THE DOG IS IN THE COAL SHED

A few years back I saw an animation called "I Had A Black Dog, His Name Was Depression" on Youtube and so much of it rang true with me.
During the years between me losing the last bit of weight, and putting it back on, along with the now constant fighting with pain, the black dog had well and truly moved back in and it was hard to cope with it sitting on my shoulder.
I had been assessed to see a counselor, which due to circumstances I'm still waiting to see. I was also to see a diet counselor, but again I'm still waiting due to various circumstances.  So here I stood, if I was to do anything I would have to, for now, do it by myself, with support from my family.
As I started to come to terms with this I realised that me and the black dog were in a very thick fog, hence the title of the last blog. I only actually realised this as I started to come out of the fog and began to take stock of just where I was. Sometimes you don't know where you are until things start to change and, more importantly, you realise that they have changed.
For now things are clearer and that black dog is firmly tied up in the coal shed. :-)
I want this blog to be not just about my struggle with weight loss, but also about the pressure a lot of us are put under, with weight issues, image and being what society wants us to be.
When I came out of an abusive marriage in 2001, I became passionate about these issues.
Before this I had never really been allowed to think about how things were and I did a lot of reading and research in the next two years before I met and married Steve.
Steve and I have now been married 16 years and they have really been wonderful and happy years. This passion about image pressure and expectation and the way society expects us to be thin returned again when I lost weight six years ago. I suppose they had always been there, just squashed down by all that had been happening in my life.
You should be not be judged by how you look, or given value only if you fit into "the norm".
I know that I have to reach a certain weight both for health reasons and my surgery which is understandable. However I'll still be the same person inside no matter what weight I am. No one should ever be made to feel inadequate for the weight they are or how they look.
What people need is love, respect and support to do what they want or need to do. Hopefully if a positive has come from the situation we are in at the moment it is that our attitude toward one another will change. I really hope so, but I'll have to wait and see. What I do feel is that the industry that has grown up around weight loss won't change, but I wait to be proven wrong.
I have about two stone more to lose before August if I am to be considered to have my hip surgery.
I will do my utmost to do this, whilst also doing my best to reassess and change my attitude for good towards self image and my fear of food.
So here we are at the start of April, in very strange times, with four months to go before I see my orthopedic specialist.
Thank you for being on this journey with me, if I can help any of you along the way, then all the better, and let us see what happens with this leap of faith.

Jackie