I AM GOING AWAY

 24^th June, 2021

I am going away, in fact by the time that you read these words, I will have already gone. I am so looking forward to it, even though I am going to be travelling there and back on my own. I will be on a coachwith other people, but you know what I mean. I am travelling down to the South of England, about 250 miles from where we now live, to see family. Firstly to my son and his fiancée, and then on to my daughter, son-in-law and our grandchildren. It's been about a year since I've seen them, and my, what a year it has been. I am nervous about the travelling, but I have booked driver assistance and I know I will be looked after. I have done it so many times before, but lockdown has changed so many things and there's still a lot of uncertainty how things are going to be.

It is going to be lovely but very different from me being here controlling what's going on around me. Control is such a strange word, isn't it? So many things are out of our control, but I mean things like our usual daily routines and food. Food is the scary one. Food plays a big part of socialising, being with people and also, of course, Weight Management. There will be times whilst I am away that it will not be as easy to control what I eat, and the amounts. I do know I am a lot more confident around food now, but I know I will still need to be aware of balance. It's not the end of the world if I do eat a little bit more than usual, that's what going away means, and I will be able to put myself back on track once I get back home. One occasion while I'm away is going to sample the food that is going to be served at my son and his fiancée's wedding. I am looking forward to that, as I have said before, I do love good food. In the past when I was on a diet, something like this would have scared me, and I know that probably I would have used it as an excuse to carry on eating all day. It was very much all or nothing in those days. I would restrict my calorie intake right down to lose weight as quickly as possible and then the minute I was going to eat something “bad” would just think “Oh well, all is lost” and carry on binging for the rest of the day. Then the next day I would feel so so bad and restrict what I ate to try to catch up again.

Of course, it never worked. It was no way to live and could not be a way that you could live like for long. It should never be all or nothing. We know or should know that is all about balance. Going over the allowance occasionally will not result in all the weight going back on overnight. As much as it used to scare me to death, eating good food while I am away will not result in an urgent trip to the shops to replace clothes,the ones that no longer fit, to save me travelling back home in a state of undress. It doesn't work that way at all. I will be able to have my birthday cake and eat it! :-)

The other thing that does scare me, and you'll think I'm mad when I say this, is seeing people that I haven't seen for over a year. Not my immediate family, of course, but all the other people that know me. I know that I look so much different and people will probably comment. I am proud of me and it is nice that people notice, but I am really not that comfortable talking about myself. Says she who writes a blog every week, but that is a bit different. That is just me saying what is in my head, writing it on a page and then it is done and dusted. It's not facing people and chatting about me and answering all their questions. It definitely sounds wrong now I am writing it down because I have always wanted to be a public speaker. I think it's just nerves and not wanting to be the centre of attention at family gatherings, but as always I am probably overthinking things instead of taking them one step at a time. I AM proud of myself, my confidence has grown and I know most of the answers. I know I will be fine. I really am looking forward to going away. Honestly! I know I will have a lovely time. The best bit will definitely be seeing my immediate family.

It is funny, isn't it, the things that scare us? Confidence is a very strange thing. If you have confidence you are strong – well, you feel strong, at least – about the way you look and behave. If something or someone takes your confidence away you feel weak and downtrodden. I spent a great many years with someone who slowly took my confidence away and I fought so, so hard to get it back. Once the confidence is there we sometimes have to fight so hard to keep it there because the quality of life is so much better with it. You feel like you can take on the world one bit at a time. It's not really confidence that goes in a new situation really. It's nerves that rear their whitherly heads making you feel anxious, chipping away at the thoughts in your head. Don't forget though, Jackie, that nerves can be good thing too, like any tool that can be put to a good use. Nerves can help you focus, to raise the effort to deal with what you are about to do. It's said that all important people are nervous before a great event, and I am sure that goes for Generals, actors, politicians (sorry for using the P-word), teachers etc., etc. The list goes on. Nerves can be put to good use, and what I have is nerves about travelling 250 miles by myself. I know when the time comes, I will be fine. Once in the situation, I will deal with it in the best way I can and enjoy every minute of it. Then BANG! Before you know it the holiday will be over and it will be back to ordinary life. There is so much more to look forward to before the year's end. I am sure I will write about my trip once I am back, so until then,

Love, Jackie

xx