2nd January, 2022
I am writing this on New Year's Eve, although it won't actually appear on my blog for a day or two. New Year is traditionally a time when we think about the last year and look forward to the next one. It's always good to look forward, but when you consider that others in this world have different New Years it didn't necessarily need to be today, but today is as good as any. We had a good Christmas. It was a little different, but for me and Steve different is the way we often like to be. This year we decided to not have the traditional Christmas dinner, and went instead to an Indian restaurant for a buffet lunch, and it was really nice, albeit a little bit noisy, but you can't have it all ways.
Christmas was different for me this year in the way I felt about food too. Last Christmas I found it really hard to eat the food I wanted to because I felt it was “bad”.Even though I did try to eat all the lovely treats like mince pies and chocolate it didn't last long. The pressure and guilt got too much for me. Even though at the time I thought it was great for me to be back on “plan” on Boxing Day, it was really because I couldn't relax and I was worried I would put on a lot of weight. I have read so much about how many calories you would have to eat to put a lb of fat on your body (and it is a lot) but last year I still worried. I had not learnt at that time to not let food be a problem. When I say problem what I mean is the obsession of not wanting to eat fatty, sugary foods because I was terrified of putting weight back on. I know back then I was waiting for my operation and then the wedding and to lose weight was important to me but it was fear and obsession that stopped any enjoyment there could have been Christmas 2020. As these needs for weight loss have passed I am starting to think differently. My weight did go up after the operation, then it went down again, and then it went up slightly with the wedding and went back down and then went up a little over Christmas. In the real world this is normal and should not be feared it is not the end of my slimmer Jackie world 😂 Not having that pressure of the fear of weight gain is a lovely feeling. Remembering that it is about health and how you feel about yourself and not only the number on the scale will help me to enter 2022 on track to what I want to achieve in the next twelve months. It has now been just over two years since I weighed 20 stones and 4 pounds. I have still been able to maintain my weight loss of just over 100 lbs give or take a few pounds so I must be doing something right. I have learnt so much about myself in that time and about the issues I have around food. It is so much easier now but it is not fully overcome. I don't know if it ever will be completely. With any other addiction, to abstain is a good start, but we have to eat to live. Not only that, but the issues that drive you to overeat are still there, even when you become slimmer. It is then you have to address those issues driving you to overeat again and not go around in that continual cycle.
The years go around and around in a circle and there is nothing we can do about that, but what we can do is break those cycles we put ourselves through throughout those years if we want to live a different life. There is no starting point to a circle, so perhaps I need to live the next year in a straight line with a beginning and some outcomes. It is so uplifting to be able to think about these outcomes and what they could mean to me and where they might lead me to. It is good to look back, we can learn so much, but let us not forget to also look forward, and who knows just what memories we will have on December 31st 2022.
Here's to twelve months of trying and hopefully succeeding.
Until next time,
Love, Jackie
xx
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