D.I.Y. IS FOR ME (WITH A LITTLE SUPPORT)

31^st July 2020

When I first started my weight loss journey I was sixteen years old, and my first real experience was when I was seventeen at one of the two most famous UK slimming clubs. As I have said before, I didn't have much idea about weight loss, but off I went on a Thursday evening to the club. Looking back at it now, I went with a friend of my mums who drove and I think it was a plan hatched by them for me to lose weight. My mum's friend never really did well, but I did lose weight. I was thirteen stone seven pounds that first night and I remember I lost ten pounds in my first week, bringing me down to twelve stone eleven pounds. I was over the moon, but still felt terribly fat and in need of as much help as I could get. Thinking back, at five foot five inches tall, that weight was not really that bad, but I was fat. I must have been the youngest there, as everyone else seemed old! :-)

At this stage I had met my first husband, and was just about to start the college summer holiday in June. By the time I went back in September I had lost quite a bit of weight and felt good. Lots of people noticed and I got a lot of attention which I wasn't used to.

I don't remember a lot more about that time thinking about it. My family moved to Gibraltar as my step-dad was in the army, but I managed to stay in this country. It was difficult time, my relationship with my husband-to-be was very up and down, but at least my weight stayed fairly low.

I have happy memories too within that five year period. I got married and travelled to India for the first time, which was beautiful. I love India, and met some wonderful people. For various reasons, some of my family did not want to know me once I was married. My Grandad died in 1978, and my Grandma, who suffered with Alzheimers, came to live with us from 1988 until she died in 1999, but the rest of family cut themselves off from me. So I had no family support from my side. My daughter was born in 1982, and my son in 1985 and I carried on with my own little family who I loved. It was not easy and my weight slowly came back on.

Over the next few years the battle with my weight was not easy. I have said before that I have tried every diet and every club, and I have. They did not work for me and from 1985 to 2003 my weight went up and down like a yo-yo. I varied in size from a size 12 to a size 24 in UK sizes and my self-esteem also went up and down. All the time it was dependent on my size. Size was everything. If I was small I could live a good life, but if I was large I was a failure and didn't want to do anything.

From 2003 it did get a little better with my self-esteem when I met and, in 2004, married my second husband, but my weight issues were still there and soon my self-esteem once again changed with my weight.

This time I knew I had to do it myself. Slimming clubs were not for me. Personally to put yourself under pressure to go to a new club, get weighed, get your new diet to come back the next week to see if you had lost weight is just too much.

In the beginning when you lose weight, it's good, but the feeling on being on your own until you get weighed the next week gets worse and worse. It's the constant though of what you can eat, what you can't, have I been good and not wanted to eat the day of the weigh-in just in case I spoil any weight loss I may have had. Then there is the thought of your weight being read out to the group and the feeling that you are being judged.

I know a lot of groups have changed now. The last time I went to a slimming club was 2011/12, I think, but they are not for me. When I went to the N.H.S. Change For Life group in 2013/14 it was slightly different. It was a six week plan. When you got weighed it wasn't read out, it was just between you and the plan leader. Every week there was an informative talk with recipes given out to try at home. After the six weeks were up you could continue to go back each week to get weighed, but that was it. At no point really were you treated like an individual and that really is where my point lies.

Losing weight and then maintaining weight loss is an individual thing. Yes, there are diets, clubs, and many other tried and tested ways of losing weight. There have been for many years, but really they are not working. Short term, yes, but long term, no.

We are all different, and until we are looked at as individuals, rather than en-masse, then many of us will slip through the net.

For many of the “obese”, not advertising junk food until after nine o'clock, putting calories on packets and menus and treating us as the problem will not work.

Many of us know about, and can get, junk food if we want to and know all about calories.

What is needed is encouragement and also helping us to recognise ourselves and why we are the way we are. Some of us need more help than others but such recognition would help many of us.

At least I have discovered that the D.I.Y. Route is the best for me. It hasn't been easy, nor will it carry on being easy, but at least this way I am learning so much about myself.

There is still that scary moment when I have my weigh-in, but it is far more personal.

It is going to be an interesting time moving forward in the UK as to how obesity is going to be dealt with, and I am sure I am going to have some strong feelings to add to those that I already have about how “fat” people are thought about and treated.

We will see, but I know I have helped myself, and hopefully in the future I can help others too.

Jackie

xx

A LETTER TO MY YOUNGER SELF

27^th July, 2020

Dear Jackie,

At sixteen you are just at the start of your life, and not yet aware of how your life is going to change in oh, so many ways. Up to now you haven't really been aware of why some people bully you or why it is that your friends get more attention than you do, and why boys don't really want anything to do with you. You feel worth so much less and aren't really sure what you have done to make it that way.

In the September of your sixteenth year you will start catering college in Wakefield and will make new friends that accept you for who you are. The first four weeks will be great, your confidence will begin to grow, and then... bang! It will all change.

Your mother will remarry, move to the South of England and will be expecting a baby in November, and all of a sudden she'll decide it would be so much better for you to go to live with her, her husband and your brother in the October, before your new brother is born. You won't want to go, but you have no choice. So you'll leave your new friends, your grandparents who had a big part in bringing you up, and go and start a new life 230 miles away from all that you know.

So many things will happen between 1974 and the present day. If you knew everything I think you would give up, you'll be made to feel a lesser person, be told you're ugly and will never do much with your life. Let me tell you it won't always be easy, there will be bad times, but there will also be so many happy, positive times.

It will take a lot of time, and you will often feel that you are not strong enough to do things, but you can and will!

Many years will pass, but you will learn how much you can do, and how much you really are worth. You will never be a beauty queen, but you are not ugly and the people that told you that were so wrong and they were truly ugly on the inside. Life is truly precious and as that cheesy saying goes, “there is no rehearsal to life”, you are here and make the best of it. You are never too old to learn new things and enjoy the time you have. You will look back on your life and not let the negatives have any importance and be thankful for all the special opportunities you'll have. Always try to be positive and know that you are stronger than you think.

Lots of love from a much wiser self,

Jackie

xx

CALORIES

26^th July 2020

Calories! Love them or hate them, weight control involves them.

Do you know how many calories there are in toilet paper? Daft thing to know I know, but I didn't even know it had calories. I do know the calories in a lot of things. I have been trying to lose weight and keep it off since I was 16 years old. Forty-six years, on and off, thinking about what I ate and the calories in each thing. In those days there was no internet for common use and I used to buy a calorie counting book that told me all about basic foods, and then later on it started to tell you the calories in processed foods. I would read it all the time and became obsessed with knowing it all so I could work out my daily allowance and what I could eat.

I seem to remember having an allowance of 1000 calories a day, which seems to be very low now, but it was a long time ago and I don't think it was much more than that.

I was young, I wanted my problems to go away, so I thought if I lost weight then my problems would disappear, but as I know now they don't. They are still there.

So there I was, having my daily calorie allowance, and losing weight, but to me it became painful everyday continually thinking about food, what each contained calorie-wise and watching my allowance disappear. Often there was not much left at the end of the day, which limited me in what I could eat. If I went over my allowance I would give up and binge on that day and then start again the next day. It was a constant battle to eat the right things, Even though I trained in catering when I left school, I didn't really understand about fats and sugars, and the information I had was limited.

I lost weight and for a while I felt great and that I was worth something, but it didn't last long before it went back on. My weight was going up, while my self-esteem was going down.

I don't know how many times I did this. Time went by. I was in an abusive marriage, I had two beautiful children, watched them grow up, making me proud many times. I got divorced, I had a wonderful relationship with my soon-to-be second husband, and I now have two beautiful grand-children. Through all this time the diet industry and the many ideas about weight loss changed and my knowledge grew. I still knew the calories in most things, but I came to realise it is far more than that. Now you can work out your Basal Metabolic Rate or BMR which is the number of calories you burn if you rested all day, and from that you can find your calorie allowance for the day, depending on your age, weight and other factors.

It does mean I can eat more than those 1000 calories, but as I have said it's more than that. It's what I eat, but it's also what I think of myself, my self esteem, my value, and also that whatever you do, problems will always be there, but they can be dealt with.

This time I really hope it will be different for me, that I will have learnt so much. Only time will tell.

I do know how many calories I can eat in a day, but I have tried to get away from the obsession of rigorously counting down to the last number. I have a good idea of how many are in each food and I can work out a fairly healthy diet with much less fats and sugars. The internet has provided me with so much information, so no need for my little calorie magazine anymore, and I have been able to exercise portion control. I do allow myself the occasional treat, but they have to fit in with my daily food intake.

Because of my health issues I cannot do much exercise, but I do try to be as active as I can.

I have tried to work on how I feel about myself, but I do find that this is the hardest thing to do and will need a lot of thought to put things in place to help me keep the weight off further down this journey, but for now I keep going the best I can.

Did you wonder about the calories in toilet paper? Let me tell you, just out of interest :-)

In 100 pieces there are...

120 calories,

8 grams of carbs,

15 grams of fat,

and 4 grams of protein.

Now that is what it says on the internet, but I don't think I'll be eating any of it soon no matter how desperate I may get. :-)

Jackie

xx

SOMETIMES THE PATH NEEDS A HAND RAIL

23^rd July, 2020

In the last few blogs I know I may have come across as downbeat, less positive and maybe a little lost, but life is like that sometimes.

What we can learn from that is it happens, there is no shame in admitting things are not all sunshine and roses. We can learn to get through things and carry on. We have so many ways these days to learn if we choose to. At school I seem to remember I did what I had to do, that's what you did. I don't remember a lot about it now, but what I do remember is the subjects I really loved, that often had the best teachers, were the ones that really interested me and gave me motivation.

Motivation is the key to learning. If something needs to be done then you have to find a way to fire your interest and learn what needs to be done. I knew I had to do things differently this time and I had to learn about myself, my needs and what really makes me tick.

Why do we need to lose weight? Why did I need to lose weight? That was the question, but I also had to ask myself what was it I had done wrong in the past that didn't quite work and get me the results I had wanted.

I had lost weight many times, so I must have been doing something right, musn't I? Well actually I have now worked out that I didn't quite do it right. I just thought you followed a diet and moved around a bit and the weight came off. That is the basic idea, but it's more than that. If you only have a little weight to lose for your holiday or a special occasion, it can be hard but it's for a short time before you reach your goal. If you have a lot more weight to lose that you what keep off for health reasons or for your long term self-esteem it can be much more complicated than that.

In my case it has been really looking at just why I wanted to lose weight, had to lose weight and work out not only how to make the scales go down but also come out of this a more complete and confident person.

When I saw the orthopedic specialist at the end of February we made an agreement that if I got my BMI down to somewhere between 35 and 37, he would then agree for me to have my first joint replacement. At my highest, at the beginning of last year, it was 47.3. When I saw him it was 41.9. So with six months until I was due to see him again, I still had a way to go. In weight terms that is about 3 stone. I had started last year with a weight of 20 stone and 4 pounds. When I saw the specialist this February I was down to 18 stone and by August I need to be around 15 stone to 15 stone 7 pounds.

I had been lucky enough to see a NHS dietician last year, who I went to see once a moth to get weighed and talk about healthy ways to eat.

Then in March I couldn't go anymore due to the Covid-19 lockdown. This was just after I had seen the specialist, but I went into a DIY weight loss program with a positive outlook, got my own scales as I have said before and decided I would research and learn all I could to help me along. Little did I know how much I would learn, and how much I learnt about myself. Fortunately the internet is a great resource, but what surprised me was how I went from not only looking at nutrition, but also at self analysis with the help of T.E.D. Talks and other mindfulness tools. I was also looking at my appearance, with new clothes to wear, new make-up techniques, and the different struggles that different groups go through such as very obese people, women over 60 years old not realy being seen and recognised and whatever else out there that broadened my mind. I had a routine and tried to stick to it and I learnt so much to keep me motivated and my keep my mind on the task.

It's not easy to do it by yourself 24/7 and I know that's why some people go to groups, but I had do it the way I knew I could carry on going and making it my lifestyle. I have had to do a lot in my life on my own and can be quite independent so this way could work for me. I was getting there but we are all human. For the first three months plus it was relatively easy – if losing weight can be easy – but a few weeks ago I began to struggle. I was getting tired and my motivation began to slump. As much as I knew why I was doing what I was doing, I blipped and lost track of just how far I had come.

At that point I really had to look at myself, be kind and understanding to myself and give myself some breathing space. Hence why my blogs took a downbeat turn. They have always been my way of expressing purely and personally what I am feeling and thinking.

I had learnt the tools to make this time different and I slowly started to use them to help me back onto the path to a more motivated, confident person (most of the time :-) ).

I have continued to lose weight and have now lost five stone since last year, three of those since I saw the specialist, so I am now down to 15 stone 5 lb, with a BMI of 35.8 at the moment. I found out yesterday that I have an appointment on the 27^th August to see the specialist, which is great.

Five more weeks to work on showing him what I have achieved. I will have lived up to my side of the bargain and I feel sure he will live up to his. I will feel very nervous, but happy and proud that day hopefully. There's that light at the end of the tunnel again, and I am back on the path to move towards it.

But now the path has a handrail :-)

Jackie

xx

P.S. ONE DAY LATER

16^th July 2020

As a post-script to my blog yesterday, I was watching one of the TV programmes I watch about obesity and weight loss. This one was about people who are extremely overweight. What was very obvious in this one was that these particular two people wanted other people to take responsibility for them losing weight. What they couldn't see was that while they were being given support, it was them that had to put the work in.

A lot of us think there is always a new solution to make things easy, but it doesn't really work this way. It is up to us to do the hard work. How we feel and the problems we have, never truly go away and it's realising this, and knowing that they're not a weakness, and learn to live with them.

While having counselling recently, I wrote the piece below and realised how this can also be applied to coming to terms with dealing with a weight issue.

THE DOG

The dog needs a name, it needs to be recognised.

It comes to remind me of what I have been through, what I survived.

In the past I have been in bad, terrible, stressful situations. I was too young and in later years too busy just surviving to even know what it was, that I felt the way I did because it was there, constantly chewing away in my head.

Times and things have changed, I thought it had gone away but it was loyal, as dogs are, and would visit constantly to trouble me. I had failed. I couldn't keep it away, it would return time and time again and wouldn't leave me in peace.

Then one day it happened. I realised that the dog would always be there, it would never ever fully go away, it had a purpose and would always be there! It was me that had to learn to live with it and know that under all that fur when it had been given a good trim it wasn't as big as I thought it was.

We could live together. I was beginning to realise that I could learn how to be the master, and it could do it's job to remind me what I had survived, that I could be strong and I was still here.

While accepting who the dog was, I had also started to accept myself for who I was, to believe in who I am, that I am the one that matters.

The dog does need a name, it needs to be recognised and it's name is Depression, but through that recognition for me it's powers have and will continue to dwindle.

When I first started writing my blog six years ago, I think I thought that I could conquer my weight gain and that would be it, but I have since realised that it doesn't work that way. Naïve, I know, but if only we could conquer something for good and it then be gone away and not trouble us. It doesn't work like that, but what we can do is put a lot of thought into what is happening, what can happen and find ways to cope and win each battle as it comes. Knowing we can do this makes us stronger and more rounded as a person. In my case I want to be slimmer and healthier, not rounded, but you know what I mean :-)

I can't always make something go away, or go away for good, but what I can do is know how to deal with it once it's there.

Knowing this helps you to feel stronger and more in control.

So, as I said in my blog yesterday, I have my plan and I move on.

Jackie

xx

IT'S ALWAYS A STRUGGLE BUT WE GET THROUGH IT

15^th July, 2020

It's been a while since I wrote my blog. It was coming up to my birthday and my husband had booked some holiday time off work so we could have some time to do the things we like to do together. I thought it would be nice to have a break and be more relaxed.

Trying to eat healthily and accomplish my weight loss can take over my life sometimes and as much as I try not to be obsessed, it is hard.

It's still very much a learning curve, but I am determined to not only lose the weight I need to, but also to keep it off.

I was still watching what I was eating, but relaxed this on my birthday and had some of the foods I love to eat.

That was lovely, but I then found the next day it was hard to go back to my usual diet. To incorporate all foods is important, but that is not always as easy as it sounds.

I am not too worried about drinking alcohol, I can take it or leave it, but I do like carbs and sugar. Call it nice bread, cake etc. etc. but it is carbs, pure sugar and fat and it has to be consumed in a balanced way with protein, dairy, fruit, vegatables, and fibre to get to and maintain a healthy weight. What I find is if I eat bread and cake and other sugary foods I want more. I am not alone in this, I know. Many of us are the same but I know I have to do my best to conquer this if I am going to succeed.

It was a hard week the week after my birthday trying to get back on track. I had been working so hard with my eating plan to lose weight and relaxing threw me off kilter.

I tried really hard and still managed to lose 2lbs. Perhaps it was because I had had my hair cut :-), but seriously I was so pleased I had not gone off the rails.

How many of us, me included, have gone to something like a slimming club, cut back on food all week to lose the weight we want, then once we come away from the club eat “bad foods” as a treat. Or, if we hadn't lost as much as we should then had “bad foods” because we were upset or disappointed. What happens then is that we give up because everything seems to be in black and white. We can't live without what we like and we put weight back on. We yo-yo diet. I have done this all my life and it's not good for your health or for your self-esteem. Now, for me, I have now reached 62 years old and not as young as some, so I have to break the pattern in my mind. My birthday was one of those times when the routine was broken and then, as I said, I found it hard to readjust. This was probably because I have been trying for eighteen months now to lose weight and I am getting bored. To have a real break was lovely but I discovered I still have a lot to learn if I am really going to crack this,

After a lot of thought I have given myself a good shake and am going to put a plan into action. I have come so far, have lost nearly five stone, and am not going to spoil things now. I have made a list of positive things that will help me focus on what I need to do. One of the positives of a group is there are other people there to share things with. I had decided a group was not for me for many other reasons so I had to work it out for myself. A group is once a week and we live with ourselves 24/7.

I made my list of things to work towards to help me focus.

1. Seeing the specialist about my joint replacements – Because of the lockdown and Coronavirus I am not sure when this will be. It should be in August but we will see what happens. I made an agreement to be 15 stone, so I still have 7 lbs to lose.
2. Hopefully we will have a family wedding in October if all goes well. I have now bought a dress, but have not been able to try it on yet as it a size smaller than I am and I hope it will fit and look good, It is only one size smaller and the wedding is three months away so it shouldn't be an impossible goal for it to fit.
3. I want to move on. I really want to be a more confident person and to be happy with who I am. As I move forward into next year and I move further along this journey, I want to find more ways to help others to know that they can come through the things I have been through, be a survivor and live a better, more complete life. I have not really worked out how I am going to do this but I will see where life takes me. I believe the opportunities are out there. I will find them and when I do I will be ready.
   I have my list of three things to work on and I will continue working on them to the best of my ability and see where it takes me. My birthday taught me I am human. I still have weaknesses, but that is okay no great harm done and we are never too old to learn lessons :-) The next half of this very strange year is in front of me and we will see where it takes me. Writing this, as always, has helped greatly, so I look forward to writing again soon.
   Jackie xx