AS IT WAS IN THE BEGINNING...

30^th August 2020

Since the last time I wrote my blog our grandchildren have visited and we have been able to have time enjoying different activities with them. I was also supposed to go and see the orthopaedic specialist, but sadly that appointment was cancelled. I am in so much pain at the moment, so I am in the process of trying to make sure I do get to see him. I don't know when that will be, but I won't give up.

Recently I been thinking while watching the children having fun with us and enjoying their food, ice cream and cake. I thought about my childhood and I started to consider where my issues with weight and food really started. Even though I have always been big and suffered because of it, as a child I learned to live with it. That's just the way it was. I was bullied, other kids didn't give me much of their time or I was the gooseberry when we went out and they found a date, but I accepted that it was that way. I loved plenty of good food so I carried on having my fun eating.

It wasn't until I met my first husband, who liked my quiet nature, that, with his guidance, I started to lose weight. Little did I know at the age of sixteen and a half that I would end up in a controlling and abusive relationship for twenty-six years and my battle with all aspects of weight loss would be with me for most of my life. Really, eating was the only thing I could control. I got sucked in because when I lost weight I got attention and people liked me more. I was special and I had worth, which went when I put the weight back on. Little did I realise until recently that what changed when I lost weight was my confidence levels and how I perceived things. When I was thin I had self worth and when I was big I had a feeling of worthlessness and failure. All these feelings started when I thought at a young age that how much you weighed mattered, I know now it does but not in in the way I thought. Excess weight doesn't help your health and mobility but it doesn't determine who you are. It shouldn't be about your appearance, but your health. Sadly it still seems to be about appearance and health gets forgotten.

For me, being able to look back through my life and see how things were I have come to recognise what has caused my problems and hopefully I have begun to change things.

This learning curve continues, but do you know? It's beginning to be fun. Still hard work, but fun, and the confidence is returning.

Next time, as I said before, my thoughts on size in all shapes and forms.

Jackie

xx