5th June, 2021
We are now into the first week of June, and well over a week since I got weighed at the end of May. I survived the weigh-in. I would like to say I don't know what I was worried about but I do know. It will take me a long time to adjust mentally to this new way of living. It is so different to the times before, but I will come to that shortly.
I will start at the beginning. They do say it is a very good place to start :-) It has taken me nearly a week to muster up the energy and the motivation to write, even though writing always makes me feel so much better. My G.P. had prescribed me a new medication, and it affected the way I was thinking and my speech. I was then advised to stop taking it, but this made me feel so ill. I felt dizzy and sick, my balance was totally off kilter and I slept and slept and slept. I lost four days before I felt anywhere near as I should, and even now, a week later I am still so very tired. Now, as I mentioned, my balance at this time was even worse than usual. I have, along with other health issues, a condition called Ménière's disease , which can really effect my balance on a day to day basis. It makes it difficult for me to walk in a straight line, and I often bounce around like a ball in a pinball machine. This is because the Ménière's effects my ears and also my eye coordination. And all this without the aid of a single alcoholic beverage! :-) I don't actually drink alcohol much these days because of this, and also because of the number of calories alcohol has.
Balance is a strange thing, isn't it? You certainly know when you don't have it in oh so many ways. Finding balance helps when you are trying to walk in a straight line, and it also helps when you need to lose weight. When you know you need to cut back on what you eat and drink, but still not completely miss out on those things you really love to eat.
It can be done. I can truly say that during this weight loss attempt I have managed to find a balanced way to eat. Putting it in a simplistic way, I worked out the calories I needed to cut back on, and then worked out how to “spend” the calories I had left in a balanced and healthy way, leaving enough to spend on a higher calorie treat.
There are many apps and calculators on the internet that can help you work things out. A knowledge of the calorific content of foods helps, but all the information is out there. Balancing the calories eaten against the calories needed to live and use in movement and exercise all come together to enable weight loss.
Then comes the balance of making sure that you are not depriving yourself of the right nutrients you need, and also not cutting back too much on the amount of food you eat.
In past times I wanted to lose weight as quickly as possible and as much weight as I could each week. To do this I cut calories right back and I know now that that was a recipe for disaster. Yes, I lost weight quickly, but I learnt nothing and in time the weight all came back on again. This time I have only lost a half pound to a pound a week, so it has been very slow, but it has meant I could eat far more food and I have found a far more balanced way to eat and live my life, without depriving myself.
I have lost weight, quite a large amount of weight over a long period of time, but this time I know that it has become a way of life. Slow, but sure, as they say. Eating is becoming less and less of an issue surrounded by “CAN'TS”. The “CAN'TS” are becoming more and more balanced with “CANS”. I enjoy being able to choose what I really want to eat – within reason, of course – and enjoy it with no feeling of guilt.
I know just what calories I can eat and I can balance the calories in the foods I want to eat so that I don't go over that amount. Now, that doesn't mean I can go crazy eating all the “naughty” foods, but I don't want to. I don't need to. I find that because I can eat what I want, I don't feel I have to cheat. I have found the balance of give and take. The pressure of being “good” has gone. I can balance the “good” with the so-called “bad”, even though now there are no titles. No good and no bad. Now comes the next bit :-)
I got weighed at the end of May and I now weigh 13 stone and 4 pounds (that's 186 lbs). From the end of April to the end of May I have lost 2 lbs, so I need not have worried about getting weighed daily. I didn't weigh myself for a whole month and I lost 2 lbs. I have only, I say only, lost 98lbs in total, not quite the 100lbs by my 100th blog, but of course life doesn't work that way. That is still 7 stone (98 lbs). When I started my journey I was 20 stone, 4 lbs (284 lbs), now I am 13 stone, 4 lbs (186 lbs). I have gone from a size 26 UK dress size to a 16/18, and I feel a lot smaller, but I am not sure what to do next.
I need to find my own personal balance. I was beginning to feel happy, and rightly so, and then right in the middle of me not feeling well, a seed of doubt fell and began to try and grow. I was listening to an interview on social media where a lovely lady had lost weight. She started at 13 stone 8 lbs, not much above the weight I am now, and she felt fat and unhappy. I think she said she was a size 18, and now that she has lost weight she has become a wonderful size 12, the size that everyone wants to be. I think I am happy where I am, my achievement is not small, but this lady was unhappy at my weight. She is now happy at a size 12, but I don't think I want to be that small. I am not her, we are all different, but now I am beginning to doubt myself. I am letting that old friend emotion in and I am beginning to feel not good enough. I know that the way I am feeling is not a good way to feel, but self doubt can be an all-mighty enemy. I now have to find some kind of balance in this situation. What do I really want? Not what I feel I should do, but what I personally want now.
This is going to take a lot of thinking about, and much of that activity will be done before my next blog. Thank you for listening to a not quite 100% here Jackie.
Until next time,
Love and best wishes,
Jackie
xxx
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