INTERNAL SUNSHINE

 25^th September, 2021

Today it is five weeks since I had my hip replacement surgery, and when you look back on it, that time seems to have passed by quickly. I say look back on, because time seemed to go very slowly when I was in a lot of pain, but I am pleased now that pain is not as intense as it was. I still have pains, and perhaps will have for quite a while, but the pain from the operation has settled. What was definitely difficult to cope with was having to spend a long period of time just here in the house. Before the op what I could do was limited, but at least I could get out now and then. I have to have a sense of purpose and things to look forward to, and this operation took all that away from me in the short term. Having said that, since I wrote my last blog I have tried to be far more positive. I am now trying to eat in a more healthy way with less processed sugar, and I don't feel as bloated. On those terrible things that have numbers and a dial, I have lost 2 lbs and the dress I got for the wedding just fits me. I really could do with losing another half a stone (7 lbs) before the wedding for comfort, but I am heading in the right direction.

I was reminded when I tried the dress on just how the right clothes can help you feel so much better. I bought the dress online in the sale during lockdown last year, so it was always a bit of a risk, but I really do love that dress. It's lacy and a beautiful shade of green and when I put it on I smile when I look in the mirror. Part of that is because I look in it, but a bigger part is because of the colour. I love colour. Years ago I wore nothing much more than black partly because, looking back, I was not happy with myself and partly because I was large and wanted to make myself look smaller or disappear. Now, here's the thing, if you are not feeling your best and you wear black it is not going to make you feel any better. Also, if you are as large as I was back then, nothing you wear is going to really make you look smaller. What you are is what you are. A size 26 is a size 26 whatever colour it is! I only really started to wear more colour after losing weight in 2001 after my divorce and meeting Steve in 2003. Colour then very slowly became part of my wardrobe. I read something on the internet a few weeks ago. I can't remember all of it, but what I do remember was a girl saying if they are going to stare at me then I will give them something to stare at. It was in the context, I think, that people stared at this young girl because she was disabled and so she decided to wear the bright colours that she wanted to wear. Not to disappear into the background, but say proudly “Here I am! This is me, looking like I want to look!”

I remember thinking what a wonderful person to think this way. I want to be more like that. As I come out of this period of time stuck at home, I want to have the motivation to think about what I am going to wear when I go out. To put thought into my clothes. Always incorporating colour and the right accessories to go with my outfit, whether I am going out for the day, or just down into the village where we live. I want to feel the best that I can and if people do stare, I hope I am giving them something to think about.

Wearing the colours you feel good in can make a whole lot of difference to how you face your day. As we go into Autumn/Winter what we need is some internal sunshine to give us all a boost, and a simple burst of colour can help us to do this. Some of my time at home has been spent, when I can, slowly sorting out my clothes, putting my Summer things away and looking at what I need to add to the things I wear as the weather gets colder.

I feel motivated to move into the next few weeks with anticipation and excitement as to what I may find when I start to look for those things I need. I also look forward to writing about any charity shop finds I make, as I have so missed being able to visit the many shops we love to go to.

So, until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx

IT'S THE DOING THAT FOLLOWS THE SAYING

 

September 19^th, 2021

Here I am, four weeks post hip replacement surgery and it has definitely been a most interesting time for me :). There have been a lot of different emotions to cope with, for sure. Never easy, but for me, that used food in the past as a coping mechanism, I find that I am not as strong as I thought I was.

Having said that, I am also aware that I must eat a good amount of nutritious food to help my body to heal itself. I started thinking about when you are in pain and not sure what is “normal” and what isn't, and all the strong feelings that you have. It is so easy just to eat what is there and not really think about calories and how much sugar and fat things contain. It feels like I am weak and a bit of a failure, but no, come on Jackie, you are not going to fall into that trap. You haven't spent the last two years sorting yourself out to fall back into that trap, not when you've learnt so much. You are so much better than that. Yes you are.

When you are not at your best it becomes so easy not to be strong, but to be thinking about the way that I am feeling and wanting to start doing something just proves how strong I really am. I am just having one of life's little moments and I can cope with this. Having the wedding in November helps me to focus on what I need to do and at four weeks post op I am feeling that focus is what I need. I have had my dress for the day for about a year and there is no way that dress is going to be too small and me then having to dash out at the last minute to try and find something else. It wouldn't be the end of the world but I would know and I would not feel good about this.

With all these thoughts going through my head, the best thing I can do is write and put my thoughts down on paper. Firstly, looking at my weight situation. I weigh about 8 pounds more than I did just before my operation four weeks ago. That's not that much really, but it could become so much more if I don't seriously start to think about it. 2 lbs a week could so easily turn into a stone and a half by the time of the wedding and that, for me, matters. I want to look nice on the day, after all, who wouldn't? But there is also the fact that I want to be at peace with myself. That I am looking after myself the best that I can, both physically and mentally. I have said in the past that I was not in a good place mentally when I started this weight loss journey. Even though looking better was an added bonus, when I lost 102 lbs it was always about me conquering a weight issue that had been with me all my life. Being seriously overweight has always caused me a lot of issues and they are not issues I want back again. I have said from the beginning this time will be different, and it will. If this was a film I would have reached the bit where after everything seemed to be rosy and where it should be, something goes wrong and it all seems like this is the end. Then the character has a life epiphany and fights back to hopefully give the film a happy ending. :-) That is the film and this is life, but here I go.

This morning I had a “click” moment and I knew that I have to get back on track. No matter how much you want to do something, you have to have a “click” moment to get you back on the straight and narrow. When I was young I used to go to a Pentecostal chapel in our village. The sermons were not always riveting to a young person to be fair, but I always tried to sit in the same area of the chapel, where the pastor couldn't see me, but also because just there on the wall was a painting that I loved. It was technically about the road to Heaven and it intrigued me. On one side of the painting was a wide road with so much going on, but on the other side there was a small path that went to Heaven. Well that's how I remember it was (it was 52 years ago, after all :-)), but how I see it now is keeping the path to where I need to be as simple as possible and trying not to wander on to the other side with complications stopping me from reaching my goal.

So here I am with two months to go before the wedding, clear in my head once again on what I need to do.

This is not a negative post, so please don't feel sorry for me. What it is, is me saying I know what it is I have to do. This post is also very similar to my last one, but there is one big difference. The last post was saying I know what I need to do. This one is saying I know what I need to, and this is what I am going to do. Actions not words. Words are good, but it is the actions that get you to where you need to be.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

x x

IT'S UP TO ME!

 10^th September, 2021

I don't think I have ever felt as tired and worn out as I do at the moment. There must have been times, like when I had my babies, but I think the difference then must have been that I had no choice but to carry on. A little life was dependant on me then, and I just had to keep going. Now, when I am at home recovering from my hip operation I have nothing to keep going for during the day except for me. This is where bad habits can kick in, because it is easier not to bother. Says she who has just had to pick up five of my tablets from the floor with a grabber tool because they fell out of my nomad box! :-) I even did that just to stop the cats from eating them.

Seriously though, it is so easy to not bother when it's just us. Now, I know I should be taking it easier at the moment whilst I recover from my surgery, but there are still things I can and should do. I did commit to writing again, and because of this I should write. Especially as I know that my writing makes me feel so much better and it doesn't take much physical energy really. Especially now when what I can do physically is limited, so anyway I can keep my motivation going can only help. I talked so much about having this operation while I was losing weight, and it was one of my main motivations, but I don't think anything really prepared me for what it was going to be like. Someone told me at the weekend that they were waiting for the same operation and they had heard that they would be completely well within six weeks. Now, that could be the case, however I think that you have to prepare yourself for the fact that you may not be. We are all different and I don't think anyone can tell someone 100% how anything is going to be. Now I know I may sound negative, but I have always been better preparing myself for the worst and then anything better than that is a bonus. You may not agree with me, but it is how I have lived my life and it has got me this far.

While watching something on Youtube the other night, someone said “If you could change your life's experiences, would you?” I thought about this and my answer would be “No, I wouldn't”. Things have not always been easy and I may have experienced things that others haven't, but looking back now life is what it is. At the time, I may not have been in a good place many times, however when you are in the midst of what is going on, you can't do anything but do your best to get through it, survive it even. It may take it's toll at the time, but if you do get through it, you are grateful and learn so much. Obviously I know there are things in life far, far worse than I have experienced, but I am talking about MY life, MY experiences. As I have said, we are all different, with different lives and we only know what we know. With me, there have been many, many times when there has been no one there to help me but myself, and I got on with it the best way that I could. It has made me the person I am today, and I am so grateful for that now. I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was and that practicality kicks in when it is needed. Having said that, I know that at the moment I need to keep an eye on myself in the only way that I can, and nobody else.

When I came out of hospital I went into a slight panic attack about what I was eating, and how my weight would be. I craved sugar so much and also felt so bloated as I was eating far more than I had for a long time. There is nothing wrong with eating a good amount but of the right things. I know I can't lose weight at the moment and my limited mobility is, at the moment, even more limited. There is a responsibility to myself to eat what I need to eat to give me the energy to heal. When you have a tendency to have a weight issue I think you will always have that tendency. That is why people lose weight and put it back on. It has happened to me before. When you are strong you can be strong, but it is not so easy when you are feeling vulnerable. I realised panic is not going to help. Panic never helps. I have looked back on what I have achieved the last two years and know that I need to depend on everything I have learnt. It is up to me to sort it out and find the right balance. To do all I can to maintain the weight I am at the minute. Damage limitation. To eat as healthily as I can, but if I need to eat something, then eat it. There is nothing that can't be put right, it is just being aware. Being aware and doing something about it because only I can.

I move into week four of post op with a little more optimism than I have had recently, and I will continue to do the best I can. Of course, I am also learning from this experience to help me prepare for my next operation, whenever that might be. In the meantime, I have that very special wedding to look forward to before then and I can not wait! So, I will do what I have to do to get there. It's all up to me!

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx

WHAT AN INTERESTING MONTH

 6^th September, 2021

Well, August is over and what an interesting month it has been. I know I did the right thing to stop writing for a while. I love to write and it certainly has helped me through my weight loss journey, but to have a break even from things we love can be a good thing. The month started with our grandchildren coming to visit, and they stayed with us for ten days. We did a lot of things together and I am sure that I will write about our adventures as we move into September. I can definitely say we did things that me and Steve would never have done if it had just been us. After the grandchildren went, I had three days to prepare to go into hospital.

I went for my Covid test on the Wednesday, and then it was isolation at home for me and Steve for three days. I have spent time at home on many occasions but it feels so different when you HAVE to do it. :-) The time passed ok and as it happens a few problems arose that we had to deal with, so we didn't get bored. I am quite an organised person so I put things in place to help me when I came home.

Saturday morning arrived and off I went to the hospital, and apart from firstly going to the wrong place (not our fault), everything went to plan. Everybody was so good and so kind, and I met a lovely lady who was also having an operation.

I ended up being in the same ward as her post-op, which was great. We are very similar in age and in our values and I know moving forward we will keep in contact and develop a friendship. I was mostly quite calm the whole time. It had taken me a long time to get to this point and it felt very strange to be actually there. I had a spinal anaesthetic for the operation which was definitely a very strange experience. You can't see anything of the procedure, but you can hear a lot as you drift in and out of sleep from the sedative. At the time it felt like what I can only discribe as a strangely surreal experience but it wasn't until a while later that I thought about what it really felt like. All I can say is at that moment for the first time in many years I could feel no pain at all and I had no anxiety or worries. It was just utter calm, something that is hard to achieve in “normal” life. Of course, this didn't last for long before the post operation life kicked back in. It was all bearable, even coped with a Meniere's attack in the middle of the first night. There is a lot of pain and discomfort to deal with, and the next few days were definitely a steep learning curve, but the hospital staff definitely looked after us. I was in hospital for four days, and coming home definitely threw up a few issues, but Steve and I coped and Steve looked after me so well in a situation that neither of us have been in before.

I am here now just over two weeks post-op. Steve went back to work five days after I came home and I am managing. God willing I'm ready to get on with whatever life throws at me next. I will have to go back next year for a replacement knee joint, but for now I will put all my efforts into getting as well as I can. I know I have put some weight back on, but I am not worried. I know I have to get as well as I can. Size can go on the back burner just for now. Eating as healthily as I can will help me but I will eat what I need to be the best I can.

So, until next time I will put my pen down, but it's good to be back.

All for now,

Love, Jackie

xxx