FITTING IN

26^th April, 2021

I have really felt that in this last week or so, that life is beginning to wake up again. The weather here in the U.K. is getting better and the sun has been shining. This always makes me feel so much better. To be able to go out without a coat and start to wear spring/summer clothes again just cheers me up and gives my confidence a real boost. As well as this, to be able to go to the hairdressers – well it definitely starts to make me feel better.

It won't be long now before I am able to travel and see my family, which will just put the cherry on the cake. I have not seen my daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren since August last year, and my son and future daughter-in-law for over a year. It has not been an easy year for so many of us on a number of different levels, so anything that makes us feel better is such a bonus.

At the moment, for me, if the weather is good and I can get dressed up and go out, even if it's only for an hour or two, then I feel so much better. The pain I am in is getting worse and worse now, especially at night, so I am trying so hard at the moment to put a positive spin on things until I can finally get the surgery I need. I know I will never be 100%, but anything over 70% I will accept. :-)

I am one of those people that always seem to come across as talkative, loud and confident, but deep down inside I am not. I have learnt over time not to beat myself up mentally over that voice in my head at 3 o'clock in the morning that is putting me down. But what people in the outside world see is Jackie and the mask she wears, not always the real Jackie at all. Just ask my husband. :-)

However, I do my best. Life is short and you have to make the best of the gift of life you have been given. I have gone through a lot of changes in my 62 years, and it so true that life's experiences make you just who you are. Life isn't always easy but looking back on mine now I have grown so much from my experiences and I am a survivor. More than this I am now beginning to say I am an individual and I'm allowing myself to be me and I have to say it does feel good.

For so long through my childhood and early adulthood I didn't know who I was and I tried so hard to “fit in”. Many of us do, but for me I now realise it didn't work.

When I was a teenager I wanted to be like the thin people I knew and be able to wear the things that they did and do the things they did. I did my best, but it never worked. I remember how good it made me feel when I managed to find something to wear that was in fashion that fit me and when I had had my first relationships with boys, but it just wasn't the same. Sad to say I always felt like second best and I realise now that I had no one to talk to or encourage me to have the confidence I needed. This might have been why I fell into the relationship with my first husband, who knows? Even though I had always wanted to fit in because that's what I thought you did, I have always loved different people and things. A contradiction, I know, but I now know that I like to be different but never really had the confidence, so I tried to “fit in”. As I have said before, my first husband is a Sikh from the Punjab region of India, and from the age of 18 to my late 30s – early 40s I led a very different life in oh, so many different ways.

It wasn't all bad, and I am grateful for the two children I have and proud of who they are, the people I have met, the culture I have experienced and for all the positives of a different way of life.

Even in those years I did my best to fit in and be a “good” wife to my husband. I learnt to cook Indian food, learnt all I could about Sikhism and the beliefs and values of the Sikh way of life, and on many occasions wore Punjabi clothes. I can honestly say I loved it all and still do. I respect greatly the Sikh way of life and base much of how I live my life now on it, even though I don't have long hair anymore my heart is and always will be there.

I am grateful for the Indian food we all love and even though we do have takeaways and sometimes eat out (when we can) I am proud that I can also cook Indian food well (people tell me I can, so it must be that way :-) ).

Now we come to clothes. I have only worn Punjabi clothes a few times the last 18 years or so, but still love the materials, colours and practicality of them. I always have. When I first started wearing Punjabi salwar kameez I felt so special when we visited friends and family, and when we visited the Gurdwara (Sikh Temple) in Southall I felt I fitted in. The majority of people we met seemed to appreciate my trying, but I remember one occasion where my feelings were hurt big time.

We had gone to a party and I got all dressed up and felt great. Most of my Punjabi clothes were made for me, you couldn't buy so many in those days, by family at home or when we were in India by a tailor. They did a lovely job as far as I was concerned and I felt so special. At this party I found myself without my husband, which often happened, and I ended up standing next to group of young women. One of them said to me “Do you like wearing Punjabi clothes?” I said I did and she said “You do realise your clothes are so old fashioned!” I did not know what to say. I realise now after all these years that she was just being nasty and unkind, but at the time I felt so stupid and a fool for thinking that I could ever fit in. I so wish that I, the older Jackie, could be back in that room to put that girl straight, but that's not possible, so life goes on. Lesson learnt.

I carried on for many more years just fitting in and really not wanting to stand out. I am coming to the realisation that that is just not me. I feel more comfortable being me and I am having so much fun learning who I am. I know it may seem petty talking about clothes and what you look like, and, yes, there is so much more to life, but if you are comfortable in who you are and what you look like, it can help you to feel so much stronger to face the world.

Finding that new found confidence and how to express yourself in the style and colours you feel are you just helps you to live your best life. Being your best brings out the best in you. No more fitting in, this is me, lumps, bumps and all, and I will continue to be the best I can.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

x x x