23rd September, 2020
In my last blog I wrote about finding old photos of myself and getting upset with the realisation of losing weight and then, through denial and lack of knowledge putting it all back on again over a seven year period.
I started my weight loss journey in 2013 and by the time of the first photo in 2014 I had reached my target loss of 100 lbs. In this photo I was out for afternoon tea with my daughter at Claridges in London, and I felt great. I was so full of confidence and able to put an outfit together that I felt was appropriate and looked good
. Why didn't that feeling stay, and why wasn't the image etched onto my mind? Perhaps it was, and by the time of the second photo three years later my mind still thought I looked like that first photo. No, by 2017 I knew what I looked like, I knew it was so hard to find good looking clothes, but I was lost and my motivation was leaving me. This day I also was out for tea, this time with my son and daughter at Cliveden House. A really beautiful place with lovely gardens, but by this time I was suffering so much with the arthritis and the pain in my knee, I was starting to find it hard to walk. I tried to put an outfit together, but even pulling a scarf across my body could not hide the size I was. I wore colours to boost my confidence, but it failed. I remember that when we booked in, I felt that the receptionist spoke to my daughter and son, but it was like I was invisible. Whether that was true or not I don't know, but that is how I felt.
I feel so much sadness when I look at photo 2017 because really I was a mess. I was in so much pain, both physically and mentally, but at a loss how to stop the situation.
Those feelings got worse and worse and by the third photo in July 2019 I was completely lost in myself. We had gone to Maastricht to see Andre Rieu and even though we had enjoyed going before, this time was not the same. We had a lovely time, but I know deep down inside I was not really happy, no matter how much I tried. I look at photo 2019 now, and know that I could not have carried on that way for much longer. I was worn out all the time, it was hard just to look after myself and I was not the person I wanted to be. The pure frustration of the situation I was in was getting me down and even though I am a strong woman I had hit the bottom. But, as they say, when you reach the bottom the only way is up – although I could argue that you could just stay there at the bottom. At that time I did feel like I was going to stay at the bottom, but I was fortunate enough for a few things to happen in my life that helped me start to get myself together, really starting when I saw the specialist in February.
It's frightening to think that if he had not been so understanding and been more like the first one I saw five years ago, what would have happened to me going forward. He wasn't like that at all. He understood what I was trying to say to him and he was prepared to give me a chance, and that I was all I needed to pick myself up. The last seven months have not always been easy, but I have learnt so much and I know now that I am worth so much more than some in the past have made me feel.
Now we come to photo 2020, and even though I am still not keen on having my photo taken, at least now I can look at it and sort of like what I am beginning to see.
These four photos stir so many emotions, but looking at them does help me to face reality and hopefully I will keep myself on the straight and narrow road. As you move towards your future don't ever forget the past and what you learnt from it.
Love for now,
Jackie
xx
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