JUST BECAUSE I MENTION THINGS DOESN'T MEAN THEY BOTHER ME MUCH!

 27^th June, 2021

I will still be away as this blog goes live. As I have said many times before, my blogs are never really planned, they never have been. They have always been a way for me to clear my head of thoughts of confusion, doubt, worry and lack of confidence amongst other things, which then helps me to be more resolved to be who I am and to do what is needed.

I wish in many ways I would have been writing years ago when I had so many things to deal with, but then I suppose I was too busy just coping, but it would have helped in the middle of the night when I was racked with worry, I am sure. Writing has certainly helped with my peace of mind. The only downside to this per se is I only get the one opinion (well, most of the time :-) ), but it's better than worrying about something that may not happen. In those days it was worrying about surviving, now it's just thinking rather than worry the way that life is.

Now, that brings me on to the something I have seen a lot of recently that I have thought above. Some things do happen that we have little or no control over. One of those things is age, it happens to us all, but some of us deal with it better than others. I maybe wrong when I say this, but it seems to worry women more than it does men. It does worry men, but more in terms of strength and what they can't seem to do as well physically as they used to. With women, it's more often about losing their looks. I must admit that with me it has been more the things I can't physically do now because of my health problems, but I suppose that would have been me even when I was younger, however getting older does not help. It does annoy me when I am out and about and people comment and assume that I am in pain and use a walker just because I am “old”. I am only 63 years old. A lot of my health conditions are more related to past stress, lifestyle and genetics (DNA), not just a result of my getting older. I suppose some of those who comment are a similar age to me and it makes them feel better that their health is better than mine. I know that with me first appearances probably don't help. My hair is almost white now, and I have to use a walking frame, so I suppose some people think I am older than I actually am. Put that together with hearing problems, issues with my balance and the occasional slow speech and, well, what can I say? Except that if you really know me then you would know that I am not really that old, especially in my way of thinking. Those that don't know me don't really count when it comes to how I now think about myself, and that is the most important part. I am now quite confident as to how I look. I do like to look good, I think about what I'm going to wear, I use make-up to enhance what I have, but that is really as far as it goes. Many women a lot younger than me have fillers in their skin and go for cosmetic surgery. Well, if that makes them feel better then that is their choice, but it's certainly not for me. I will work with what I have got myself. I can't do a heck of a lot to make myself walk better without falling down but I can do all that I can to look the best I can. Age happens to us all, there is no escaping it, and those that live to an older age, as long as they have their independence, are the fortunate ones. Every line and sag that I have is a memory and a medal of the life I have had, and of who I am, and I will keep it that way. Having said all that, it doesn't mean I can't have fun choosing and wearing what I want to wear!

This brings me to the next thing that niggles at me. Size perception and clothes sizing. They are two completely different things, but sort of go together. I have lost seven and half stone now and I look and feel a lot slimmer. To those that know me I am a lot smaller. I lost 7 inches from my bust, 12 inches from my waist and 10 inches from my hips, so I know that I am smaller. However, I weigh 13 stones and 3 pounds, so for a person of 5 foot and 5 inches I am still a lot bigger than some health professionals not to mention the fashion industry and some other parts of society think I should be. Now, I know that this does not matter, I know that I am smaller and healthier and that is what matters. There are so many people out there that don't recognise who they are or what they have achieved. As one who was in that position for so many years, I know what that feels like. No one should feel like that and no one should make then feel that way, either intentionally or unintentionally. Now, I know you may think that it is different for someone to do it unintentionally, but it isn't. That's still someone who doesn't know you – or even worse DOES know you – making a comment about size and how it matters. Health is one thing, one important thing, but looks are something completely different. In the sense that we should not need to be teeny and under a certain size to look good. We should all be able to look good and wear whatever we want to wear no matter what size we are. I feel so passionate about this. It has taken me so many years to feel this way, and luckily I don't now see them as wasted years, but there are so many younger people out there who feel that they are not good enough because of their size. It is a lot easier to buy some clothes now than it was when I was younger, and a lot more larger girls are finding the confidence to dress the way they want to, but there is still a lot of room for change. Someone who has been small for all of their life may not see sizing as a problem and even talk about the fuss larger people make as unimportant, but it is so important. If something or someone makes a person feel bad it is certainly important. It is, as they say, the one who wears the shoe who really knows where it hurts. Larger high street stores and companies like ASOS are now recognising there is a market for larger people to buy from, but smaller boutique and specialist shops can still get size oh so wrong. How can a UK size 14 be classed as a large or even extra large and be the largest size they do? Now, what they sell is up to them. But for so many people who are larger than that it can make you feel unworthy if you wanted to buy something and you couldn't because it was supposedly “extra large” and still didn't fit you. And, if the boutique owner was then to go on to say something without thinking, then that could make things even worse. I went into one a few days ago that was in a more up-market complex. I was looking at a dress in the sale and the owner said to me that she would look in the back to see if she had any larger sizes. She came back and said that she didn't. I said that's a shame as I didn't think the one that I was holding would fit me. She replied, rather bluntly “No it wouldn't! It doesn't even fit me”! Now, looking at her I wouldn't have said she was that much smaller than me, but she obviously thought she was. Now that's okay, and it just made me chuckle inside, but that comment could have really hurt someone, and as far as I was concerned she had just lost the sale of anything else she might have had that I liked. I may have even thought as I walked out of the shop that it had hit a nerve and I didn't feel comfortable there. We should all have the right, whoever we are, however old we are, however large we are, to be treated fairly and with dignity. We don't know what the person we are looking at has been through, or still going through and age and size should not matter.

I feel that there is so much more to write about this, but for now I will stop. I think I have said enough this time, but I will be back and I am sure the rest while I have been away will have done me a lot of good.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx

I AM GOING AWAY

 24^th June, 2021

I am going away, in fact by the time that you read these words, I will have already gone. I am so looking forward to it, even though I am going to be travelling there and back on my own. I will be on a coachwith other people, but you know what I mean. I am travelling down to the South of England, about 250 miles from where we now live, to see family. Firstly to my son and his fiancée, and then on to my daughter, son-in-law and our grandchildren. It's been about a year since I've seen them, and my, what a year it has been. I am nervous about the travelling, but I have booked driver assistance and I know I will be looked after. I have done it so many times before, but lockdown has changed so many things and there's still a lot of uncertainty how things are going to be.

It is going to be lovely but very different from me being here controlling what's going on around me. Control is such a strange word, isn't it? So many things are out of our control, but I mean things like our usual daily routines and food. Food is the scary one. Food plays a big part of socialising, being with people and also, of course, Weight Management. There will be times whilst I am away that it will not be as easy to control what I eat, and the amounts. I do know I am a lot more confident around food now, but I know I will still need to be aware of balance. It's not the end of the world if I do eat a little bit more than usual, that's what going away means, and I will be able to put myself back on track once I get back home. One occasion while I'm away is going to sample the food that is going to be served at my son and his fiancée's wedding. I am looking forward to that, as I have said before, I do love good food. In the past when I was on a diet, something like this would have scared me, and I know that probably I would have used it as an excuse to carry on eating all day. It was very much all or nothing in those days. I would restrict my calorie intake right down to lose weight as quickly as possible and then the minute I was going to eat something “bad” would just think “Oh well, all is lost” and carry on binging for the rest of the day. Then the next day I would feel so so bad and restrict what I ate to try to catch up again.

Of course, it never worked. It was no way to live and could not be a way that you could live like for long. It should never be all or nothing. We know or should know that is all about balance. Going over the allowance occasionally will not result in all the weight going back on overnight. As much as it used to scare me to death, eating good food while I am away will not result in an urgent trip to the shops to replace clothes,the ones that no longer fit, to save me travelling back home in a state of undress. It doesn't work that way at all. I will be able to have my birthday cake and eat it! :-)

The other thing that does scare me, and you'll think I'm mad when I say this, is seeing people that I haven't seen for over a year. Not my immediate family, of course, but all the other people that know me. I know that I look so much different and people will probably comment. I am proud of me and it is nice that people notice, but I am really not that comfortable talking about myself. Says she who writes a blog every week, but that is a bit different. That is just me saying what is in my head, writing it on a page and then it is done and dusted. It's not facing people and chatting about me and answering all their questions. It definitely sounds wrong now I am writing it down because I have always wanted to be a public speaker. I think it's just nerves and not wanting to be the centre of attention at family gatherings, but as always I am probably overthinking things instead of taking them one step at a time. I AM proud of myself, my confidence has grown and I know most of the answers. I know I will be fine. I really am looking forward to going away. Honestly! I know I will have a lovely time. The best bit will definitely be seeing my immediate family.

It is funny, isn't it, the things that scare us? Confidence is a very strange thing. If you have confidence you are strong – well, you feel strong, at least – about the way you look and behave. If something or someone takes your confidence away you feel weak and downtrodden. I spent a great many years with someone who slowly took my confidence away and I fought so, so hard to get it back. Once the confidence is there we sometimes have to fight so hard to keep it there because the quality of life is so much better with it. You feel like you can take on the world one bit at a time. It's not really confidence that goes in a new situation really. It's nerves that rear their whitherly heads making you feel anxious, chipping away at the thoughts in your head. Don't forget though, Jackie, that nerves can be good thing too, like any tool that can be put to a good use. Nerves can help you focus, to raise the effort to deal with what you are about to do. It's said that all important people are nervous before a great event, and I am sure that goes for Generals, actors, politicians (sorry for using the P-word), teachers etc., etc. The list goes on. Nerves can be put to good use, and what I have is nerves about travelling 250 miles by myself. I know when the time comes, I will be fine. Once in the situation, I will deal with it in the best way I can and enjoy every minute of it. Then BANG! Before you know it the holiday will be over and it will be back to ordinary life. There is so much more to look forward to before the year's end. I am sure I will write about my trip once I am back, so until then,

Love, Jackie

xx

BEING MY BEST, WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM YOUTUBE

 20^th June, 2021

Here we are, in June already. I have always found that the time between New Year's Eve and midsummer goes very fast, but this year seems to have gone even quicker. Once we've had my daughter's birthday, and the birthdays for my granddaughter and my son, then Easter, and then my future daughter-in-law's and my grandson's birthday, well, here we are! I have always felt a special connection to midsummer, especially midsummer's eve, but I don't know why. There is something magical about it being still light outside at 10 o'clock at night. It's a special kind of light, and I always try to sit outside that evening, for the last few years in our beautiful little cottage garden. I don't find it easy to stay up late these days because of the pain I am in and the drugs I take for the pain, but I will do my best. I think life is all about trying to do your best. You have to accept the challenges that life throws at you and run with it. Not that I can run, after all these days I can't walk properly :-).

I haven't always had this attitude, I don't think. Earlier life was always a struggle and time was just taken up with surviving. I must admit I never really thought at the time about what was happening, and about physicall changing things until the time I finally separated from my ex-husband. The next 2 or 3 years it was a continuous effort to sort things out, but in the end I did it. Since then I have made a physical and mental effort to get on and enjoy life. I have had quite a few blips since then, especially in 2019 when I spent a lot of time at home, doing very little at all, but I look back on that now as an experience that helped me cope with 2020 and the UK lockdown. Last year I completely threw myself into doing the best I could for myself. Improving my health as much as I could within my limitations, and staying as mentally active as I could. I can't do much of a work out or walk very far, but I can keep my mind active. What is great these days is, with the aid of modern technology, being able to connect with other people in a much quicker way than writing to them. Not just the family on Whatsapp and Zoom meetings, but also complete strangers on social media.

I have started to watch Youtube a lot, especially when the weather was really bad and I wasn't able to sit outside. It's great to watch people talk about things that interest me and, as you've probably guessed, one of them is weight loss. I do take some of it with a pinch of salt. There is so much out there, so many different ideas, but one of the channels I really love is “Carla's Calorie Crush” (3) Carla Jenkins - YouTube. Here is a lady who knew that the time had arrived to do something about her weight. I only started watching Youtube this year, so I didn't see this particular story from the beginning, but she has done very well so far. I decided today to watch the very first episode, where she said why she felt the time was now right to lose weight. I then went on to watch her first weigh in. She is now on week 43, so well into for what is, for a lot of us, a very difficult journey. What struck me was how much we are alike. Carla is about 15 years younger than I am, but I can see by watching that first episode that her reasons for losing weight are very similar to mine. The difference is that she has managed to catch her health issues before they got to the stage mine did, which is terrific. When you are a larger person, a lot of the time you live with being big, you know you are big, but it can seem okay, until that time that your health starts to suffer. It is only then that you maybe think “Enough is enough! I must do something about this”. It took me longer than it did Carla, even though I have tried in the past, but I have got there.

What I love about her posts is her honesty and how she knows herself. It looks to me that we are both doing this in a very similar way and that in many things we think very much alike. She is so down to earth and a very easy person to watch. I admire a lot of people who have Youtube channels. I could never film myself and let people watch me. I think that is a very brave thing to do. Perhaps they don't think that they are brave, but to me they are. I suppose we all have different ways of expressing ourselves. I love my writing because it is just me writing. I know people read my blog, in fact I have just recently passed 30,000 page views, but it is not the same as someone watching me. To me it's just me writing and when written, it's done and I forget about it until the next time.

Youtube seems so much more complicated, and so more obvious that people see you, lumps, bumps and all. I admire some of the vlogers greatly and Carla is one of them. Her attitude for losing weight is so down to earth and she does most definitely know herself, and what it is she needs to do. It seems that both she and I are looking at things in a very similar way and I truly believe that both of us will crack it this time.

I will not go into details about Carla's journey so far, as I wouldn't want to spoil it for those of you that would like to try watching it, and I think it is indeed worth a watch. For me, it is just lovely to watch someone on a very similar journey to mine, and know that there are others out there and I am not on my own. Watching and listening to Carla helps me to think that yes, this is someone else trying a different way of doing this and it is working for her.

As I have said before, losing a large amount of weight is not easy, and takes time and any help and strength given along the way is great support. I will carry on finding that support in as many different ways that I can, and I do know that I and Carla are doing our very best to be our best in the best way we can.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx

THE ROUNDABOUT IN MY MIND

 11^th June, 2021

These last few weeks I feel like I have been on a roundabout, going around and around, not knowing which road to go on to. My mind is beginning to clear now, and after having a few days of not really thinking about anything, I think I know now where I am going with things.

When you are younger you are so busy with work, or bringing up a family, or both, that you don't really have this issue, but some things like weight loss can concern you no matter what else is going on in your life. I was listening the other day to someone talk about their weight loss plan and how it was different because you didn't get obsessed about food. I have never used this method, and won't do now, but I must admit it is difficult not to get obsessed about food when you are trying to lose weight. Then again if it works for some people then that is all that matters. That really is the thing, finding what works for you as a person. There are so many diets and weight loss plans out there and it is difficult to know which is best. As long as it is a healthy way and does no harm, then it is worth a try. However, there are many plans out there that are not healthy. When you are desperate to lose weight, perhaps for a holiday or a special occasion, you quite often want something that works quickly, but that's not really the answer, especially for those of us that have a lot of weight to lose. There lies the problem. How do you know what is right for you, you personally? As I have said a number of times in the past, we are all different and the one person who knows you, truly knows you, is... yes, you've guessed it! YOU! However, when you are new to losing weight, or have tried everything that's there and “failed”, you are always looking for the next thing to try. Now, before I carry on, let me just say that if you have lost weight before and “failed”, I believe you haven't failed at all even if you feel that way. You have just not found the right way for you. Some plans even depend on you thinking that you have failed, because then you will come back time and time again to that same plan because you believe it's a good one. I saw an interesting cartoon which showed two people talking and the conversation went...

“How are you going to lose weight for your holiday?"

“I am going back to *****slimming club. It's worked for me the last three times!” :-)

Now, are we wanting to lose weight over and over again, or do it once and lose it for good? Or, at least find a way to help us to have a more healthy relationship with food.

Think for one moment. Who is benefitting from this situation? You? Or the organisation? Of course, the choice is yours, as always.

What you need to be sure of is who is giving you the information that you are receiving to lose weight. Just because they are working for an organisation, or even have a qualification, they still may not fully know what they are telling you. A qualification could be in a completely different subject, or may not fully cover the subject they are telling you about. I have been reading the book “Food Isn't Medicine” by Dr. Joshua Wolrich, and in it he says that doctor's training in nutrition is limited compared to the extensive other training they do to earn their medical qualification. How many of us when a doctor tells us to lose weight get referred to a dietician? Not many, and even when you are, it can take months and months before you actually get to see one. When we try to lose weight by going to clubs or buying a weight loss plan do we really check if the person who is talking to us or selling the plan is fully knowledgeable and trained to help us. I am sure some are. There are two times that I myself have had the opportunity to give out weight loss information to the general public for money.

The first time was when I considered running a slimming club meeting for an independent company that was starting up. They knew I had lost weight, although not with them, and offered me two days training. That's twelve hours in total for me to learn how to teach their way. Now, twelve hours is not long time at all. I have qualifications in nutrition, but they weren't interested in that. They just wanted to give training on their diet and on their plan. They felt that was all that was needed to run a club. This was training to cover the plan and what to do. No training on the needs of the individual, and recognising which clients might need more help than others and the psychology of weight loss.

The second time I have been contacted was very recently. A quite well known company that sells meal replacements and supplements must have seen my blog and they contacted me to sell their products. They only knew, at the most, what I have written in my blog, but if they really read it, and payed attention to what I had written, beyond the fact that I had lost weight, then they would have known I would not have been interested. That is not the way that I lost weight and there is no way I would take money from someone to buy a company product to lose weight. I am sure that some who do sell these products care about who they sell them to, but there is a possibility that making money could be more important even if the product works long term or not.

How I lost weight is personal to me and personally tailored to me, by me. I have spent much time finding out about me and, with a few mistakes, have worked out what I need to do, still forever learning along the way. People do say to me quite a lot “Tell me what you have done to lose weight. I need to do it too”. I will always say I will tell you what has worked for me with pleasure, but it may not be the way for you. I can tell them the basics of what I have done, but it is not a new magical way, and they really need to think and research what is right for them. I am not an expert and I don't feel that just because I have lost seven stone plus I am qualified to give people advice. It is clear from my blog that there are many times when I have stumbled – and still do – but I am only responsible for myself. I also know that my way is the right way for me and I'll carry on to try to lose my last half stone. You can probably see from what I have just said that I have now decided to carry on with weight loss for a short time and, indeed, hopefully lose some more weight. I am around 13 stone 4 lbs at the moment and I think I would like to get down to around 12 stone 11 lbs, so another 7 lbs to go. I know it won't be easy and a lot of re-planning will need to be done. I am going away shortly for a week and then, after a holiday with the grandchildren, hopefully I'll be going into hospital for my hip replacement surgery. I am 25^th on the list at the moment, so nearly there. I am feeling quite positive. I have come this far. After a little while going around and around on my mind's roundabout, I now have my indicators on to turn off onto the road I need.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

xxx

DON'T COMPARE (DON'T BELITTLE WHAT YOU CAN AND HAVE DONE!)

 7^th July, 2021

I have been doing a lot of thinking since I wrote my last blog. I am beginning to feel better, and apart from still being very tired, my mind feels a lot clearer than it did. Having time to think is a real luxury that many of us do not value. Having that time to think, and the ability to think for ourselves without things getting in the way, can stop a problem long before it has time to grow into something more. Many times when something has gone wrong it may have been when so much else was happening and there was no time or strength for caution. Of course, it is also being aware that a potential issue is occurring . To be able to see something happening and hopefully stop it before it becomes a larger problem would have helped greatly in the past.

I have realised this is just what is happening to me at the moment. Firstly I had the issue of me being greatly overweight and this stopping me from being healthy and getting the operations I needed. I managed to start my journey, find the motivation, change the way I eat and start to lose weight. Looking back on it all now it all seems so hard to believe, but I did it. What happened in the next eighteen months is hard to remember now, but I must have done something right, as here I am seven stone lighter in weight. Time will pass no matter what you do, but the small things you do all add up as time passes. That was the second problem solved. How to adjust in a healthy and sustainable way the way I ate so I could lose weight.

There is so much information out there these days and we do not necessarily need an expert to tell us completely what to do. Of course, help is always good to have, but we are all individuals, all of us different and sadly no allowance is made for this. What is often classed as failure is, in fact, the common knowledge not covering the individual's needs. This is where it is good if we can think for ourselves. Hear what is being said, realising it's not quite for us and seeing if there is a way to customise it to our particular needs. Accepting that we are individuals and that we may not fit into the mould gives us the confidence to be, and do, what is right for us. So it is recognising the initial problem, finding the best way to solve it for us and then doing it. BUT I now recognise that I am at a stage where things have gone wrong for me in the past and I need to do something about it! In my last blog I mentioned the lady who started her weight loss journey at around the same weight I am now, in the thirteen stone range and how bad, unhealthy and fat she was feeling. I was feeling quite good about myself, but after reading this the doubt and confusion crept back in. Now I know anyone that knows me will, reading this, probably say “Jackie, don't feel like this, you have done so well” and I know that I have, but I am also, like a lot of us, an insecure human being. We are very good at comparing two things that are similar but not the same and putting ourselves down. If our nature is like this, this is what we tend to do. I have done this many times in the past, and I am starting to do it again now.

In the past I have lost a lot of weight and got down to a weight where I start to feel good about myself. Then, I hear of someone who is the same weight as me and feels unhappy about themselves because they are fat. I then start to lose who I am, what I have done, and my achievement seems to disappear. That, added to the age old thing of life's problems still being there whether or not you have lost weight, and it all could, and has in the past, go totally wrong. Except this time I am starting to be aware of what is happening. This could be the real point in this whole journey that things change for good. I know that I had to lose weight, I found the right way to do it, I lost enough body weight to equal the same amount as my grandchildren and, more importantly, I have realised just where it went wrong in the past and I know I can sort it out.

As I have said, we are all different and if we all try to be the same, things can go wrong. We need to recognise our own abilities, our own achievements and what WE want. Just because someone is starting their journey at a point where you are now does not – NOT – diminish the many miles you have already travelled. Whether you decide to stay at this point or carry on further is up to you. If you feel good, are happy with what you see in the mirror, then that is you. Whether you decide to lose more weight or stay where you are is your decision and nobody else's. Do not compare yourself to anybody else. They have come up from a lesser weight and are bigger, you have come down from a higher weight and are seven stone lighter. Do not, I repeat do NOT, compare yourself. Having said that, now I have realised where I have gone wrong before, I now need to work on what's best for me. It is my life, warts, loose skin and all, and I need a plan for the next stage. I know that losing weight does not take away all the other problems life throws at you, but they will still be solved as they always are, no matter what weight you are. So too can the issue of what weight I want to be and remain at .

Once you can see where things went wrong in the past, you can then put a plan into place to stop it happening and stop history from repeating itself. I really feel for that lady, not being happy with yourself is not good, but that is her issue to sort out and I am sure that she will. I will continue to remember what I am capable of doing and continue my journey on my own path.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx

BALANCE

 5^th June, 2021

We are now into the first week of June, and well over a week since I got weighed at the end of May. I survived the weigh-in. I would like to say I don't know what I was worried about but I do know. It will take me a long time to adjust mentally to this new way of living. It is so different to the times before, but I will come to that shortly.

I will start at the beginning. They do say it is a very good place to start :-) It has taken me nearly a week to muster up the energy and the motivation to write, even though writing always makes me feel so much better. My G.P. had prescribed me a new medication, and it affected the way I was thinking and my speech. I was then advised to stop taking it, but this made me feel so ill. I felt dizzy and sick, my balance was totally off kilter and I slept and slept and slept. I lost four days before I felt anywhere near as I should, and even now, a week later I am still so very tired. Now, as I mentioned, my balance at this time was even worse than usual. I have, along with other health issues, a condition called Ménière's disease , which can really effect my balance on a day to day basis. It makes it difficult for me to walk in a straight line, and I often bounce around like a ball in a pinball machine. This is because the Ménière's effects my ears and also my eye coordination. And all this without the aid of a single alcoholic beverage! :-) I don't actually drink alcohol much these days because of this, and also because of the number of calories alcohol has.

Balance is a strange thing, isn't it? You certainly know when you don't have it in oh so many ways. Finding balance helps when you are trying to walk in a straight line, and it also helps when you need to lose weight. When you know you need to cut back on what you eat and drink, but still not completely miss out on those things you really love to eat.

It can be done. I can truly say that during this weight loss attempt I have managed to find a balanced way to eat. Putting it in a simplistic way, I worked out the calories I needed to cut back on, and then worked out how to “spend” the calories I had left in a balanced and healthy way, leaving enough to spend on a higher calorie treat.

There are many apps and calculators on the internet that can help you work things out. A knowledge of the calorific content of foods helps, but all the information is out there. Balancing the calories eaten against the calories needed to live and use in movement and exercise all come together to enable weight loss.

Then comes the balance of making sure that you are not depriving yourself of the right nutrients you need, and also not cutting back too much on the amount of food you eat.

In past times I wanted to lose weight as quickly as possible and as much weight as I could each week. To do this I cut calories right back and I know now that that was a recipe for disaster. Yes, I lost weight quickly, but I learnt nothing and in time the weight  all came back on again. This time I have only lost a half pound to a pound a week, so it has been very slow, but it has meant I could eat far more food and I have found a far more balanced way to eat and live my life, without depriving myself.

I have lost weight, quite a large amount of weight over a long period of time, but this time I know that it has become a way of life. Slow, but sure, as they say. Eating is becoming less and less of an issue surrounded by “CAN'TS”. The “CAN'TS” are becoming more and more balanced with “CANS”. I enjoy being able to choose what I really want to eat – within reason, of course – and enjoy it with no feeling of guilt.

I know just what calories I can eat and I can balance the calories in the foods I want to eat so that I don't go over that amount. Now, that doesn't mean I can go crazy eating all the “naughty” foods, but I don't want to. I don't need to. I find that because I can eat what I want, I don't feel I have to cheat. I have found the balance of give and take. The pressure of being “good” has gone. I can balance the “good” with the so-called “bad”, even though now there are no titles. No good and no bad. Now comes the next bit :-)

I got weighed at the end of May and I now weigh 13 stone and 4 pounds (that's 186 lbs). From the end of April to the end of May I have lost 2 lbs, so I need not have worried about getting weighed daily. I didn't weigh myself for a whole month and I lost 2 lbs. I have only, I say only, lost 98lbs in total, not quite the 100lbs by my 100^th blog, but of course life doesn't work that way. That is still 7 stone (98 lbs). When I started my journey I was 20 stone, 4 lbs (284 lbs), now I am 13 stone, 4 lbs (186 lbs). I have gone from a size 26 UK dress size to a 16/18, and I feel a lot smaller, but I am not sure what to do next.

I need to find my own personal balance. I was beginning to feel happy, and rightly so, and then right in the middle of me not feeling well, a seed of doubt fell and began to try and grow. I was listening to an interview on social media where a lovely lady had lost weight. She started at 13 stone 8 lbs, not much above the weight I am now, and she felt fat and unhappy. I think she said she was a size 18, and now that she has lost weight she has become a wonderful size 12, the size that everyone wants to be. I think I am happy where I am, my achievement is not small, but this lady was unhappy at my weight. She is now happy at a size 12, but I don't think I want to be that small. I am not her, we are all different, but now I am beginning to doubt myself. I am letting that old friend emotion in and I am beginning to feel not good enough. I know that the way I am feeling is not a good way to feel, but self doubt can be an all-mighty enemy. I now have to find some kind of balance in this situation. What do I really want? Not what I feel I should do, but what I personally want now.

This is going to take a lot of thinking about, and much of that activity will be done before my next blog. Thank you for listening to a not quite 100% here Jackie.

Until next time,

Love and best wishes,

Jackie

xxx