October 25th 2020,
As I said in my last blog, I have thought a lot recently about me, what I like to wear, and what my style is. As a youngster I had no self-worth, even before I met my first husband and any bit of my style that was there went out the window very shortly after we started to go out.
I was just coming up to seventeen and really wanted to belong somewhere but couldn't find exactly where I did belong. At home, I helped to look after the home as my mother had now re-married and had a small baby. She had brought me from Yorkshire to live in Surrey and with this and studying full time plus a weekend job I didn't have a lot of time to think about me.
When my relationship started with my ex-husband, he soon started to take over how I thought and dressed. My family moved away and I was left to live alone, so any individuality quickly disappeared. I was desperate to find where I belonged and fitted in, so I was so easily manipulated to his way of thinking. My ex is Indian, and I really loved wearing Indian clothes. They are so comfortable and glamourous and colourful, but I never fitted in. I was never me. I was never me for the whole 27 years we were together. Any time I tried I was soon put down. It was just not worth it and then, one day, I was free! The divorce was long, stressful and painful and any thoughts had to be about the children, not me. I realise now that I have only just recently started to think about me. I still think about my family, of course, but I have finally started to think about me and what I really like. My daughter has tried so hard over the last few years to encourage me to spend time and money on myself, but my mind has not been trained to think about me and it was hard. I thought I was not worth it. I was that young “fat” girl that wasn't worth it. It is really only since last year that I have started to look at myself and why I have been the way I have been with weight loss and gain that I have started to discover just who I really am, what I really wanted, and - as a side thought - what I like to wear. And what my style is.
I went into lockdown in March 2 ½ stone lighter, by July another 2 stones and as I write this blog another stone and a half, so six stone in total. At last I can look in a mirror and feel good about myself. Lockdown gave me a lot of time to really think about just what my style is and at last I felt I was free and able to be me. I wasn't able to get personal help on my style for many reasons, but I have done my best to teach myself. Not an easy way, but I have read so much, and I realise now that I do have the confidence to be me and wear what I want to wear.
It may not always be conventional or the “norm”, but if it makes me feel happy and confident, that's all that matters.
I am having so much fun learning about style and what is right for me. I think, in a way, it has always been there, my love of style, but until now I didn't think it was for me. I wasn't good enough to be noticed, it was for someone else.
I AM good enough and my personal style is fast becoming a reality. We all have the right to be who we want to be, to go out there and have the confidence to wear what we feel good in. My love of clothes, jewellery and style will continue to grow and I will continue to enjoy the freedom to enjoy every moment.
That's all for now, I will see you all again soon.
Jackie
xx
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