27th March, 2021
As I start to write this, I realise that it is a year since I restarted my blog. Writing it has helped get me through this last year and given me a way of expressing what was going on in my head. It's been a strange time, with much sadness, but hopefully better things are on the way. I don't think any of us will forget what has happened in the last twelve months and memories and the lessons learnt will stay with us for many, many years to come. In my last blog I mentioned that I was trying to conquer my fear of the scales and putting weight back on. There is no reason really why I should feel so anxious, I have now established a pattern of daily eating, but still the fear is all too real.
I did manage to go the ten days without weighing myself, and when I did I was just under the fourteen stone mark, so no damage done! I decided then to wait another two weeks before my next weigh-in, which will be Good Friday, so just before Easter. You never know, I might eat one of my Cadbury Creme Eggs that have sat in the fridge since Valentine's Day! :-)
I last stopped writing my blog the first time, just about the one year mark, so I am certainly concious I need to carry on and be accountable to myself to carry on all my good work and not slip back into bad habits. As much as you read that it takes so many days to change habits, it doesn't always work that way, but you can but try. (Cheese alert here!) You have nothing to lose except weight! :-)
Back now to the title of this blog entry. I've added to my writing this week two photographs of me wearing a scarf. These photos couldn't be more different in oh, so many ways. I have loved scarves for many years. There were times when I couldn't have a great choice of clothes, but I could always add a scarf. The vibrant colours would always cheer me up. In my first marriage I often wore traditional Punjabi clothes while I was in India and also when visiting the Gurdwara (Sikh Temple) here in England. Part of this dress was a chuni or dupatta, a long scarf used for covering the head whilst inside the temple. They were in beautiful colours and always felt so good to wear. It became a habit for me to wear a scarf. There were many times in that marriage that times were hard, you clung on to those things that made you happy, feel special and almost safe.
Now, here's the thing... When I look at that first photo, which was taken when I weighed about twenty stone plus, I notice that I am pulling the scarf across myself. I am trying to hide behind it, not show my body and the true extent of my size. I do remember thinking that at the time, which seems so silly now. There I am in a beautiful blue blouse, trying to hide behind a colourful scarf. What on Earth was I thinking? In my mind I suppose I was using my scarf as a kind of comfort blanket.
Moving onto the second photo, taken recently on a day out in the sunshine. As you can see, I still have a scarf, but now nearly seven stone lighter I'm wearing it for a completely different reason. I still feel complete wearing one, but now it has become an accessory to add colour to an outfit. I am at last now beginning to enjoy putting my outfits together and my love of clothes and colour continues to grow. I am loving experimenting and wearing new combinations each and every day. The two photographs are so similar and yet so different at the same time. Still the love for colour, but now no reason to feel awkward or hide. No reason to feel ashamed, but to feel proud of what I am achieving and looking forward to enjoying every minute of the adventure. I look at the photos and know that I am not ever going back to how I lived before and the way I felt then. I look forward to the Summer and all the fun I will have finding new ways to dress. I have a lot of catching up to do!
Until next time,
Love, Jackie,
xx
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