27th June, 2021
I will still be away as this blog goes live. As I have said many times before, my blogs are never really planned, they never have been. They have always been a way for me to clear my head of thoughts of confusion, doubt, worry and lack of confidence amongst other things, which then helps me to be more resolved to be who I am and to do what is needed.
I wish in many ways I would have been writing years ago when I had so many things to deal with, but then I suppose I was too busy just coping, but it would have helped in the middle of the night when I was racked with worry, I am sure. Writing has certainly helped with my peace of mind. The only downside to this per se is I only get the one opinion (well, most of the time :-) ), but it's better than worrying about something that may not happen. In those days it was worrying about surviving, now it's just thinking rather than worry the way that life is.
Now, that brings me on to the something I have seen a lot of recently that I have thought above. Some things do happen that we have little or no control over. One of those things is age, it happens to us all, but some of us deal with it better than others. I maybe wrong when I say this, but it seems to worry women more than it does men. It does worry men, but more in terms of strength and what they can't seem to do as well physically as they used to. With women, it's more often about losing their looks. I must admit that with me it has been more the things I can't physically do now because of my health problems, but I suppose that would have been me even when I was younger, however getting older does not help. It does annoy me when I am out and about and people comment and assume that I am in pain and use a walker just because I am “old”. I am only 63 years old. A lot of my health conditions are more related to past stress, lifestyle and genetics (DNA), not just a result of my getting older. I suppose some of those who comment are a similar age to me and it makes them feel better that their health is better than mine. I know that with me first appearances probably don't help. My hair is almost white now, and I have to use a walking frame, so I suppose some people think I am older than I actually am. Put that together with hearing problems, issues with my balance and the occasional slow speech and, well, what can I say? Except that if you really know me then you would know that I am not really that old, especially in my way of thinking. Those that don't know me don't really count when it comes to how I now think about myself, and that is the most important part. I am now quite confident as to how I look. I do like to look good, I think about what I'm going to wear, I use make-up to enhance what I have, but that is really as far as it goes. Many women a lot younger than me have fillers in their skin and go for cosmetic surgery. Well, if that makes them feel better then that is their choice, but it's certainly not for me. I will work with what I have got myself. I can't do a heck of a lot to make myself walk better without falling down but I can do all that I can to look the best I can. Age happens to us all, there is no escaping it, and those that live to an older age, as long as they have their independence, are the fortunate ones. Every line and sag that I have is a memory and a medal of the life I have had, and of who I am, and I will keep it that way. Having said all that, it doesn't mean I can't have fun choosing and wearing what I want to wear!
This brings me to the next thing that niggles at me. Size perception and clothes sizing. They are two completely different things, but sort of go together. I have lost seven and half stone now and I look and feel a lot slimmer. To those that know me I am a lot smaller. I lost 7 inches from my bust, 12 inches from my waist and 10 inches from my hips, so I know that I am smaller. However, I weigh 13 stones and 3 pounds, so for a person of 5 foot and 5 inches I am still a lot bigger than some health professionals not to mention the fashion industry and some other parts of society think I should be. Now, I know that this does not matter, I know that I am smaller and healthier and that is what matters. There are so many people out there that don't recognise who they are or what they have achieved. As one who was in that position for so many years, I know what that feels like. No one should feel like that and no one should make then feel that way, either intentionally or unintentionally. Now, I know you may think that it is different for someone to do it unintentionally, but it isn't. That's still someone who doesn't know you – or even worse DOES know you – making a comment about size and how it matters. Health is one thing, one important thing, but looks are something completely different. In the sense that we should not need to be teeny and under a certain size to look good. We should all be able to look good and wear whatever we want to wear no matter what size we are. I feel so passionate about this. It has taken me so many years to feel this way, and luckily I don't now see them as wasted years, but there are so many younger people out there who feel that they are not good enough because of their size. It is a lot easier to buy some clothes now than it was when I was younger, and a lot more larger girls are finding the confidence to dress the way they want to, but there is still a lot of room for change. Someone who has been small for all of their life may not see sizing as a problem and even talk about the fuss larger people make as unimportant, but it is so important. If something or someone makes a person feel bad it is certainly important. It is, as they say, the one who wears the shoe who really knows where it hurts. Larger high street stores and companies like ASOS are now recognising there is a market for larger people to buy from, but smaller boutique and specialist shops can still get size oh so wrong. How can a UK size 14 be classed as a large or even extra large and be the largest size they do? Now, what they sell is up to them. But for so many people who are larger than that it can make you feel unworthy if you wanted to buy something and you couldn't because it was supposedly “extra large” and still didn't fit you. And, if the boutique owner was then to go on to say something without thinking, then that could make things even worse. I went into one a few days ago that was in a more up-market complex. I was looking at a dress in the sale and the owner said to me that she would look in the back to see if she had any larger sizes. She came back and said that she didn't. I said that's a shame as I didn't think the one that I was holding would fit me. She replied, rather bluntly “No it wouldn't! It doesn't even fit me”! Now, looking at her I wouldn't have said she was that much smaller than me, but she obviously thought she was. Now that's okay, and it just made me chuckle inside, but that comment could have really hurt someone, and as far as I was concerned she had just lost the sale of anything else she might have had that I liked. I may have even thought as I walked out of the shop that it had hit a nerve and I didn't feel comfortable there. We should all have the right, whoever we are, however old we are, however large we are, to be treated fairly and with dignity. We don't know what the person we are looking at has been through, or still going through and age and size should not matter.
I feel that there is so much more to write about this, but for now I will stop. I think I have said enough this time, but I will be back and I am sure the rest while I have been away will have done me a lot of good.
Until next time,
Love, Jackie
xx
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