" I CAN'T! "

25^th April 2020

When I was thinking about writing my blog this week, I had decided to write on a completely different subject to what I am actually doing now.

This happens quite a lot with me, forever changing my mind :-)

The usual process is once I have written my blog I start to think “Well, what do I do next?”

I have started to think I can't do this, but I have made a commitment to do it, for myself and those of you who read it. So I carry on.

I try not to think about it for 3 or 4 days until my mind starts to clear and ideas start to pop in and out. At this point I start to think that perhaps the next blog subject is there. Writing helps me focus on all the random thoughts I have and can be quite theraputic when my mind is racing around, quite often at three o'clock in the morning.

I thought five years ago that I couldn't do my blog anymore and stopped, but now it has been resurrected and I am doing my best to keep it alive.

Especially at the moment I watch a lot of television, and there was a programme on weight loss that I had recorded. One of many, I should say, as I do get obsessional about subjects that interest me.

On this particular programme all I seemed to hear was a young woman saying “I can't”. She wanted to lose weight, eat less, move more and change her life, but for whatever reason she just couldn't. She wouldn't even try.

She had slipped into the habit over many years of just not trying to do the things that would help her. She just ate more and more with little physical activity until she was so overweight the motivation had gone. It was easier to live the way that her live had become rather than try to change it.

There are many times I have thought “I can't”.

On the road of life there are many obstacles and I must admit I have said those two words many times, whether it was because it was mentally too much or something I thought was physically beyond me.

A lot of the time it was because of fear.

Quite often walks were out of the question because I was so scared that because of my weight, and later the pain, that I would get so far and not be able to get back again.

During the years of my first marriage there were many situations I had to deal with, and I couldn't say “I can't”. I had to deal with them to protect myself and my children. Later as my life changed my resolve was not as strong. By now I was tired and trying was not so easy. It was easy to slip into a habit of not trying for whatever reason and so difficult to kickstart myself into at least trying to see if the task was within my capability.

Last year was a very dark time for me, in a lot of pain and not getting the right professional help that I needed. In fact, as I have already said, one professional made the situation worse because they didn't understand, or want to understand, what I was saying, labeling me an excuse giver and non-compliant and treating me for ten months as such.

Looking back now, maybe some of the things I was saying could have been taken as excuses, but with a bit of care, a better assessment and listening to what I was saying, the whole situation could have been so much better, helping me to feel I didn't have to say “I can't”.

The support I needed has now started to appear and things have begun to get better.

The current situation we are all in has put us in a situation where have had to rethink life completely and adapt to living in the best way we can.

It is so easy for whatever reason to say in the first instance “I can't do this, it's too hard”.

I was just starting to come out of this dark place and the light that was at the end of the tunnel has now been moved further back, but it is still there,

For lots of us at the moment it is easy to say “I can't do this today, I will do it another day” and slip into the habit of just sitting there. We need to look after ourselves as well as our family.

It's not always easy but we have to try in whatever way we can, if it's not perfect it doesn't matter, we are trying.

I do not want to spoil the work I have already started with my weight loss journey and I'll continue to find ways that I can make myself feel better both mentally and physically. I hope you can too.

Take care, until next time,

Jackie

x x