15th January, 2021,
Last time I was writing about the benefits of knowing just why you are really doing something, and for all the right reasons. I know that for me, in my past, I didn't really know about much in my life, especially the weight loss. Whether it was because someone else was telling me to do it, or I thought I had to look a certain way for value, or I thought it would make all my problems go away... the list goes on. These weren't going to change my life or make my problems go away, at least not just with weight loss.
When I first got together with my first husband, he made it quite clear he liked the nature I had and and the body “HE” could change. Looking back now I had no self-esteem and was far too trusting, but I was only 16 years old and knew no different really. I thought losing weight would make me the person he wanted me to be. If only I could talk with my younger self now, but to be honest I probably wouldn't have listened and I am who I am today because of my past, hard as it was at the time. I have a lot to be grateful for. I wasn't really happy with the strict regime I was put under, especially before we got married in 1980, but I felt it was the way it should be, and that he really cared about how I should be and what was best because he loved me.
I remember really cutting back on my food, being hungry and then, when he went to work, binging on food because he wasn't there to see me. I was going to a slimming club at the time and being afraid that he would be so angry at me if I didn't lose weight and that he might find out what I was doing. I would take laxatives before the club weigh in, in the hope that it would make the scales go the right way. I have a very clear memory of being stuck in the public loo near the slimming club venue because I had taken so many laxatives that I was unable to leave. It was such a stupid thing to do but I wasn't the first – or last – to take such drastic actions. Thankfully this was a stage that passed quickly and didn't develop into something far more serious. I was young and had no real outside support and thought it was just the way it should be.
How many other young girls have been put in positions like this? I lost weight and was able to get a wedding dress that I could afford and liked, but even on our wedding day he made comments on how silly I looked. So sad, but I think you only realise what things can be like if you have experienced similar things in your life. Throughout the following years I lost and then put on weight at least three or four more times for various reasons. From because I was bullied into doing it, to trying to be my own person during my divorce and finally for my suffering health, but old habits die hard. The way you try to do it is the way you have learnt over your life and restriction and drastic weight control doesn't last for long.
This time it had to be a life style change, I had to learn what worked for me in a sustainable way and realise that even when you have lost weight it is not the answer to all life's problems, they do not go away overnight with the melting fat.
Hopefully I have learnt this time how to look after myself better and I knew I stood the chance of long term success if I did. As the saying goes you can't pour from an empty jug and I have tried so hard this time to look after myself and do things for the right reasons. It has not been easy, and it is still a very long steep learning curve, but it is never too late to put things right. Last year was such a changing point in my life and I will carry on this year to achieve the goals I have set out for myself. My life in the beginning was not always great and it would have been so much nicer to have had more support but I am who I am as I said, and I have so much to be grateful for. I have been given a second chance, and even if it was so much later in life it is never too late. The New Year is ahead of us all and hopefully at the end of it we will be able to look back and appreciate what we have learnt and have some great memories.
That's all for now,
Love, an older and wiser Jackie
xx
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