IF I ONLY HAD TIME

 

29^th January, 2021

I remember a song, sung by Gene Pitney, years ago a song called “If I Only Had Time”. How often have we said that? Or even when we do have time, we feel that we don't want to do anything with it? I have felt just like that this week. Being able to do nothing, really nothing, is a luxury that many of us do not really have. Whether we have to go to school, college, work or have a family to look after, our level of being able to do nothing varies to many degrees. Being able to relax and do as little as we want to do can be harder than you think. I have done all the things on the above list, even at one time holding down two jobs just to survive while looking after a family and I look back now and don't know how I did it – but I did.

Now I have given up work because of my health problems – I have another four years before I can officially retire – I sometimes find it hard to adjust to. I have given and given and always had something to do for someone, and then it all changes. Add to that the fact that what you can do is limited and it takes a lot of readjustment. It can be quite frustrating and hard to accept and I often find myself feeling that I have no place. What I did before is gone and things can become meaningless. Add to that the fact that you are a lot older, have white hair, and walk with a frame and you have a good mix for self pity, feeling that you are not taken seriously anymore and you just blend into the background.

I hear people who do have busy lives saying you don't know how lucky you are, not having to work, look after a family, etc., but when you actually find yourself in that situation it's not always as good as it may seem when it's long term “retirement”. I did start putting some plans together to get me out of the house doing things but then the lockdown happened. The first half wasn't too bad, the weather was good and I was able to sit out in our front garden and talk to people that passed by. But now in the winter it is not so easy. It's now almost a year on and it is a lot harder, but I have decided that enough is enough. I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a lovely family and children who I worked hard to bring up and I am proud of for the people they have become. We have so much to look forward to and I must not forget that. When I really think about it, there are so many things I love to do and plan to do and it won't be that long before I can do them. The way that life is at the moment will change for the better and we mustn't forget that.

When I was in my first marriage and things were really hard, I would never have dreamt that I would escape my situation and get married again, this time to the most kindest, loving and supportive man and have the opportunity to enjoy a better life, but it did happen. It is so easy to feel down and lose motivation, but it is time for me to give myself a mental shake up.

It was so hard for me to sit down and put these thoughts into words but when I do it makes things seem so much clearer. I know I am grateful for what I have and I have achieved a lot in this past year. I just need to put my plans back into action and move on to a much more happy year, appreciating all that I have and making the best of it. After all, there are many who did not have the opportunity to have time on their hands.

Love to you all,

Jackie,

xx