3rd December, 2021
It's only been three weeks since I last wrote in my blog, but it feels like forever. Such a lot seems to have happened in that time. We had a great time at our son and daughter-in-law's wedding, and we were also able to visit my mother-in-law, who I hadn't seen for almost three years. She lives two hundred and fifty miles away in the middle of the countryside and with limited access, so with my mobility issues it is no easy task for me to get there. And, of course the Covid restrictions and my recent hip operation have also played a large part in taking so long to see her.
We were away from home for a week and by the time we got back I was worn out, both physically and mentally. It was lovely to see so many people and share such a beautiful day with my son and his new wife, especially as it has taken over a year and two previous attempts to get there due to various lockdowns and Covid restrictions.
It was truly a wonderful day. We met so many family members, including my nephew, his wife, son and son's partner who had flown in from America. They also came to visit us at home on the Tuesday just after we got back, which was great, even though we had only been home for six hours having got back at 6 o'clock that morning. :-)
While I was away, thoughts of weight loss completely left my mind. My dress did fit :-) and it was a relief not to have to worry about my outfit as mother of the groom anymore. The dress fitting me had become a real consern, which really was a small worry compared to all the other issues that needed to be thought about by other people, but I wanted to be there, be as confident as I could be for my family and do them proud. I must say at this point that standing up in the church in front of over a hundred people to do my reading was really scary, especially following a professional, but I did it, and what a relief it was.
Strangely, after that point I felt so very hungry, just wanting to eat. And eat I did! The food was beautiful and I enjoyed it so much. However, what has been really hard since is to stop! It's like I only have two modes – eating/not eating. Now I know it's not like that at all, but these last ten days or so have been very strange. I have felt very down and I have not been sure what to do with myself.
Really looking forward to something so much, working towards it and then it's happened you're left with a feeling of what next? I know I still have to have a knee replacement operation, but just now that does not feel real at all. After the 15th of December, when I see the specialist, that may change, but right now it seems to be out there in the fog, and that fog is very thick and hard to see through.
I know that weight management is not a game of two parts. By this I mean that I know it not just a matter of losing weight and putting weight back on. I know there is a middle ground. It's so hard at the moment though to really think about what I am eating only that I want to eat a lot of the things I shouldn't eat of a lot of! :-)
But my learnt habits are starting to kick back in. I know that my weight may have risen a little over the last two weeks, but you know something? It doesn't matter! Yesterday I went for my annual diabetes review and they weighed me in at 13 stones and 12 pounds. Last November at my last review I weighed 14 stone and 13 pounds, so I am a stone and a pound less than I was this time last year.
Now, this is where the new Jackie kicks in. The old Jackie would have said you have weighed less than that in the last year. You have weighed 13 stone, and now you weigh 12 pounds more and you have failed. It is all over. You are going to put all that weight you have lost this time back on. The yo-yo has returned. YOU HAVE FAILED!!!
Now I am relieved to say the new Jackie thinks...... Yes I may weigh 12 pounds more than my lowest weight I have been on my scales however there is a difference of seven pounds between my scales (where I weighed 13 stone until recently) and the doctors, making me 13 stone 5 pounds on my scales at home. When you also consider that I usually weigh myself first thing in the morning wearing light nightwear and before eating, whereas at the doctors I wore Winter clothes and I had eaten lunch shortly before being weighed it actually wasn't that bad.At the review I was still a stone and a pound lighter than I was last November and what a year it has been since!
So, Jackie, continue looking at the positives. Life can be hard, but you can always find positives. I must always try to remember this. My new habits can and have kicked back in and now I need to look forward to the next year and whatever it brings.
This is me,
I am what I am,
I am still here
I will do my best to continue to move forward, doing, as always, the best I can to be the best person I can be.
Hopefully there's a lot more to come
Until then,
Love, Jackie
xxx
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