September 19th, 2021
Here I am, four weeks post hip replacement surgery and it has definitely been a most interesting time for me :). There have been a lot of different emotions to cope with, for sure. Never easy, but for me, that used food in the past as a coping mechanism, I find that I am not as strong as I thought I was.
Having said that, I am also aware that I must eat a good amount of nutritious food to help my body to heal itself. I started thinking about when you are in pain and not sure what is “normal” and what isn't, and all the strong feelings that you have. It is so easy just to eat what is there and not really think about calories and how much sugar and fat things contain. It feels like I am weak and a bit of a failure, but no, come on Jackie, you are not going to fall into that trap. You haven't spent the last two years sorting yourself out to fall back into that trap, not when you've learnt so much. You are so much better than that. Yes you are.
When you are not at your best it becomes so easy not to be strong, but to be thinking about the way that I am feeling and wanting to start doing something just proves how strong I really am. I am just having one of life's little moments and I can cope with this. Having the wedding in November helps me to focus on what I need to do and at four weeks post op I am feeling that focus is what I need. I have had my dress for the day for about a year and there is no way that dress is going to be too small and me then having to dash out at the last minute to try and find something else. It wouldn't be the end of the world but I would know and I would not feel good about this.
With all these thoughts going through my head, the best thing I can do is write and put my thoughts down on paper. Firstly, looking at my weight situation. I weigh about 8 pounds more than I did just before my operation four weeks ago. That's not that much really, but it could become so much more if I don't seriously start to think about it. 2 lbs a week could so easily turn into a stone and a half by the time of the wedding and that, for me, matters. I want to look nice on the day, after all, who wouldn't? But there is also the fact that I want to be at peace with myself. That I am looking after myself the best that I can, both physically and mentally. I have said in the past that I was not in a good place mentally when I started this weight loss journey. Even though looking better was an added bonus, when I lost 102 lbs it was always about me conquering a weight issue that had been with me all my life. Being seriously overweight has always caused me a lot of issues and they are not issues I want back again. I have said from the beginning this time will be different, and it will. If this was a film I would have reached the bit where after everything seemed to be rosy and where it should be, something goes wrong and it all seems like this is the end. Then the character has a life epiphany and fights back to hopefully give the film a happy ending. :-) That is the film and this is life, but here I go.
This morning I had a “click” moment and I knew that I have to get back on track. No matter how much you want to do something, you have to have a “click” moment to get you back on the straight and narrow. When I was young I used to go to a Pentecostal chapel in our village. The sermons were not always riveting to a young person to be fair, but I always tried to sit in the same area of the chapel, where the pastor couldn't see me, but also because just there on the wall was a painting that I loved. It was technically about the road to Heaven and it intrigued me. On one side of the painting was a wide road with so much going on, but on the other side there was a small path that went to Heaven. Well that's how I remember it was (it was 52 years ago, after all :-)), but how I see it now is keeping the path to where I need to be as simple as possible and trying not to wander on to the other side with complications stopping me from reaching my goal.
So here I am with two months to go before the wedding, clear in my head once again on what I need to do.
This is not a negative post, so please don't feel sorry for me. What it is, is me saying I know what it is I have to do. This post is also very similar to my last one, but there is one big difference. The last post was saying I know what I need to do. This one is saying I know what I need to, and this is what I am going to do. Actions not words. Words are good, but it is the actions that get you to where you need to be.
Until next time,
Love, Jackie
x x
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