IF I ONLY HAD TIME

 

29^th January, 2021

I remember a song, sung by Gene Pitney, years ago a song called “If I Only Had Time”. How often have we said that? Or even when we do have time, we feel that we don't want to do anything with it? I have felt just like that this week. Being able to do nothing, really nothing, is a luxury that many of us do not really have. Whether we have to go to school, college, work or have a family to look after, our level of being able to do nothing varies to many degrees. Being able to relax and do as little as we want to do can be harder than you think. I have done all the things on the above list, even at one time holding down two jobs just to survive while looking after a family and I look back now and don't know how I did it – but I did.

Now I have given up work because of my health problems – I have another four years before I can officially retire – I sometimes find it hard to adjust to. I have given and given and always had something to do for someone, and then it all changes. Add to that the fact that what you can do is limited and it takes a lot of readjustment. It can be quite frustrating and hard to accept and I often find myself feeling that I have no place. What I did before is gone and things can become meaningless. Add to that the fact that you are a lot older, have white hair, and walk with a frame and you have a good mix for self pity, feeling that you are not taken seriously anymore and you just blend into the background.

I hear people who do have busy lives saying you don't know how lucky you are, not having to work, look after a family, etc., but when you actually find yourself in that situation it's not always as good as it may seem when it's long term “retirement”. I did start putting some plans together to get me out of the house doing things but then the lockdown happened. The first half wasn't too bad, the weather was good and I was able to sit out in our front garden and talk to people that passed by. But now in the winter it is not so easy. It's now almost a year on and it is a lot harder, but I have decided that enough is enough. I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a lovely family and children who I worked hard to bring up and I am proud of for the people they have become. We have so much to look forward to and I must not forget that. When I really think about it, there are so many things I love to do and plan to do and it won't be that long before I can do them. The way that life is at the moment will change for the better and we mustn't forget that.

When I was in my first marriage and things were really hard, I would never have dreamt that I would escape my situation and get married again, this time to the most kindest, loving and supportive man and have the opportunity to enjoy a better life, but it did happen. It is so easy to feel down and lose motivation, but it is time for me to give myself a mental shake up.

It was so hard for me to sit down and put these thoughts into words but when I do it makes things seem so much clearer. I know I am grateful for what I have and I have achieved a lot in this past year. I just need to put my plans back into action and move on to a much more happy year, appreciating all that I have and making the best of it. After all, there are many who did not have the opportunity to have time on their hands.

Love to you all,

Jackie,

xx

I AM STILL AFRAID OF THE SCALES

 

19^th January 2021,

I am, indeed, still afraid of the scales, but nowhere near as much as I used to be. It still seems so silly, but scales and what they say on them have been such a big part of my life. How I felt about them, how I was treated, and on three occasions have had an effect on whether or not I would be able to have medical treatment that I needed. It shouldn't always be that way, but I will continue to cover such topics as medical care in future blogs.

I can't be the only person who is scared of scales and weight. They are such a small part of health and a weight loss journey, but that little read out can have such an effect on how you feel about yourself for the rest of the day, even though how much you weigh can be down to so many different factors. Have you just eaten or had a drink? Have you been to the toilet? What are you wearing? Are you building muscle while losing fat?

I remember talking to someone who had got weighed in front of me at a weight loss club and she had got so upset because she had put on a pound. I said to her “Didn't you just drink a very large bottle of Cola while you were waiting to be weighed?” She hadn't realised that the weight of that fluid was still inside her. She is not the only one. A lot of people don't think about weight going in and out as well as the fat you lose. I took a long time to realise why I weighed heavier at night than I did in the morning. :-)

When I started this last weight loss regime, I had to change my way of thinking. I really did have to know how much I weighed because I had to get down to the weight I had been told to for my hip replacement or a certain B.M.I. which can be worse. I managed to cope while I was getting weighed at the dietician clinic because it was once a month, so it was only once a month I was getting stressed as the appointment drew near.

When the Lockdown happened due to Covid-19, I had to make the decision to once again have a set of scales in the house, but it took me quite a while to adjust to them being there and not become obsessed in weighing myself too much and being scared of what they might say. You can try so hard all week to eat the right things and still find your weight has not gone down.

Nearly a year later now it doesn't bother me nearly as much if my weight fluctuates, which is good, but I still know at the moment I have to stay at the level asked for by the hospital.Our Doctor's scales weighed me so much heavier. There is about 7 lbs difference between the two scales, the doctor's ones weighing me heavier. This could be for many reasons, but they are the official record.

I will always have a concern for my weight, it's been there for most of my life, but I do know that there is more to it all than just weight. Losing weight still comes down to calories in and calories out, spent on living and exercise.

What you eat, getting all the nutrients you need is so important. You could eat your whole daily allowance of chocolate or not eat much at all and still lose weight but your heath would eventually suffer. I have known people, including myself in the past, think that they will cut back, lose weight fast and then when they get there adjust the diet to be healthy. It is not a good way to do it.

With me, at the moment, I can not do a lot of physical exercise, and because of this my daily calorie intake is less than someone who runs a lot or goes to exercise classes or the gym. I have to be so careful to make sure I find a balance between eating the required nutrients and losing weight. I have managed to do that even though at the moment I am very anaemic and we are not sure as to why just yet. The doctors are aware and I am in the process of trying to find out why, which at the moment means very strong iron tablets along with the problems they can cause. :-)

There are many reasons why an individual wants to lose weight, but in the long term what it says on the scales is not more important than health and well being.

Scales are a tool, but should not be the only indicator of importance and definitely should not be feared or used as a weapon to be able to tell you off about your health.

That's all for now,

Love, Jackie xx

P.S. I have started to lose the weight I put on over the Christmas period! :-)

ALWAYS MOVING FORWARD

 

15^th January, 2021,

Last time I was writing about the benefits of knowing just why you are really doing something, and for all the right reasons. I know that for me, in my past, I didn't really know about much in my life, especially the weight loss. Whether it was because someone else was telling me to do it, or I thought I had to look a certain way for value, or I thought it would make all my problems go away... the list goes on. These weren't going to change my life or make my problems go away, at least not just with weight loss.

When I first got together with my first husband, he made it quite clear he liked the nature I had and and the body “HE” could change. Looking back now I had no self-esteem and was far too trusting, but I was only 16 years old and knew no different really. I thought losing weight would make me the person he wanted me to be. If only I could talk with my younger self now, but to be honest I probably wouldn't have listened and I am who I am today because of my past, hard as it was at the time. I have a lot to be grateful for. I wasn't really happy with the strict regime I was put under, especially before we got married in 1980, but I felt it was the way it should be, and that he really cared about how I should be and what was best because he loved me.

I remember really cutting back on my food, being hungry and then, when he went to work, binging on food because he wasn't there to see me. I was going to a slimming club at the time and being afraid that he would be so angry at me if I didn't lose weight and that he might find out what I was doing. I would take laxatives before the club weigh in, in the hope that it would make the scales go the right way. I have a very clear memory of being stuck in the public loo near the slimming club venue because I had taken so many laxatives that I was unable to leave. It was such a stupid thing to do but I wasn't the first – or last – to take such drastic actions. Thankfully this was a stage that passed quickly and didn't develop into something far more serious. I was young and had no real outside support and thought it was just the way it should be.

How many other young girls have been put in positions like this? I lost weight and was able to get a wedding dress that I could afford and liked, but even on our wedding day he made comments on how silly I looked. So sad, but I think you only realise what things can be like if you have experienced similar things in your life. Throughout the following years I lost and then put on weight at least three or four more times for various reasons. From because I was bullied into doing it, to trying to be my own person during my divorce and finally for my suffering health, but old habits die hard. The way you try to do it is the way you have learnt over your life and restriction and drastic weight control doesn't last for long.

This time it had to be a life style change, I had to learn what worked for me in a sustainable way and realise that even when you have lost weight it is not the answer to all life's problems, they do not go away overnight with the melting fat.

Hopefully I have learnt this time how to look after myself better and I knew I stood the chance of long term success if I did. As the saying goes you can't pour from an empty jug and I have tried so hard this time to look after myself and do things for the right reasons. It has not been easy, and it is still a very long steep learning curve, but it is never too late to put things right. Last year was such a changing point in my life and I will carry on this year to achieve the goals I have set out for myself. My life in the beginning was not always great and it would have been so much nicer to have had more support but I am who I am as I said, and I have so much to be grateful for. I have been given a second chance, and even if it was so much later in life it is never too late. The New Year is ahead of us all and hopefully at the end of it we will be able to look back and appreciate what we have learnt and have some great memories.

That's all for now,

Love, an older and wiser Jackie

xx

NEW YEAR, A REALISATION I AM A NEW ME (WELL, NEARLY! :-) )

9^th January, 2021

Well, here we are. 2020 has just left and 2021 crept in, in a new and strange way. Many things are different, but what is still the same is the idea of a New Year, a new you – whatever that means to the individual. In the last few days, diets, losing weight, not dieting and diets that don't work seem to be trending on social media in one way or another. This happens every year, year in, year out, but for some of us it is just carrying on with something we have already started. One thing is for sure. I know why I had to start my weight loss journey this time for my health and the surgery I need, but there were many times in the past that I really did not know why I should lose weight. I didn't know that at the time, but it has become very clear to me this time when I have really thought about things in a very different way.

Knowing why you are doing something is always a good start, but how often do we really know, or find some kind of justification as to why we are doing it even when it doesn't feel completely right.

I realise now that when I lost weight when I was younger, I didn't really know why. It was all for the wrong reasons. By the time I was twenty years old I was living with my ex-husband and really had lost any independence that I had had. I had no family nearby, and I didn't really have any friends. I was, without realising it, very gullible. That's very common for someone in a controlling situation. There was nobody to advise or help me and I don't even know at that stage if I would have listened to anyone. My then boyfriend, later husband ( ex ) had complete control. It seems so strange looking back now at those times. I really feel for anyone that is in a controlling, abusive relationship and at the stage where they don't even realise what is happening to them, and possibly even at a later stage when it is so difficult to escape. Everyone else thinks that the problem is with you, because your partner is such a charmer and everyone thinks that they are such a wonderful person.

“What happens behind closed doors” as the saying goes, but what I will say is that time and actions show the true character. This isn't any help at the time, but having survived and looking back now I can find some comfort when others start to realise the truth. I am grateful for where I am now. I have really gone off on a tangent, but I am always conscious of who maybe reading this and if anything helps just one person in any way it is always a blessing. I will leave my writing for now and return soon in part two to continue writing about my past diets and my present lifestyle change and the differences I have found.

Until then,

Love Jackie

xx