28th June 2020
It never ceases to amaze me how things can creep up without you
realising it and become part of your life, like they have always been
there. With me, it has happened a few times, for example with weight
gain, with the pain I am in increasing to the stage my walking is
impaired, even with my hair growing during lockdown, which is a good
one as it has been very short for quite a while and I quite like it
longer.
What did surprise me when I realised it, around about the beginning
of March this year, was that I had let myself be photographed less
and less over the previous year, and more surprisingly I was not
looking in the mirror so much, only if I really had to. We had no
full length mirrors in the house, only ones that were large enough to
see your face. When I did look in the mirror I didn't really like who
was looking back at me. They looked old and tired, with face that, to
me, was not me. What was even sadder was that I got very upset when I
looked at mine and Steve's wedding photograph taken in 2004. That was
really heartbreaking because our wedding was such a special day, so
different from my first wedding, and now I couldn't look at myself
and not recognise myself as the same person I saw in the mirror.
It was so terrible to think about myself like this and something had
to be done. When I started to realise what had happened to the way I
was feeling it was around the start of lockdown and an ideal time to
try to get myself back to being me.
By this time I had lost about 2 ½ stones in weight, so I was
beginning to feel a little more confident, and so I had a larger
mirror put on the wall and started to really look at myself. It
wasn't easy, but I did it.
Confidence, or the lack of it, does some strange things to us. Mine
had never been that great, but it had gone right down, so it was time
for me to make a plan.
I read a lot and watched a lot of relevant things, from mindfulness
and sitting exercises, to skin care, nutrition and well being and
what to wear. I had a lot of time on my hands, and I was going to try
to use it wisely. I had no skin care regime, hardly any make up and
really had not got any new clothes for quite a while.
While I was large, very large, there was no point in buying anything
until I lost weight, was there?
I saw a chap on TV that had put his wedding off three times because
he couldn't find anything to fit him that he liked. That is just so
sad, but I know that feeling is so real.
You feel you are not good enough yet to buy clothes, and when you are
thin you will look so much better. I realised that I had to start and
make myself feel better now.
I started to look after my skin, including things into my diet would
help and do the usual cleanse tone and moisturise and bought the
first new make up in years. I didn't spend a lot, but it was a start
with the basics. I did learn when I trained in beauty therepy that
you didn't always need to spend a lot of money.
Exercise is difficult for me, but I did what I could. After all,
something is better than nothing. I also bought some new support wear
and some clothes that would look good now and still last me a while
until I lose weight.
It has made me feel so much better in myself. It's still a work in
progress, but work well done if it brings me back. I will be 62 years
old in six days time and I am trying so hard to be more positive and
that life has not been wasted or of no real value unless you are
young, thin, beautiful as is often portrayed in the fashion world,
media, slimming industry etc.
Looking and trying to achieve a way to look and being your best can
be fun and so worthwhile and I am still enjoying my research :-)
It's still hard to look in the mirror sometimes, but I am working on
it and I can now look at our wedding photographs with fond memories.
Life changes us but that is not always a bad thing and we can always
learn to look at the positives and cherish the memories we have. I am
planning to be brave enough to have a birthday photograph. We shall
see :-)
Jackie
xx
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