13th May, 2021
Three years ago this coming July I finally gave up work. I hadn't worked full time since 2010, but working part time was a good balance to my life, far better than a stressful full time job, and far, far better than the time I had to work both a full time and a part time job together just to be able to pay the bills and give my children what they needed, as I wasn't getting any support from their father. Thankfully that didn't go on for too long, and I was able to find an income that we could survive on. I have always had to work, as we all do, to live the life we live. No matter what income you have, you find a way to cope. My love of charity shops and eating good food on a budget comes from those days, when it was not so much a choice, but knowing how to survive in the best way you could , which is a good skill to have.
When we came to live in Yorkshire, I only needed to work part time as Steve works full time, and as much as you do moan about going out to work, it is good to mix with people and feel that you have some worth in life.
Then, as I said, three years ago I finally gave up work, not really 100% because I wanted to, but because I was in so much pain. It was taking it out of me just getting myself there, doing the work and getting myself home again. My quality of life was not great. It has taken me a long time to adjust to this and really know that I still have value and worth, even though I don't go out to work and have an income. That has been such a valuable lesson to learn. I personally have done my time giving and now I have time to be able to give to myself. I can find new ways to mix with people and spend my time in a constructive and valuable way. So often we give ourselves mixed messages about worth, we truly do not always know who we are. A these times there is nearly always someone there who, in whatever way, will jump in and tell us the best to find it, how we can be the best person ever! Even if we not really sure, it's so easy to follow the one who is so confident, especially if we do not feel so confident ourselves.
With me, especially as I spent the early years of my life being controlled in such a strong manner, and then having to fight just to survive,it is lovely now for me to be able to find my own way, my own value and my own way of living. Having said that, there are times that I must admit I sort of got it wrong and one of those times was to do with food and weight management.
Now, I am not making a big confession that what I have done this last year and a bit is all wrong, I have fibbed about losing weight and it is all back on again! Sorry, I don't mean to sound so flippant, all of this is real, although sometimes it is hard to believe, but what I mean is about how I looked at weight loss before. How I thought it was a job that needed to be done. Sort of like cleaning a car and then driving straight through mud again, rather than looking for a cleaner road. That is not a great example, to be honest, I must try to explain it better.
Back in 2012 I was sent to see one of the G.P.s at our surgery. My diabetes was out of control and I was told I had to go and see him. He wore a long black coat and a black hat when out of the surgery, and he had desk with a glass top that looked like a coffin, but I digress. I went in to see him and his first words were to me “Do you want bariatric surgery?” I said NO! Now, please don't get me wrong, I have nothing against anyone who chooses to lose weight this way, and a more educated me now knows it is just as hard for them to lose weight and keep it off , but it just wasn't for me. In my mind, it would take away the way of eating that I loved forever, and all I had to do was restrict myself for a short time and lose the weight and then go back to the way I ate before Job done! Of course, it's not like that at all, is it?
I had to find a middle way. When I read about people losing weight and then regaining it, I do get frightened, because this has happened to me in the past and I don't want it to happen to me again. I have to find this magical middle way and, do you know what, I have realised that it is not as magical as I thought it was. Even though I didn't want the bariatric surgery because I didn't want my eating life to change, I have to accept that it does have to change, just in a different way.
I can never go back to the way I used to eat, and to be perfectly honest, I don't think I would want to. I am beginning, much to Steve's amusement, to realise if I have eaten too much chocolate, or that I only want one sausage instead of two. My tastes have definitely started to change.
So to finish today, what I am trying to say is that if anyone diets and does not change their lifestyle it will not work in the long term. Eating habits, in whatever way we do it, must change in order for the weight to stay off.
When we decide what is best for us, we need to find the right way to do it, a way that we can keep to in a sustainable way and do it. The mountain may be large, but step by step, you'll get there and the view from the summit is just beautiful.
Until next time,
Love, Jackie
xx
P.S. Here's a thought for you to mull over. Do you think that a person, who has never had a weight issue in their life, ever knows on a daily or weekly basis if they have put weight on, or lost it? Probably not, they may realise the waistband on their trousers feels a little snug, but that's about it. Wouldn't it be lovely to put the scales away and be like that without a care in the world? I feel another blog coming on :-)
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