6th May, 2021
In my last blog I wrote about how I felt when I wore my denim skirt. In reality it was one of the few things that fit me and I did not feel frumpy in. I felt half good. I say half good because deep down inside I have never, until very recently, felt worthy of feeling good about myself. I always give to the ones I love (and to others in need) 100%, and always will, but fall short of giving that to myself. When I come close to that I feel wonderful, so why do I deny it to myself? I'd like to say I don't know, but really it is because of those times in my life I have been made to feel unworthy, and those feelings stick with you. Instead of fighting back and saying “hold on a minute”, you think that person knows more than me, they are older, wiser, more experienced, or they have qualifications, so what they are saying must be right. Well, what they are saying might be right at some level, but if it makes someone feel inferior and hinders rather than helps, then it certainly isn't right.
When you are ill, in pain and not strong – mentally or physically – it is so easy to be made to feel a lot worse. Not a good start to self improvement. If you were to go to a slimming club and the leader said to you “What have you done to yourself, you fat woman?”, or “You are far too fat for my advice and attention!”, do you think you'd go back? Probably not. Of course, they are not going to say such things because they rely on our custom for their income. Now, when you go to see an N.H.S. professional here in England, that can be quite different. I heard a saying “Your health may not be affected by the size you are, but the size you are may affect your health”. What I feel that means is that just by looking at someone's BMI and their weight does not cover the whole issue when that person seeks medical help. There are many, many times in my life I have experienced what I have now come to know as “weight stigma” within the medical profession. Weight stigma exists in many walks of life and affects many of us at different levels, but the one that has been most relevent to me in recent years has been in the medical profession.
I still remember how I felt back in my early twenties standing on a platform in nothing much more than my underwear and a short gown, with a specialist looking and examining my legs and telling me ten minutes or so later that no, he would not remove my varicose veins because I was overweight. I must have been about 12, 12 ½ stone at the time, but no, the rules had just changed and I was too big. I still have those veins today, underneath my long skirts or trousers that I wear, but at 62 years old I now look at them when I am on my own and think of them as my battle scars. I have also been told in following years that I was too big for an X-ray, a scan machine and other procedures or how hard my size was making it for the so-called “professional” to do their job.
A lot of the time I just tried to ignore what they were saying. Even when a nurse who was nearly my size gave me a lecture of how being overweight is not good for you. A perfect example of the kettle calling the saucepan burnt bottom 🤣 A lot of do as I say, not as I do! Those of us that have struggled with our weight know exactly how it is.
One of the hardest times, and one I have written about before, was about six years ago, when I saw the first specialist about the pain in my knee. He bluntly told me that yes, I needed a knee replacement, but he wouldn't do it because I was too much overweight,bluntly fat and in his opinion fatter people's self hygiene was not as good and because of that they didn't heal well, so it would be a waste of his time to do it. At that time I weighed about 14 stone, having lost 10 stone in 2014, and it had just – only just – started to creep back on. I had still lost 6 stone from my largest weight, but I was not worth his time until I was at the point that he didn't see me as fat. I seem to remember that a weight of 10 or 10 ½ stone was mentioned, but by this stage I was in so much pain that I had started to mentally switch off from it all.
Back to my denim skirt. When you feel good you can take on the entire world, but when you are knocked down at your weakest it is a downward spiral. As simple as you look good, you feel great, battle won. Then a few unkind or unsympathetic words and suddenly you feel the battle is lost. It sounds very simplistic, but there it is, and over the next few years I strarted to feel worse and worse. I never really found any strength in myself to fight back. And then, because one GP heard and listened to what I said, I had an opportunity to see a different specialist and there was then a chance of things changing. He still said I would need to be a certain BMI to have my surgery, but the respect that I received from him helped me to believe it was worth a try. I still remember how good I felt when I came from the appointment that day. It was like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Someone had given me hope and had treated me with dignity, respect and worth. Now here I am a year later, still waiting for surgery, now on a hip and possibly both knees, but seven stone lighter and with some hope for the future.
Weight stigma still exists and it definitely depends on what frame of mind you are in as to how it affects you. People are starting to fight it and the attitudes of some medical professionals are changing. Some are seeing the flaws that some ideas rooted in weight stigma can bring to light.
One of these medical professionals is Joshua Wolrich. He has written a book called “Food Isn't Medicine. Challenge Nutrib*llocks & Escape the Diet Trap”. I am about half way through at the moment and it makes very good reading so far. At some point in the future I will write about what I thought of it. I will finish my blog here, but I hope I have been able to put across just how important it is to feel good about ourselves. It can be the difference between being able to stick up for ourselves in a difficult world, or just slipping helplessly into depression and self-despair, feeling unworthy and not having a right to be here.
We are all worthy. We all have a right to be the best we can be, and receive what we deserve. Never give up, no matter how hard it might be.
Until next time,
Love, Jackie
xx
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