will appear somewhere in future blogs.
   For those of you that read my blog, take care of yourselves and I'll see you all next time.
   Jackie x x