10th September, 2021
I don't think I have ever felt as tired and worn out as I do at the moment. There must have been times, like when I had my babies, but I think the difference then must have been that I had no choice but to carry on. A little life was dependant on me then, and I just had to keep going. Now, when I am at home recovering from my hip operation I have nothing to keep going for during the day except for me. This is where bad habits can kick in, because it is easier not to bother. Says she who has just had to pick up five of my tablets from the floor with a grabber tool because they fell out of my nomad box! :-) I even did that just to stop the cats from eating them.
Seriously though, it is so easy to not bother when it's just us. Now, I know I should be taking it easier at the moment whilst I recover from my surgery, but there are still things I can and should do. I did commit to writing again, and because of this I should write. Especially as I know that my writing makes me feel so much better and it doesn't take much physical energy really. Especially now when what I can do physically is limited, so anyway I can keep my motivation going can only help. I talked so much about having this operation while I was losing weight, and it was one of my main motivations, but I don't think anything really prepared me for what it was going to be like. Someone told me at the weekend that they were waiting for the same operation and they had heard that they would be completely well within six weeks. Now, that could be the case, however I think that you have to prepare yourself for the fact that you may not be. We are all different and I don't think anyone can tell someone 100% how anything is going to be. Now I know I may sound negative, but I have always been better preparing myself for the worst and then anything better than that is a bonus. You may not agree with me, but it is how I have lived my life and it has got me this far.
While watching something on Youtube the other night, someone said “If you could change your life's experiences, would you?” I thought about this and my answer would be “No, I wouldn't”. Things have not always been easy and I may have experienced things that others haven't, but looking back now life is what it is. At the time, I may not have been in a good place many times, however when you are in the midst of what is going on, you can't do anything but do your best to get through it, survive it even. It may take it's toll at the time, but if you do get through it, you are grateful and learn so much. Obviously I know there are things in life far, far worse than I have experienced, but I am talking about MY life, MY experiences. As I have said, we are all different, with different lives and we only know what we know. With me, there have been many, many times when there has been no one there to help me but myself, and I got on with it the best way that I could. It has made me the person I am today, and I am so grateful for that now. I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was and that practicality kicks in when it is needed. Having said that, I know that at the moment I need to keep an eye on myself in the only way that I can, and nobody else.
When I came out of hospital I went into a slight panic attack about what I was eating, and how my weight would be. I craved sugar so much and also felt so bloated as I was eating far more than I had for a long time. There is nothing wrong with eating a good amount but of the right things. I know I can't lose weight at the moment and my limited mobility is, at the moment, even more limited. There is a responsibility to myself to eat what I need to eat to give me the energy to heal. When you have a tendency to have a weight issue I think you will always have that tendency. That is why people lose weight and put it back on. It has happened to me before. When you are strong you can be strong, but it is not so easy when you are feeling vulnerable. I realised panic is not going to help. Panic never helps. I have looked back on what I have achieved the last two years and know that I need to depend on everything I have learnt. It is up to me to sort it out and find the right balance. To do all I can to maintain the weight I am at the minute. Damage limitation. To eat as healthily as I can, but if I need to eat something, then eat it. There is nothing that can't be put right, it is just being aware. Being aware and doing something about it because only I can.
I move into week four of post op with a little more optimism than I have had recently, and I will continue to do the best I can. Of course, I am also learning from this experience to help me prepare for my next operation, whenever that might be. In the meantime, I have that very special wedding to look forward to before then and I can not wait! So, I will do what I have to do to get there. It's all up to me!
Until next time,
Love, Jackie
xx
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