TODAY'S THOUGHT - DO SOMETHING WHEN YOU CAN

 27^th April, 2022

How many times do we really think – really, really think – about how things are? We can think about the automatic things in life, like eating when we feel hungry or drinking if we feel thirsty. These are feelings that we act on. How often do we forget to do these things if we are busy and don't get that “feeling”? Then that depends more on a feeling than a thought. A feeling that can be put off, depending on circumstances. We can worry, but worry is also something that can be automatic. Something is going to happen, or may happen, and so we worry. That too really is a feeling. It's a feeling about something that has not happened yet. We may have control over the situation and can do something, or we may not have that control and can do nothing. It is hard not to worry. There's something that can happen, but try, if you can, to think about it like this. If we have no control, then there is no point in worrying and the pain it will bring. On the other hand, if we can do something, then we should.

Having said that, quite often worrying is easy because is comes automatically. To do something if we can may be a much harder option. I know it may seem an unkind way to look at this, and an easier said than done scenario.

Most of my life I have been a worrier. It was just part of my nature. Having said that, most of my life, for good or for bad, I had someone to think for me. Sadly, it was being controlled by someone else and not having the chance or opportunity to think about what I really wanted to do. The time eventually came when I had to start thinking for myself in order to survive and to change the terrible situation I was in, but it wasn't easy.

I had to learn to make my own decisions. This wasn't easy as not only did I have myself to look after, but also my two children. I have often thought did I make the right choice, but I could only do what I thought was the best at the time, and base my decisions on the limited experiances that I had had.

There is no point now worrying over the past, as it can't be changed, and if you are worrying then look at it this way. You have survived. Right or wrong we are still here and that is a blessing. Another positive we can take from this is that you have started, not through choice I know, to learn to think for yourself, and to be able to cope with the task in hand. If you made mistakes, well, they were made, and the best thing you can do is learn from them. As for me, I know that sometimes it is much easier to worry about my weight and possible weight gain than to actually do something about it. It's the difference between irrational thoughts going through your head and physically getting out there and doing something. Doing something takes more energy than thinking about something, but it does need to be done.

At the moment the anaemia I have is making things a lot harder for me, but I know I can't be held down by it. The iron levels in my blood are very low, which makes thinking and moving much more difficult than usual, but I am still the fighter I had to become and I refuse to let it take over my life. I learnt many years ago that I should not worry. If there was something I could do, no matter how small, I should do it. If you can't take fifty steps a day, then take twenty-five, or ten, or even two. You will still get there. Making that effort and knowing you are doing your best to enhance your life, is so much better for your peace of mind. Yes, you can make mistakes, but at least try your best, so that when you look back on the situation you will know that you did do your best. And your best is always better than nothing.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx

BELIEVE LIFE CAN BE BETTER ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE STORM

 

10^th April, 2022

I remember seeing the film “The Mist”, based on the story by Stephen King. I think the end is epic. Not wanting to give spoilers, but all can seem so desperate, but if only we knew a bit more it could be so much better!

One way or another these past few weeks have been very busy. Since January we have been very fortunate to be able to go out on day visits to places that we haven't been to for a long time, or even not at all. I think that I have mentioned before that a chap called John arranged coach trips that picked up from our village, and some of those around us, and it has been wonderful. We don't drive, and I wouldn't be allowed to now with my health conditions, so it's lovely to be picked up almost right outside our door. We have been to York twice now, and to Knaresborough and Harrogate, Goatheland and Whitby and Liverpool.

After the last two years it is really great to be able to get out to all these different places. We did the touristy bit, but also got to see so many other charity shops (have I mentioned in the past I love charity shops?😂) and buy some really exciting new items. It's no secret that the affluence of an area really does affect the quality of items you can find in a charity shop and it's still possible to pick up a bargain and save a lot of money.

It is so easy when what you do and where you go is limited to get stuck in a rut. There is nothing wrong with an ordinary life, but now and then it's great to get out there and do something different. We get so wrapped up in what needs to be done that we can get swallowed up. On a talk that I listened to recently, they talked about the chicken in the middle of the storm. When it is there, it can only see all the same things circling around and around and begins to think that is all there is. It's only once the chicken is thrown to the outside of the storm, it can really see the whole picture.

While you're in the storm even if you do not want to be there, you accept what life gives us because we don't know any better, or we feel to do anything different would be too difficult. It's so easy to be wrapped in the storm and accept our “lot”.

I am beginning to realise that if you want change you can begin to achieve it. There is always a way to think outside the box if we are open to new ideas and we are brave enough to accept them and make them work. Whether it's going to see different places, finding and trying new styles and colours to wear in an inexpensive way, or discovering you don't have to be afraid of food, you can find a way to improve your life.

The mind is a strange organ that likes to give you thoughts that keep you in certain places. Change is possible, I am learning that you can diffuse the thoughts the mind gives you and find joy and peace within the daily grind.

My weight loss journey is at, I think, an interesting point at the moment. It doesn't always mean because you have lost weight you are healthy, mentally or physically. It is so easy to become obsessed with what you feel you need to do and it can can take over your life. This, as I have said, is okay if you can carry on this way for the rest of your life, but if you can't it will be short lived. Hence, yo-yo diets. Finding a balanced way whilst including the different and exciting new ways of living can be nerve wracking. Trying to live a life without obsession and not living in a rut can be scary, but I think it can be done. Even if it means putting on a little weight while you are adjusting, it doesn't matter. If it eventually leads to a more balanced way of living it will be worth it in the end.

It's not about being as small as you can, it's about being as healthy – in mind as well as body – as you can. Not being afraid of giving new ideas a go is a good thing, and who knows where it might lead to. Don't be afraid of trying new things because you feel you can't. It's so easy to think “I can't do it, it's going to spoil what I already have, it's going to take up too much energy, it's going to cost too much!”

There is always a way, it is just a matter of finding it and not being scared to give it a go. Whenever you think about your time in the storm, you wonder how you ever lived like that and you will do your very best not to go completely back inside and enjoy your time in the sun.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx

BEAUTY IS NOT ALWAYS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

 

25^th March 2022

I told someone a couple of days ago that I was scared on having my photo taken. I don't know if scared is quite the right word these days. I used to be scared when someone in my earlier life used to force me to have my photo taken and then, when said photos arrived (you had to wait back in those days 😊), would tell me how ugly I looked and how fat I was and that no one would ever love me. How wrong they were but at the time I knew no better than to listen to them and believe what they said. Now, logic would say why were they with me? In fact, stay with me for nearly twenty-eight years. In those days logic never really came into it. I believed what I was told. I have said before that my mother who was only seventeen years older than me was beautiful. Someone once said she looked like a young Sophia Loren and she knew it but I never thought of myself in that way. I was never told I was beautiful, it didn't seem to be thing that someone said, “Jackie your beautiful”. So when someone said I was ugly I believed them. Sad really, as this still affects me all these years later, even though my husband tells me this every day. I am beautiful and he loves me.

Negativity always seems to outweigh positivity. What someone said to hurt you still seems to affect you more than what someone says that loves you. The mind is indeed a strange thing. I have worked on my insecurities over the years and am so much better now than I used to be. We should all feel that we are beautiful and do all we can to boost our confidence. I still find it very hard to have my photo taken, but I am working on it and may have a few plans long term to help put that right. We shall see.

The days now are getting longer, and that strange round glow in the blue sky seems to be there a lot more than it was. It's getting a bit warmer. I am so pleased about that because I hate having to wear a coat. I love the freedom that summer brings, when you don't have to be bundled up in your “big coat” to use a good old-fashioned Yorkshire saying.

I so look forward to Summer dresses and skirts with tops and all those bright shiny colours you can wear. I can't wait!

My weight loss journey is still ticking over. I am beginning to settle into my new routine and it seems to be working. Keeping to a tight eating plan Monday to Friday and relaxing the eating more at the weekend. Having said that, we went to Liverpool for the day a couple of weekends ago and we were doing so much we didn't have time, or really wanted to eat. We did have a couple of freshly cooked doughnuts, but the rest of the day we were not bothered at all. We did joke that the doughnuts must be the new appetite suppressants and we should live on them, but nutritionally that would never work 😊Even though I had eaten them that day my calories were still within my allowance, and I made sure I had all my nutrients for the rest of the weekend.

The plan now is about losing this fear of eating the things I believe I shouldn't and knowing how to balance my eating. Not being too rigid and allowing myself to make mistakes and learn from them. We are never too old to learn from our mistakes.We should also be aware that other peoples mistakes are theirs and we shouldn't let them affect us. We are a person in our own right, beautiful and unique. We should do the best we can to get the most from this precious life we have be given while we are still able.

All for now,

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

xxx

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE?

 

17^th March, 2022

Among the many rainy days we have had recently there have been one or two days with blue skies and sunshine. This helps to keep me positive that Spring is on the way. I have said before about how a blue sky and sunshine can help us feel so much better. There are so many things that can cheer us up when we are not feeling our best and it is just a case of finding what those things are. Like meeting up with like-minded people, doing something useful, finding a way to do those things we don't like to do and making things easier, reading, writing, making something – there are so many different things that, one way or another, can help us to cope just that little bit easier.

Things can seem so hard sometimes and it may take some time to find the right ways of coping, but we should never give up if things don't work out right the first time, or the second, or even the third. If we keep going we will get there. I came across a quote today from Audrey Hepburn, which says “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says I'm possible.”

Now, I know that some things are impossible, however there are so many things that are possible if we can just find the way. There are so many times in my life that I thought that certain things would never change. There was no support, I couldn't do it, but I never gave up and life did eventually change for the better. Now, there were some things I would have loved to have done but for one reason or another they were not going to happen in my life, that's the way it sometimes happens. I do believe everything happens for a reason although we may not always see that reason at the time. I also believe the signs to change aspects of your life can also present themselves to you at various times. You might see something on social media, or read something in a magazine. Maybe you'll have a chat with a complete stranger and all of a sudden you see something new. A possibility to try a new thing. The signs are there for you to read if you are open enough to see them. So many things can happen in life that can turn things on their head in an instant. Maybe not always for the better, but quite often, if there is a need and you are open-minded you will see where you need to be.

With my weight loss journey, I have reached the hardest point I have ever been at, learning how to maintain weight. As I said in my previous blog, losing weight is hard, but keeping it off is, in my opinion, harder still. I spoke to my health and well being coach about this. I would like to lose the small amount of weight I have put on since my operation, however at the moment the emphasis is on stopping my weight going up even more. It's all in the mind. The mind is one of the most powerful parts of the human body. It works us and it has a way of doing it's own thing. Mine tells me I lost weight for operation and my son's wedding, so that's it now! I have a constant battle at the moment to make it think any other way, but I will succeed. It may take a bit of time, but I will learn how to make my mind do what I want it to do so I can achieve the impossible for me and find balance. I have never in 45 years of weight management been able to find balance, but I am adamant that I will. I have been very lucky to have been referred to a N.H.S. health and well being coach and I am not going to waste this opportunity. He suggested having an on/off approach to weight loss and it is at the moment the best way for me. He suggested I have so many weeks on plan and then so many weeks off plan. That is what he does, but I don't think that would work for me. I would find it hard to get back on plan after a big gap of eating more. What we decided might work better for me at the moment is on plan Monday to Friday and then relax my eating at the weekend. That might sound simple, but for me it isn't. I am an all or nothing sort of person but I can change. I know I can. Not being afraid of the wrong movement of a scale needle can be achieved. I know just how great I will feel if I can not only lose weight, but maintain it as well.

It's been impossible in the past, but hopefully it's possible with a little more mind training. We will see.

When a mind that seems to be lost in a fog finds a path out, how bright and beautiful are the colours on the other side. Just like nature coming out of the sleep of Winter into the bright and early dawn of Spring. We all want the best life we can lead and to find those ways of making it better can be so uplifting.

I will carry on thinking even though it seems impossible, I'm possible, and see where it gets me in the next couple of months.

I have quite a few things happening at the moment, that will take all the possible I can get, so here we go. Let's see where I end up.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx

BALANCE - WITHOUT IT WE FALL, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER

 11^th March 2022

I was asked the other day what words would I have on my gravestone. I do get asked some strange questions, but there was a reason for this one. When you are looking at your personal values ie what is most important to you,it is a way of working out what is most important in a few words. I am one for taking on the cares of the world. Being quite an empathic person has made me like this. I have a very high standard of justice and it has got me into trouble quite a few times in the past, but I can't help the way that I feel. It is sometimes so painful to be so sensitive to situations and what is happening around you. A lot of people also tend, like me, to put others first and it is not easy when you are set the task “What do you want?” to come up with an answer. I have, in the past few years, tried so hard to find a balance between the needs of others and my own but it can be so difficult.

There is also the issue that sometimes, when you have been there for someone 100% of the time, that they don't understand when you “change”, when you want to do more for yourself. I realised back in the days with my first husband that life is too short. I decided then that  so much as it is in my power on my dying day I want to be able to look back and have no regrets.

Not as easy as it sounds. I still find it hard to strike the right balance. When I was given the task of writing my own epitaph, I googled it and this is what it says.

Typically the goal of the epitaph is to leave some words of wisdom, share the most important values of the deceased, or summarise the person's life.

How many people think of, or get the chance to, write their own epitaph?. Would we want to, at the chance of sounding arrogant ? . It is usually left to someone else, would they get it right about you do you think?

I will have to have a long hard think about what I would write before I let the person who asked me know. :-)

Finding balance is never an easy task, is it? Whether it's work/leisure balance, money balance, relationship balance, or food intake balance, it can be so difficult to keep those scales on a flat line, like those old fashioned scales with weights on one side and a container on the other. 🙂 Whatever the balance needs to be, it is better for our wellbeing that one side does not outweigh the other. Being out of balance can cause so many problems. Ask me, who has Meniere's disease!🙂But seriously life and health really needs to have some kind of balance.

With my weight loss journey, at the moment I am still trying so hard to find that right balance. I am still very anaemic, so I have to be able to eat a healthy diet that gives me plenty of iron, while still being able to treat myself when I want to eat something “less” healthy. All this while on a restricted calorie intake, because I can't exercise in the traditional way.

It is hard, but I am getting there. I'm teaching myself at the moment to try to maintain my weight rather than losing it. Maintaining weight is something I have never been able to do for any good length of time. In the last forty-five years of weight fluctuation I have found weight loss hard but keeping it off even harder. Some people say that you can't keep weight off but I will try to master it, to break the cycle and find my balance 🙂

One thing I know will NOT be in my epitaph is weight loss. There is far, far, more to life than just that! I will not be defined by one thing alone when there is so much more to me and who I am.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx

TEACHING GRANDMA TO SUCK EGGS :-)

 4^th March 2022

I love fashion. I always have. I wasn't always able to wear fashionable things though. Firstly when I was young because of my size, and later on because my first husband controlled what I wore. I have two memories from those time which will always stand out for me. When I was young how happy I was when I found something to wear which trendy. My mother once made for me a pair of Bay City Rollers trousers which were checked and baggy and I felt a million dollars when I wore them. The other memory was my first husband getting clothes for me which I liked but they were always two or three sizes too small for me. He used to say I would have to lose weight to fit into them. I was stuck with the old, basic clothes that I had. That made me feel so sad but at the time it was just the way it was, and I could see no way out.

What you can see from this though, is the feelings that clothes can create. To be able to wear something you want to wear, and look good, can do so much for your confidence, wellbeing and mental health.

There is someone that Steve and I know that loves Batman, and the joy in his face recently when he showed us his new Batman t-shirt just radiated out to us and for that moment we could share in his happiness.

As I have said in the past, I love to shop in charity shops and it would be true to say that the majority of my clothes come from there. It's not for everyone, I know. You can't just go in and buy a mass item off the rail, nut for me it's the joy of the hunt. You never know just what you are going to find. Obviously underwear is always bought new, and that's a whole new story as you lose weight, but everything else except sometimes shoes is bought second-hand. There are many new names for it now. Vintage, pre-loved, retro, etc., but it's all technically the same. I have bought some lovely things at vintage fairs, such as a beautiful denim jacket from America, but the majority, as I said, are charity shop finds.

What makes me smile is that anything pre-2000 is now classed as vintage, which is rather scary for those of us who are that bit older. I was born in the late 1950s and have seen many fashion trends come and go. I used to love spending time in London and in particular, many years ago, Carnaby Street, where I would watch what people were wearing. I still love to people watch :-).

Now here is what I sort of see as a problem. I read a lot about trends in fashion and watch YouTube a lot and a thought struck me. When you see younger people dressing vintage or in the style of the 60s, 70s, 80s or 90s it's seen as trendy. My concern was that when someone of my age dresses that way it could be seen completely differently. As though you were stuck in a time warp, or just plain old fashioned or even, dare I say it, dowdy!

Now that is just the way I think but it is definitely different for someone who is older. However I now think that when you are young you can follow fashion and all look the same if you want too. You can choose to dress in a certain era and look fantastic that way. We should be able to wear whatever we want. I spent many years not being able to, but – and it is a big but – as you grow older you have seen so many pages of trends and fashions over the years and you have a wealth of experience to glean from. How lucky we are! Now is the time to experiment to find your own style and have the confidence to be just who you want to be.

Shopping in charity shops are my way of doing this in a far less expensive way . The few things that don't work out can be donated back to raise further money for charity, but what fun I have trying and many times I find myself a whole new outfit few just a few pounds. The thrill of the hunt, finding something different and learning all about the image you want to give to the world is, to me, not only fun but such good therapy. You just never know what is out there. :-)

I will continue to look.

The hunt goes on!

Until next time,

Love, Jackie.

xx

REINVENTING THE WHEEL

 

26^th February, 2022

It isn't often when I sit down to write my blog that I know what the title is going to be. I have thoughts in my head that I want to get down on paper and the title comes at some point thereafter, but this time it was there first. It just seemed to be the right one for this blog. Someone asked me a few nights ago what my blog was about and I struggled to answer. Isn't it strange how you do something and really enjoy it, to you it seems so simple but then when you are asked about it you struggle. Is it because you feel someone else would think it silly and not worthy, or just that you don't want to feel a fool for doing something you are not good at? There is always the chance that someone may think that, but if they do it doesn't really matter. We should be proud of whatever we do, but confidence is not always as high as it should be. I have tried so hard since I had to leave work, nearly four years ago now, to make the best of every day life. Not always easy when we lost two years of that during Covid lockdowns, plus the time I lost because of illness, but I never stop trying! :-) I have made a few mistakes along the way, but it's all a learning process, and we are never too old to learn. There are, and will be, so many times in your life you may find you need to reinvent yourself. No one knows what may happen next and things in life can change so, so quickly.

Nothing stays the same forever and it is much better to move along with our situation the best way we can. Since the New Year I have tried out a number of new things. Clubs and groups etc., some with my husband Steve and some by myself. Some haven't worked out, which is fine but the main thing is knowing that they are not for me and moving on.

I think it's all about being with like minded people, but it takes time to find this out and not being afraid to say “This isn't for me”. Thankfully though some of the groups and clubs are working out well for me at the moment which is great and I am able to expand what I do both by myself and as a couple with Steve.

The weight management is also coming together well after an iffy three months. As part of my referral for my other joint operations I have been sent to see a health and wellbeing coach. I thought at first it was going to be weight management and wasn't sure how I would feel, but it's not that at all.

It is more about what we eat and the best way for it to be more balanced. The chap I saw was surprised about how much I already knew, but it is good to be able to be able to chat with someone and perhaps learn new ideas and research. I look forward to attending these appointments and getting new support after doing it so long on my own. Even though I lost 100 lbs by myself, extra support when you are wondering what to do next always helps. So this is where the wheels of Jackie living the best life she can starts to be incorporated into my writing. To document all I do has always been important for my wellbeing, and it will continue to be that way.

I wrote once about a phoenix rising from the ashes. I wonder how many times that happens? I don't know, but here we are.

Moving forward my blog will be partly weight loss, and partly life as I see it. I think that this will be a good balance. I don't want to change the title of my blog, it has been with me eight years now but I know I sometimes need to add more content. There is so much more to life than just weight loss. It has been, if you'll excuse the pun, a large part of my life and always will be, but I want to have more. I am getting greedy, not for food anymore but for life. I want life, my life, to be the best it can be.

I am not sure what will happen over the next few months or years, but I know that most of the time it will be fun finding out.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie.

xx

CONQUERING THROUGH RECOGNITION

 18^th February 2022

I went out last Saturday on a very cold and wet afternoon to hear a talk by Katie Portman entitled “Why Fear Can Be Your Best Friend” at a local book shop.

I had last seen Katie two years ago at the launch of her first book “A Little Pick Me Up”, and it was her that was one of the inspirations for me to start blogging again. It was really strange to be able to go out to hear a talk again and it was so apt that one of my first was by Katie. As I sat there listening to her speak and talk about fear, I began to realise how far I have come in the last two years. I started to write again and reinvent myself just as the Covid lockdown hit us all. I was at the beginning of my last weight loss journey and at the time I knew that a drastic problem (my health and weight issues) needed drastic action. It was like a lots things are, a situation that you find yourself in that needs dealing with, and you don't consciously think about how hard it is going to be. It needs to be done and you do it. How many times in the past have we dealt with problems in our lives like that? Your back is against the wall and you have to think on your feet, but you do it and move on!

Do we ever take the time to think about just what we have done and how hard it really was? I don't think we do. We don't give ourselves credit for what we have done. It needed doing and we did it but we may have been so brave to actually make that decision. In my past it hasn't always been plain sailing. Deciding what to do when it was only me with no one to ask was difficult. I often could not find a way out straight away and when a solution did come it wasn't always in the way that I expected.

I wrote in my poem “The Dog” (I do wonder if I should change the title :-)) how I was too young and, later on, too busy surviving to really know what was happening. I think too that if you did think too much about the task you would be too scared to do it. Sometimes you do have to go for things and trust that you are on the right road. It is only as you get older that you have time to really think a bit about what have you have done in your life and really think to yourself “Did I do that”? So many memories, both good and bad come flooding back. Times when I was really afraid, but life happened and I am still here.

When I saw Katie two years ago I had just about hit rock bottom. Circumstances around that time had left me numb inside. Any energy I had left was given to everyone else as I always do, and I had no feelings left for myself. I didn't want to think about my health, my appearance or anything really but I knew something had to be done, and done it was. Looking back, during Katie's talk last week I realised just how far up the right road I had come and I felt very emotional. This Jackie is still a work in progress, but she definitely is a very different Jackie. It's not always been easy. I do still slip back inside myself at times, but I know now when I am there and know ways to help myself feel better. I want to hold on to the Jackie that is here now. My blog has helped me so much to unravel just how I feel. When it is written down on paper, it's not in my mind anymore. :-)

My weight loss journey continues. I am hoping to have a knee replacement May time this year and referrals have now gone in for a further hip and knee replacement on my other side. Because of my other health issues I know I have to continue to look after myself , and look after myself I will, being as brave as I can be, always keeping fear in perspective.

Lots of love,

Until next time,

Jackie

xx

THE DOG

The dog needs a name,

It needs to be recognised.

It comes to remind me of what I have been through,

What I have survived.

In the past I have been in bad, terrible, stressful situations.

I was too young and in later years too busy just surviving to even know what it was,

That I felt the way I did because it was there,

Constantly chewing away in my head.

Times and things changed, I thought it had gone away,

But it was loyal,

As dogs are,

And would visit constantly to trouble me.

I had failed.

I couldn't keep it away, it would return time and time again.

It wouldn't leave me in peace.

Then one day it happened.

I realised that the dog would always be there,

It would never ever fully go away,

It had a purpose and would always be there!

It was me that had to learn to live with it,

Know that under all that fur when it had been given a good trim,

It wasn't as big as I thought it was.

We could live together.

I was beginning to realise that I could learn how to be the master,

It could do it's job to remind me what I had survived,

That I could be strong,

I was still here!

While accepting who the dog was, I had also started to accept myself,

For who I was,

To believe in who I am,

That I am the one that matters.

The dog does need a name,

It needs to be recognised,

It's name is Depression,

But through that recognition, for me it's powers have and will continue to dwindle.

SIZE, THE NUMBER ON THE LABEL

11^th February, 2020

I looked at Mother-Of-The-Groom outfits for a long length of time as my son and daughter-in law's wedding was put off twice because of Covid. The wedding finally happened last November. It was a fantastic day, a very special time for a very proud mother. For quite a while afterwards the days felt so flat and even Christmas didn't seem the same, although to be fair, for a number of reasons I am not keen on Christmas. Mother-of-the-Groom outfits still pop up on my YouTube and Facebook feeds and I found myself watching one for old time's sake. :-)

What I found interesting was what the lady said about dress sizes. She said that because of design and quality of fabric the dresses came up small and that ladies should order one size up to get the correct fit. She went on to say “don't let that bother you ladies, you are still the size you are, the dress size is just a number on a label”. It is, but it would, and does, bother so many ladies. Ladies wanting to be a size 12 or 14 (in the UK) if the dress label doesn't say that on the dress that fits them then it's the end of the world. They feel they are not the size a perfect woman should be. Is it only women, or do men also feel that way about their clothes? I am not sure, but I have heard it being said so many times “I am not buying that it's a 16!” or “Oh, I need to lose weight now because that dress doesn't fit.”

Do they ever think NO! It's not them, it's how the item has been made, or there isn't any stretch to the fabric. It's almost like it has to be us that is wrong, not the size. I shop for a lot of my clothes in charity shops because you can sometimes find a real bargain, get something really different, and often get really good quality clothes at a really hefty discounted price. What I soon learnt as I went through the racks was look at everything. Size is just a guide. Things are cut differently and to different clothes  patterns. It's how it looks and fits that is the main thing. Cut the label out if it bothers you, but don't miss out because of a number on a label.

I am not sure where the idea of women having to be a certain size comes from. I suspect it would change from country to country, but I also think the fashion industry plays a large part in all of this too. All the models you saw years ago were tiny. It has changed a little in modern times with plus size models and larger clothes sizes but the main focus is still on the smaller models,actresses,and a lot of other women in the public eye. There are far more small sizes on the rails in a clothes store, even though the most common size is said to be a UK size 16. It's also cheaper to make smaller clothes.

When I worked in retail there were four size 12 and 14s to every two size 16/18s. There are quite often more smaller sizes left in the sales. What ever size we are, we really need to happy with who we are. Not because of a number printed on a label, that is just a guide, but because we are comfortable and healthy at the size we are. Healthy at that present moment and also thinking about our health as we get older. To fixate on a size can not only cause upset, but also health issues both physically and mentally.

When you look at clothes try not to take a lot of notice of the number. Look instead at the cut, the dimensions and the colour. Then look at the price. :-) Try it on if you can and look at how it fits on you and how it flatters your body shape. Don't miss out because of that small piece of fabric inside the garment says the wrong number.

That's all for now.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie.

xx

KEEP IT REAL

 4^th February, 2022

I started to write this blog in March 2014. I needed to lose weight. There have been many times in the past I have needed to lose weight, but this time I thought I would track my journey. I think my daughter might have suggested a bolg when we chatted about me writing a diary. Blogs were the in thing at the time and my daughter knew someone who was doing quite well with hers financially. After a lot of thought I started one, not because I wanted to make any money, but because it seemed a good way to get my message and my feelings out to a wider audience, as opposed to keeping it all to myself in a diary.

I did stop writing in 2015 when life got in the way, as so often happens, and I started to slip back into my old habits of using food as a crutch. A solution to problems I had as it was easier to eat than to face the situation I was in. For four years I was back to the overweight and unhappy person I was used to being.

In 2019 things had to change, and in 2020 I started to write again after being encouraged by my family, and also local writer Katie Portman, to put my feelings and passions into words. It has not always been an easy task for me, but over the last 2 and a half years or so I have lost the weight (100 pounds ish) and now I am here wondering what to do next.

Now, there is a reason I wanted to recap the origins of blog and the reasons I personally write. Some people enjoy writing fiction, whether based on true fact, or totally made up. That is what they do, and get enjoyment and a feeling of fulfilment from it. It has been suggested to me to take my writings about myself and do the same. That they might be better like that. Not so personal as a blog can be and things may be better kept anonymous. That's their opinion and they are probably correct, but at the moment that does not sit easy with me. My blog was started about me. My opportunity to write about me. Selfish or not, it was my chance to say what I felt about the things that bothered me. There is value in blog writing if only for self expression. Blogging should be considered as a form of writing.

For a long time in my life I didn't matter, what I felt was irrelevant and then things – life – changed for the better. I do not really know who reads my blog. At I write this, I have had nearly 42700 page views on the 135 posts I have written so far, and the vast majority are from people I do not, and never will, know. This has always been fine with me. I write because I really love to write. What I write is an honest and personal account about me. I am very proud of how far I have come and I am not ashamed of anything I have had to cope with in my life.

If anyone reading my work gets strength from this, then that is absolutely fantastic. My weight loss journey has almost ended but as one journey ends, another one begins. A journey of maintaining my weight loss in the long term, and learning to deal with life's ups and downs in a different way. The great big journey of life goes only one way. We can't go back and start again, but what we can do is enjoy all the good things that come our way.

In fact, go looking for those good things while pushing the bad things back into the shadows where they belong. Learn how to deal with those problems and never let them grow any bigger than they should.

I know that my blog's content will change. It started with weight loss and will continue with “What Jackie Did Next”, but it will always remain a personal, honest and real life account of who I am and what makes me tick.

I always said in those dark days that I could not see an escape from, that one day I wanted to look back on my life satisfied and with no regrets, and I continue to work on that.

 My journey continues...

All for now, until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx

IS A SKIRT GOING TO HELP YET AGAIN?

 28^th January 2022

I was going through a very hard and strange time when I was writing my last blog, and my mind went off on one of it's “I will make your writing hand move the way I want it to” moments. :-) It can do that sometimes and I let it because that's the way I have learnt to feel better about a situation. I learnt this nearly nine years ago when I first started to write this blog. I needed to keep my mind clear to lose weight and writing helped me to do that. At the moment I find writing alone is not helping as much as it used to and I am now trying out lots of new ideas to keep me occupied and not constantly think about food.

I don't know if it's the time of year, or the fact that it is so cold, or even something else, but I do seem to think about food more than I have been. It's easier in warmer weather when you can fill up on salads and other low calorie foods, but in Winter it feels like there is only so much soup you can eat without feeling bored. There is also the fact that Winter clothes cover up so much.

Before we know it the warmer weather will be upon us and there will be nowhere to hide our bodies. I will feel so let down with myself if I can't at least maintain the weight I have reached. I was listening to Carla Jenkins on her “Calorie Crush” YouTube posts (I have mentioned her before in my blog) and she was saying she was finding it harder to lose weight now. She is at year two, week twenty of her weight loss journey. She started at 27 stone and 2 pounds, and at the moment she is 19 stone and 11 pounds, with some more weight to go.

She, like me, has a long, long journey, one that has to be there for the rest of her life. If only it was like getting in a car and going from A to D, and once there that was it. You could go back to the way you lived, the way you ate and you didn't step back on that slippery slope back to A. Somehow you need to keep going from B to C, C to D and stay there without going back.

We can't help who we are, what has made us this way, but we can take responsibility for where we want to be. My plan at the moment is damage limitation. I refuse point blank to once agin go back to where I was at 20 stone plus, but it is never going to be easy, especially at this stage of the game.

I am finding the scales frustrating. I have the older type with a dial and they don't show the smallest weight loss, unlike those that are digital. Unless you lose a couple of pounds, it doesn't show and at this stage of my journey, I may only lose a half pound a week.

I have decided for now to go back to not getting weighed. It's a bit of a risk, I know, but getting on those scales every morning and not seeing any change is so frustrating and depressing. Instead, I will, for now, gauge it with my clothes and how they feel. I know what I eat in a day, I know if it is “right” or “wrong” and I know the consequences, so in that situation the scales won't help me anyway. They will just add to the frustration of it all. I have done it before with monthly weigh-ins, and I will do it again. I don't need the scales to tell me. Words that can lead to a downfall, I know, but I am giving it a go. Scales were never my friend, anyway, so I won't miss them. I have a skirt that I bought the other day that is a little bit tight for me at the moment. It only cost £1 in the charity shop sale and instead of taking it back, I am going to see if I can lose the small amount I need to to get it to fit. I know they say you shouldn't use this method, but it has worked for me in the past, and that £1 skirt may give me the inspiration to lose the few pound in weight I need.

I will let you all know how I get on, but after losing weight this time over the course of just over two years, a new way of monitoring success may be just what I need. I promise – and I don't promise this lightly – a photo will follow in the future.

Until next time,

Lots of love,

Jackie

xx

THE FACULTY BY WHICH THE MIND STORES AND REMEMBERS INFORMATION

 25^th January, 2022

It is getting towards the end of January now, and it always amazes me how time flies by. It was my daughter's 40^th birthday on the 21^st and the years have certainly flowed away so quickly. Those years, and the ones before her birth contained so many, many memories. Some good, some not so good, but we are still here and each memory is precious, either for the happiness it gives or for the lessons left for us to hopefully learn from.

I find it easier now to be more philosophical because I am here looking back. Sometimes the reality of what happened in those years hits me and I am left wondering how I survived. But survive I did. When I relive moments in my head it can feel like some fictional story but it wasn't, it was real and I was one of the lead characters. Perhaps one day I will go into more details about my personal history, but I don't think I could do it as me, so to speak. It would have to be under a nom-de-plume. It could hopefully help those who are going through similar situations know they are not alone, how they are living is not “normal”, things can change and life can become so much better. Writing as someone else would also protect the ones that are intermeshed with my story to give them the privacy they deserve. Who knows, I will have to give this all some deep thought.

Life and memories are so important. When I was young I lived with my Grandparents as my mother was single and when she wasn't working she was always going out or going away somewhere. She had married my father when she was 17 years old on a cold and snowy day in January 1958. I was born in a much warmer July of the same year so I think you may have realised I too was at the wedding in a much smaller way :-)

After the marriage broke up about seven or eight years later she was still young and perhaps wanted to catch up with the youth she had missed out on. We had moved in with my Grandparents so catch up she did. At the time it was hard for me but looking back at the situation years later, I realised what a blessing it was. I spent a lot of time with my Grandad who I loved, he hadn't had an easy life but he just got on with things and always seemed to have a solution to problems as they arose. Grandma was always telling me stories of her childhood. This paid off in later years when she was diagnosed as having Alzheimer's.  When her mind took her back to her past, I knew what she was talking about and we could chat together. This was a hard but special time.She only had me to care for her in her last few years as my mother had disowned her and me but that, as they say, is another story.

When we are young family history can seem so boring but as we get older it can take on a whole new meaning. We have time to think about what went before and what made us who we are. How I wish I could travel back in time and see those family events first hand, rather than piecing together the different facts and stories.

This blog today, as you will have probably noticed, is not about weight loss, except life experiences can shape and mold us into who we are and be part of why we gain weight. How we deal with difficulties and problems can be limited to our experience. Past fears need to be overcome before we can move on.

For a lot of us there is far more to losing weight than watching what we eat and exercising more. We can over eat to deal with emotions and feelings and this can only really be addressed by knowing what the triggers are and learning how to overcome them.

I have realised over the years, especially after looking after my Grandma, just how important memories can be. I will move forward documenting mine in one form or another. Hopefully I can express who I feel I truly am, how it all was. Anyone interested  will be able to hear it from me. They will know my side of a story. 

Who knows many years from now what will be thought of all this I don't know I won't be there! :-)

Oh well, that's all for now, perhaps next time I will write the blog I actually sat down to write before my mind took over and I digressed!

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx

NEVER TOO OLD TO LEARN A NEW TRICK OR TWO!

 

15^th January, 2022

We are all probably doing our best to get through January. It can be a hard month, but it can literally have it's rays of sunshine. My daughter was born in late January 40 years ago, and it was a beautiful sunny day. She was born in a military hospital, the Louise Margaret in Aldershot. Although it was a military hospital, it was available to us civilians too. It was a wonderful hospital, where both my children were born, and you couldn't ask for better treatment, even from a private hospital.

I had my own room during labour and I clearly remember looking out on a wonderful garden, bathed in golden sunshine. It helped me take my mind off things, if only for a little while. :-) Some how, sunshine and bright blue skies always seem to make you feel better. They give you hope of better things to come. Life may change, but always hope for the better and do your best to make it that way.

I am carrying on with my plan to motivate myself. Little things that concentrate my mind and encourage good habits. At the moment I have been posting a photo of one brooch from my collection on Instagram each day, and saying something about it. I know that it might seem a trivial thing to do, but it focuses my mind on finding the brooches, photographing them and then putting them online each day.

When you are at home a lot, for whatever reason, it is so easy to slip into doing nothing all day and a task as small as this helps you to establish the get up, dress up and get on with life attitude you really do need if you are going to feel your best.

I have collected my brooches over a long period of time, and each and every one has a special memory. I have always loved jewellery and shiny things. They can be so small, but can bring so much joy. When I was over 20 stone, a lot of jewellery didn't seem to “fit”, but a brooch always did. I have around about forty four at the moment, But I know my collection hasn't stopped. Most of them haven't cost a lot of money, not that that matters, but they all shine in one way or another. You do run the risk of damaging them if you wear them too much, but they are there to be worn and they give me so much pleasure, and hopefully others appreciate them too.

I am always looking at different ways to wear things and adapt them possibly for a different use. As I have said before, I do love to shop in a charity shop or two. Not really ever having a lot of disposable cash, it definitely is a cheaper way to dress yourself, especially if you don't mind being a little imaginative and think out of the box. There are so many treasures you can find, and up to now I have, and I am still going. ☺️

There is someone I have found on YouTube who is such an inspiration. The name of her channel is “PoppyK” and it can be found at https://www.youtube.com/user/ktcreid. She is based here in the UK, not America as so many are, and she does a lot of charity shop and vintage outlet shopping. How she manages to pick up some of the wonderful things she does, I am not sure, but she does and puts them together in outfits that give people inspiration to give it a go themselves. Maybe not in the same way that she does, but it opens the mind to new ways of thinking. She also has videos of when she has upcycled items, either by embellishing what she has bought, to help it to fit better, or completely changing something into something else.

She is an inspiration to watch and has such an imagination when it comes to putting her charity shop finds together. I know that watching her has definitely given me some new and much needed ideas. She is well worth a watch or two... or three ☺️

I have started going through my clothes rail with a different pair of eyes. Over the next few weeks I shall start to put outfits together for Spring, which is rapidly approaching, (yes, it will come), and see what I need to keep and what I can give away. As I have a rule of one thing given away, one thing gained, I may be in for a charity shop hunt very shortly indeed.

I will let you know how it all goes, but in the meantime give “PoppyK” a watch. You too may learn something new.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie.

xx

NEW IDEAS EMERGE. WE WILL SEE!

 

9^th January, 2022

“The difference between who you are and who you want to be is what you do.”

(Bill Phillips)

Well, here we are, the second week of January and at what stage are we when it comes to weight loss, New Year's resolutions and the new us.

For many it may already have dwindled or they have given up, after all it wasn't really going to work once real life kicked in was it 😁 For others that have been losing weight throughout 2021 and gave themselves a break for Christmas, it may be hard to get back into the swing of things. It's all really about mind set and how we see things and trying to find a middle way. A middle way that is sustainable. It's not easy at this time of year to always be motivated or not to let boredom creep in and spoil the show. With me I know it can be boredom, or should I say activating my mind to think of things rather than food. In the Summer it is much easier. There is always somewhere to go, or something to do outside which you don't always want to do when it's cold and raining. For me to stick to my plan of healthy eating I need to be doing other things. Other things that don't always involve food. I say that, but I would like to start thinking of cooking interesting healthier food. This is not always easy me for me to do as I find I cannot stand for long a great length of time without feeling the consequences later, but I am sure I can find a way around this with a little help from Steve.

I have also thought about finding new interests and new groups that I could possibly join, plus doing a little volunteering work, but all of this I shall write about as I progress, and I can see where they go.

I managed to keep myself going through the lockdowns of 2020 and I am sure I can do it now. Of course, then my motivation was at a very high level, but I can still come up with things now especially as things in the outside world are getting easier. I have a love of clothes and fashion, even more so since I have lost weight and also I have a great love for jewellery, especially unusual jewellery. I find a lot of things on my charity shop and antique centre visits and look forward to doing more of this. It is a little difficult for me to go too far at this moment in time as the bus drivers in our area are on an indefinite strike, but that won't last forever.

I still watch a bit of Youtube, but to be fair I have learnt so much from there and have found some really interesting channels that are very entertaining. In an upcoming blog I will write about these and how I have used information from them to help myself. I am also in the process of finding out more about online courses and what I can gain from a little more education.

So what with new foods, fashion and jewellery, new groups, Youtube and a little more learning, you can see I have set myself up for a very interesting time, along with, of course, carrying on with my writing. It is so important for me to carry on progressing with my healthy eating and trying, as a result, to lose a few more pounds. If all these new ideas I have come up with help to occupy this mind of mine, it can only be a bonus, says she with optimism.

So we will see what happens next,

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx

OUT WITH THE OLD AND IN WITH THE...?

 2^nd January, 2022

I am writing this on New Year's Eve, although it won't actually appear on my blog for a day or two. New Year is traditionally a time when we think about the last year and look forward to the next one. It's always good to look forward, but when you consider that others in this world have different New Years it didn't necessarily need to be today, but today is as good as any. We had a good Christmas. It was a little different, but for me and Steve different is the way we often like to be. This year we decided to not have the traditional Christmas dinner, and went instead to an Indian restaurant for a buffet lunch, and it was really nice, albeit a little bit noisy, but you can't have it all ways.

Christmas was different for me this year in the way I felt about food too. Last Christmas I found it really hard to eat the food I wanted to because I felt it was “bad”.Even though I did try to eat all the lovely treats like mince pies and chocolate it didn't last long. The pressure and guilt got too much for me. Even though at the time I thought it was great for me to be back on “plan” on Boxing Day, it was really because I couldn't relax and I was worried I would put on a lot of weight. I have read so much  about how many calories you would have to eat to put a lb of fat on your body (and it is a lot) but last year I still worried. I had not learnt at that time to not let food be a problem. When I say problem what I mean is the obsession of not wanting to eat fatty, sugary foods because I was terrified of putting weight back on. I know back then I was waiting for my operation and then the wedding and to lose weight was important to me but it was fear and obsession that stopped any enjoyment there could have been Christmas 2020. As these needs for weight loss have passed I am starting to think differently. My weight did go up after the operation, then it went down again, and then it went up slightly with the wedding and went back down and then went  up a little over Christmas. In the real world this is normal and should not be feared it is not the end of my slimmer Jackie world 😂 Not having that pressure of the fear of weight gain is a lovely feeling. Remembering that it is about health and how you feel about yourself and not only the number on the scale will help me to enter 2022 on track to what I want to achieve in the next twelve months. It has now been just over two years since I weighed 20 stones and 4 pounds. I have still been able to maintain my weight loss of just over 100 lbs give or take a few pounds so I must be doing something right. I have learnt so much about myself in that time and about the issues I have around food. It is so much easier now but it is not fully overcome. I don't know if it ever will be completely. With any other addiction, to abstain is a good start, but we have to eat to live. Not only that, but the issues that drive you to overeat are still there, even when you become slimmer. It is then you have to address those issues driving you to overeat again and not go around in that continual cycle.

The years go around and around in a circle and there is nothing we can do about that, but what we can do is break those cycles we put ourselves through throughout those years if we want to live a different life. There is no starting point to a circle, so perhaps I need to live the next year in a straight line with a beginning and some outcomes. It is so uplifting to be able to think about these outcomes and what they could mean to me and where they might lead me to. It is good to look back, we can learn so much, but let us not forget to also look forward, and who knows just what memories we will have on December 31^st 2022.

Here's to twelve months of trying and hopefully succeeding.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx