18th
April 2020
After
leaving my blog on a cliffhanger last time, I felt I couldn't leave
it too long before I wrote again.
I am
passionate about how we are treated by the health profession, the
diet industry, how image affects us all and our everyday life, and
the effects it can have on children as they grow up in these modern
times.
Before
I can write and express my feelings on this I need to bring my
present history up to the stage where I first started my blog five
years ago so my whole story and experiences are out there. It was
where the seeds of my passion grew from.
So
there I was, nearly 17, and for the first time in my life feeling I
was in a proper relationship. I had had two boyfriends before this,
but this seemed to be “The One”!
In
the beginning I felt great. I had no real experience of relationships
and how they should be.
My
Grandad and Grandma were married 50 years plus, and my mother had
various boyfriends before she remarried, but as a child you don't
really think about those things and what is the “norm”.
I
remember years later reading the book by Fred West's daughter Anne
Marie West “Out Of The Shadows”. From what I remember she was
asked why she didn't think what was happening at the time was wrong,
and she said she didn't know any different.
My
situation was never as bad as that, but if you have no other
experience and your social circle is taken away from you, how do you
know what is acceptable?
In
the beginning my first husband he was very controlling, which grew
into him stopping my friendships and socialising. By the time I had
my daughter I had given up work and was at home all the time. I still
had friends, but the relationship with my husband was deteriorating.
The
control got worse and worse and he did become abusive. I do not feel,
for many reasons at this time, I can publically go into detail and
don't need too, but for the context of my blog, he continually went
on about my weight, putting me under pressure to diet and continually
went on about how I looked. He had said when we first got together
that you can't change a nature or a face, but you can change weight,
and he never stopped getting on at me about it.
I was
made to feel fat and ugly and a failure with no way out. By this time
my Grandad has passed away and my Grandma had Alzheimers, so I was
looking after her as well as my husband and children. My mother had
disowned me when I got married. My husband did not want her at the
wedding and because she wasn't invited and only told afterwards, she
abandoned me, so I had no support at all.
He
developed mental health issues and his behaviour got worse and worse.
By this time the children were growing up and it was harder to hide
things.
They
were a very hard few years and the marriage should have ended years
earlier, but anyone who's been in that situation will know it's not
always that easy. Me and the children had a few experiences we can
laugh about now, but at the time it was Hell.
I
tried so hard to make a better life for me and the children, but he
always managed to disrupt all my efforts. I felt I'd failed and
failed again.
One
day I had had enough. I just couldn't take anymore and I started the
process of leaving him.
It
took two long years, a very distressing time, but I did it. I was
free, sort of, and things finally started to get better.
During
that time I lost weight, did a lot of research into making myself
feel and look better, but my knowledge was limited. I have continued
to research anything to do with weight loss, image and social
pressures and will continue to do so to help myself and hopefully
others.
I was
on my own for nearly two years when Steve and I decided to go out
together, and marry a year later in 2004.
Life
from then up to now has been happier and much better, but the fight
with my weight, confidence and self-esteem still goes on.
Jackie
xx
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