It has been going round and round in my head these last few days that I couldn't really write my blog anymore. It felt hypocritical for me to go on about making the best of life and being positive and happy when I have found it so hard recently.
But having thought about it, it is better to rant on here than to rant as I walk about the streets and have people stare at me :)
Life is not always perfect, things go wrong - FACT - but it's how we deal with them that makes the difference.
I, like many of you, have never been the most confident person. I have always been big and as a child I was bigger than most. I was bullied and didn't really have much support, but I remember looking at people like Demis Roussos and Mama Cass Elliot and thinking that if they could be big and do somethingwith their lives then perhaps so could I.
I even used to look at ballet dancers when they wore longer dresses and thinking perhaps I COULD do that; but no that would be going to far. Although I do remember seeing the hippos dancing in Walt Disney's Fantasia and thinking, 'well you never know' :)
Now before Steve says I am putting myself down, I am not. I am saying it as it was.
I had a domineering and controlling mother, and then moved on to a domineering and controlling first husband, so as time went by, I was in a position where i did not think about MY needs.
I never thought of myself as beautiful and thinking about it now, no-one ever told me I was. That is until I met Steve and he has told me every day since we met eleven years ago, so I suppose that makes up for all those years.
I didn't think of myself as worthy.
It's amazing the effect people can have on other peoples lives, whether it be family, friends, work colleagues or just strangers in the street. That one negative or positive comment or gesture can change everything. But as I look back at my life I can see the positives from my situations.
I would never treat anyone the way I was treated so I can emphasize.
I wanted to be a better mother to my children than my mother ever was to me, and I hope I have done a good job. I know I have two children who have achieved so much in their lives so far and I am extremely proud of them.
I am even grateful to my first husband for all I learnt about other cultures and for the traveling we did, even though at the time it wasn't always easy.
I have learnt how change a negative into a positive, to survive for peace of mind and to carry on getting up each day and appreciating whatever the day brings, good or bad.
So I will continue writing because I am not a hypocrite as I thought I was. I am a survivor and have a lot to be grateful for.
Even though I have lost seven and a half stone now and have maintained my weight for three months, life will still throw it's problems at me as it does with all of us all, but it's what we learn from them and how we respect ourselves enough to make a change that matters.
January is over and Spring is just around the corner. My next blog will be here very soon.
Jackie x
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