18th February 2022
I went out last Saturday on a very cold and wet afternoon to hear a talk by Katie Portman entitled “Why Fear Can Be Your Best Friend” at a local book shop.
I had last seen Katie two years ago at the launch of her first book “A Little Pick Me Up”, and it was her that was one of the inspirations for me to start blogging again. It was really strange to be able to go out to hear a talk again and it was so apt that one of my first was by Katie. As I sat there listening to her speak and talk about fear, I began to realise how far I have come in the last two years. I started to write again and reinvent myself just as the Covid lockdown hit us all. I was at the beginning of my last weight loss journey and at the time I knew that a drastic problem (my health and weight issues) needed drastic action. It was like a lots things are, a situation that you find yourself in that needs dealing with, and you don't consciously think about how hard it is going to be. It needs to be done and you do it. How many times in the past have we dealt with problems in our lives like that? Your back is against the wall and you have to think on your feet, but you do it and move on!
Do we ever take the time to think about just what we have done and how hard it really was? I don't think we do. We don't give ourselves credit for what we have done. It needed doing and we did it but we may have been so brave to actually make that decision. In my past it hasn't always been plain sailing. Deciding what to do when it was only me with no one to ask was difficult. I often could not find a way out straight away and when a solution did come it wasn't always in the way that I expected.
I wrote in my poem “The Dog” (I do wonder if I should change the title :-)) how I was too young and, later on, too busy surviving to really know what was happening. I think too that if you did think too much about the task you would be too scared to do it. Sometimes you do have to go for things and trust that you are on the right road. It is only as you get older that you have time to really think a bit about what have you have done in your life and really think to yourself “Did I do that”? So many memories, both good and bad come flooding back. Times when I was really afraid, but life happened and I am still here.
When I saw Katie two years ago I had just about hit rock bottom. Circumstances around that time had left me numb inside. Any energy I had left was given to everyone else as I always do, and I had no feelings left for myself. I didn't want to think about my health, my appearance or anything really but I knew something had to be done, and done it was. Looking back, during Katie's talk last week I realised just how far up the right road I had come and I felt very emotional. This Jackie is still a work in progress, but she definitely is a very different Jackie. It's not always been easy. I do still slip back inside myself at times, but I know now when I am there and know ways to help myself feel better. I want to hold on to the Jackie that is here now. My blog has helped me so much to unravel just how I feel. When it is written down on paper, it's not in my mind anymore. :-)
My weight loss journey continues. I am hoping to have a knee replacement May time this year and referrals have now gone in for a further hip and knee replacement on my other side. Because of my other health issues I know I have to continue to look after myself , and look after myself I will, being as brave as I can be, always keeping fear in perspective.
Lots of love,
Until next time,
Jackie
xx
THE DOG
The dog needs a name,
It needs to be recognised.
It comes to remind me of what I have been through,
What I have survived.
In the past I have been in bad, terrible, stressful situations.
I was too young and in later years too busy just surviving to even know what it was,
That I felt the way I did because it was there,
Constantly chewing away in my head.
Times and things changed, I thought it had gone away,
But it was loyal,
As dogs are,
And would visit constantly to trouble me.
I had failed.
I couldn't keep it away, it would return time and time again.
It wouldn't leave me in peace.
Then one day it happened.
I realised that the dog would always be there,
It would never ever fully go away,
It had a purpose and would always be there!
It was me that had to learn to live with it,
Know that under all that fur when it had been given a good trim,
It wasn't as big as I thought it was.
We could live together.
I was beginning to realise that I could learn how to be the master,
It could do it's job to remind me what I had survived,
That I could be strong,
I was still here!
While accepting who the dog was, I had also started to accept myself,
For who I was,
To believe in who I am,
That I am the one that matters.
The dog does need a name,
It needs to be recognised,
It's name is Depression,
But through that recognition, for me it's powers have and will continue to dwindle.
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