IF I ONLY HAD TIME

 

29^th January, 2021

I remember a song, sung by Gene Pitney, years ago a song called “If I Only Had Time”. How often have we said that? Or even when we do have time, we feel that we don't want to do anything with it? I have felt just like that this week. Being able to do nothing, really nothing, is a luxury that many of us do not really have. Whether we have to go to school, college, work or have a family to look after, our level of being able to do nothing varies to many degrees. Being able to relax and do as little as we want to do can be harder than you think. I have done all the things on the above list, even at one time holding down two jobs just to survive while looking after a family and I look back now and don't know how I did it – but I did.

Now I have given up work because of my health problems – I have another four years before I can officially retire – I sometimes find it hard to adjust to. I have given and given and always had something to do for someone, and then it all changes. Add to that the fact that what you can do is limited and it takes a lot of readjustment. It can be quite frustrating and hard to accept and I often find myself feeling that I have no place. What I did before is gone and things can become meaningless. Add to that the fact that you are a lot older, have white hair, and walk with a frame and you have a good mix for self pity, feeling that you are not taken seriously anymore and you just blend into the background.

I hear people who do have busy lives saying you don't know how lucky you are, not having to work, look after a family, etc., but when you actually find yourself in that situation it's not always as good as it may seem when it's long term “retirement”. I did start putting some plans together to get me out of the house doing things but then the lockdown happened. The first half wasn't too bad, the weather was good and I was able to sit out in our front garden and talk to people that passed by. But now in the winter it is not so easy. It's now almost a year on and it is a lot harder, but I have decided that enough is enough. I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a lovely family and children who I worked hard to bring up and I am proud of for the people they have become. We have so much to look forward to and I must not forget that. When I really think about it, there are so many things I love to do and plan to do and it won't be that long before I can do them. The way that life is at the moment will change for the better and we mustn't forget that.

When I was in my first marriage and things were really hard, I would never have dreamt that I would escape my situation and get married again, this time to the most kindest, loving and supportive man and have the opportunity to enjoy a better life, but it did happen. It is so easy to feel down and lose motivation, but it is time for me to give myself a mental shake up.

It was so hard for me to sit down and put these thoughts into words but when I do it makes things seem so much clearer. I know I am grateful for what I have and I have achieved a lot in this past year. I just need to put my plans back into action and move on to a much more happy year, appreciating all that I have and making the best of it. After all, there are many who did not have the opportunity to have time on their hands.

Love to you all,

Jackie,

xx

I AM STILL AFRAID OF THE SCALES

 

19^th January 2021,

I am, indeed, still afraid of the scales, but nowhere near as much as I used to be. It still seems so silly, but scales and what they say on them have been such a big part of my life. How I felt about them, how I was treated, and on three occasions have had an effect on whether or not I would be able to have medical treatment that I needed. It shouldn't always be that way, but I will continue to cover such topics as medical care in future blogs.

I can't be the only person who is scared of scales and weight. They are such a small part of health and a weight loss journey, but that little read out can have such an effect on how you feel about yourself for the rest of the day, even though how much you weigh can be down to so many different factors. Have you just eaten or had a drink? Have you been to the toilet? What are you wearing? Are you building muscle while losing fat?

I remember talking to someone who had got weighed in front of me at a weight loss club and she had got so upset because she had put on a pound. I said to her “Didn't you just drink a very large bottle of Cola while you were waiting to be weighed?” She hadn't realised that the weight of that fluid was still inside her. She is not the only one. A lot of people don't think about weight going in and out as well as the fat you lose. I took a long time to realise why I weighed heavier at night than I did in the morning. :-)

When I started this last weight loss regime, I had to change my way of thinking. I really did have to know how much I weighed because I had to get down to the weight I had been told to for my hip replacement or a certain B.M.I. which can be worse. I managed to cope while I was getting weighed at the dietician clinic because it was once a month, so it was only once a month I was getting stressed as the appointment drew near.

When the Lockdown happened due to Covid-19, I had to make the decision to once again have a set of scales in the house, but it took me quite a while to adjust to them being there and not become obsessed in weighing myself too much and being scared of what they might say. You can try so hard all week to eat the right things and still find your weight has not gone down.

Nearly a year later now it doesn't bother me nearly as much if my weight fluctuates, which is good, but I still know at the moment I have to stay at the level asked for by the hospital.Our Doctor's scales weighed me so much heavier. There is about 7 lbs difference between the two scales, the doctor's ones weighing me heavier. This could be for many reasons, but they are the official record.

I will always have a concern for my weight, it's been there for most of my life, but I do know that there is more to it all than just weight. Losing weight still comes down to calories in and calories out, spent on living and exercise.

What you eat, getting all the nutrients you need is so important. You could eat your whole daily allowance of chocolate or not eat much at all and still lose weight but your heath would eventually suffer. I have known people, including myself in the past, think that they will cut back, lose weight fast and then when they get there adjust the diet to be healthy. It is not a good way to do it.

With me, at the moment, I can not do a lot of physical exercise, and because of this my daily calorie intake is less than someone who runs a lot or goes to exercise classes or the gym. I have to be so careful to make sure I find a balance between eating the required nutrients and losing weight. I have managed to do that even though at the moment I am very anaemic and we are not sure as to why just yet. The doctors are aware and I am in the process of trying to find out why, which at the moment means very strong iron tablets along with the problems they can cause. :-)

There are many reasons why an individual wants to lose weight, but in the long term what it says on the scales is not more important than health and well being.

Scales are a tool, but should not be the only indicator of importance and definitely should not be feared or used as a weapon to be able to tell you off about your health.

That's all for now,

Love, Jackie xx

P.S. I have started to lose the weight I put on over the Christmas period! :-)

ALWAYS MOVING FORWARD

 

15^th January, 2021,

Last time I was writing about the benefits of knowing just why you are really doing something, and for all the right reasons. I know that for me, in my past, I didn't really know about much in my life, especially the weight loss. Whether it was because someone else was telling me to do it, or I thought I had to look a certain way for value, or I thought it would make all my problems go away... the list goes on. These weren't going to change my life or make my problems go away, at least not just with weight loss.

When I first got together with my first husband, he made it quite clear he liked the nature I had and and the body “HE” could change. Looking back now I had no self-esteem and was far too trusting, but I was only 16 years old and knew no different really. I thought losing weight would make me the person he wanted me to be. If only I could talk with my younger self now, but to be honest I probably wouldn't have listened and I am who I am today because of my past, hard as it was at the time. I have a lot to be grateful for. I wasn't really happy with the strict regime I was put under, especially before we got married in 1980, but I felt it was the way it should be, and that he really cared about how I should be and what was best because he loved me.

I remember really cutting back on my food, being hungry and then, when he went to work, binging on food because he wasn't there to see me. I was going to a slimming club at the time and being afraid that he would be so angry at me if I didn't lose weight and that he might find out what I was doing. I would take laxatives before the club weigh in, in the hope that it would make the scales go the right way. I have a very clear memory of being stuck in the public loo near the slimming club venue because I had taken so many laxatives that I was unable to leave. It was such a stupid thing to do but I wasn't the first – or last – to take such drastic actions. Thankfully this was a stage that passed quickly and didn't develop into something far more serious. I was young and had no real outside support and thought it was just the way it should be.

How many other young girls have been put in positions like this? I lost weight and was able to get a wedding dress that I could afford and liked, but even on our wedding day he made comments on how silly I looked. So sad, but I think you only realise what things can be like if you have experienced similar things in your life. Throughout the following years I lost and then put on weight at least three or four more times for various reasons. From because I was bullied into doing it, to trying to be my own person during my divorce and finally for my suffering health, but old habits die hard. The way you try to do it is the way you have learnt over your life and restriction and drastic weight control doesn't last for long.

This time it had to be a life style change, I had to learn what worked for me in a sustainable way and realise that even when you have lost weight it is not the answer to all life's problems, they do not go away overnight with the melting fat.

Hopefully I have learnt this time how to look after myself better and I knew I stood the chance of long term success if I did. As the saying goes you can't pour from an empty jug and I have tried so hard this time to look after myself and do things for the right reasons. It has not been easy, and it is still a very long steep learning curve, but it is never too late to put things right. Last year was such a changing point in my life and I will carry on this year to achieve the goals I have set out for myself. My life in the beginning was not always great and it would have been so much nicer to have had more support but I am who I am as I said, and I have so much to be grateful for. I have been given a second chance, and even if it was so much later in life it is never too late. The New Year is ahead of us all and hopefully at the end of it we will be able to look back and appreciate what we have learnt and have some great memories.

That's all for now,

Love, an older and wiser Jackie

xx

NEW YEAR, A REALISATION I AM A NEW ME (WELL, NEARLY! :-) )

9^th January, 2021

Well, here we are. 2020 has just left and 2021 crept in, in a new and strange way. Many things are different, but what is still the same is the idea of a New Year, a new you – whatever that means to the individual. In the last few days, diets, losing weight, not dieting and diets that don't work seem to be trending on social media in one way or another. This happens every year, year in, year out, but for some of us it is just carrying on with something we have already started. One thing is for sure. I know why I had to start my weight loss journey this time for my health and the surgery I need, but there were many times in the past that I really did not know why I should lose weight. I didn't know that at the time, but it has become very clear to me this time when I have really thought about things in a very different way.

Knowing why you are doing something is always a good start, but how often do we really know, or find some kind of justification as to why we are doing it even when it doesn't feel completely right.

I realise now that when I lost weight when I was younger, I didn't really know why. It was all for the wrong reasons. By the time I was twenty years old I was living with my ex-husband and really had lost any independence that I had had. I had no family nearby, and I didn't really have any friends. I was, without realising it, very gullible. That's very common for someone in a controlling situation. There was nobody to advise or help me and I don't even know at that stage if I would have listened to anyone. My then boyfriend, later husband ( ex ) had complete control. It seems so strange looking back now at those times. I really feel for anyone that is in a controlling, abusive relationship and at the stage where they don't even realise what is happening to them, and possibly even at a later stage when it is so difficult to escape. Everyone else thinks that the problem is with you, because your partner is such a charmer and everyone thinks that they are such a wonderful person.

“What happens behind closed doors” as the saying goes, but what I will say is that time and actions show the true character. This isn't any help at the time, but having survived and looking back now I can find some comfort when others start to realise the truth. I am grateful for where I am now. I have really gone off on a tangent, but I am always conscious of who maybe reading this and if anything helps just one person in any way it is always a blessing. I will leave my writing for now and return soon in part two to continue writing about my past diets and my present lifestyle change and the differences I have found.

Until then,

Love Jackie

xx

    

 

31^st December, 2020

We are now here at the end of that very strange year, 2020. So much has been lost, and that must never be forgotten or belittled, but hopefully in the years to come we will look back and see some positivity in all this. Hard, I know, at the moment. I was in a strange frame of mind as Christmas drew near. I do have many positive memories of Christmas in past years, but there have also been so many bad, negative, memories and I have to try so hard to keep a balance. When I was with my ex-husband, he had a habit of doing his best to spoil any special occasion he could, in whatever way he could, and there have been some really horrible times.

We have not been in a relationship for nearly 20 years, but those memories burn into your brain and bubble back up to the surface if you let them. I have found ways to cope with them, but it can still be hard. Having said that, apart from the fact that we couldn't be with our family this year (they are now in tier 4, while we are still – for now at least – still in tier 3), we had a lovely day. Christmas came and went, with a new way of coping and I also realised how different it had become for me in my relationship with food.

I had a lovely Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, with lots of lovely festive food and drink and didn't worry about what I was consuming as I would have done in past years. Just before Christmas there was a slight panic, but not over Christmas itself. My panic may come across to some as silly, but to me it was real. Since I saw the orthopaedic specialist and was approved for my hip surgery, I have not lost much more weight. He was so adamant that I should be that weight, I panicked that I would put weight on, be called for the operation after Christmas and be refused because of my weight. That was not going to happen, in the fact that I am not going to be called in for the operation at the moment, but that did not stop the worry. It's a ludicrous situation, that all this depends on my B.M.I., but that is for another blog. After talking things over with Steve, the panic was put to rest and I was able to enjoy the festive days without a second thought until Boxing Day

That morning I got up, came downstairs and started to think about what I wanted for breakfast and realised I was ready to go back to what I usually ate. It was a very strange feeling. We had had some wonderful food, but I was beginning to feel that I wanted to go back to “normal”. Normal is not a good word to use but I wanted to go back to the way of eating I have established and made my lifestyle change this past year.

Festive food is lovely, rich and sugary, but lovely. However, I had to go back to the foods I liked to eat and the way I need to eat. I want to lose another two stone in the New Year, but at this time I just want to get back to the way I am more comfortable with and this time this feeling was so different to past years when I wanted to diet and felt so guilty if I ate what I shouldn't.

This time I felt that I could eat what I liked without guilt, but now I know when I have had enough. It was a lovely feeling because I felt that this time I was beginning to address the relationship I have with food.

For me, as with many others, it will never be easy but I have learnt so much, and I am able to move forward to the next stage of reaching my ideal weight. This year has gone and the new one is just about here and let us hope it is a much better one for us all. I am so pleased to be back writing my thoughts, So I'll be back again soon.

See you then,

Love, Jackie

xx

WHAT A YEAR 2020 HAS BEEN!

 

15^th December, 2020.

We are now in the middle of December, coming up to Christmas and the end of one of the strangest years of my life. I thought last year was a strange one for me personally, but this year it has hit everyone at different levels. We don't know what can happen in a year. When you think about it, it sounds a long time but when you look back you wonder where the time went. Last year I didn't really think I could achieve what I wanted to do, but I gave it a go and I managed to get there. I was cleared to have my joint replacement operations (still waiting) and I am six and a half stones – that's 91 pounds – lighter. I started taking weight loss more seriously this time last year and once I had seen the orthopaedic specialist in March and I knew what I had to do and I did it.

For a lot of people when the Covid-19 lockdown happened here in the United Kingdom, they found that they ate more sugary foods etc. and gained weight. I could not afford to do that. I found that being stuck at home help me to concentrate on me and I learned so much. Having the time helped me to really think about me and how I wanted to live my life to the best I could. I am now beginning to feel proud of my achievement, even though I know I will never stop learning and developing the way I think. There are so many new developments and things to think about and I think we should always be open to new ideas and not become stale in what we know and think.

I was finally contacted by the N.H.S. weight management team, the first time since March, and I was able to tell them about my weight loss. After we had discussed how I had managed without their input for eight months we talked about where I wanted to go from here. Even though I went through so many emotions about the situation I was left in at the beginning of lockdown, they agreed that the achievement of weight loss was all mine, which was nice, and we were able to discuss ideas of weight management. It was good to talk about this with someone else, I must admit, and have some expert input. They are now going to ring me in January.

As we are now in the last month of this very strange year many of us just want to put it all in a box and move forward to 2021 to see what it brings. This is what I want to do too. We are coming up to the time of eating far more than usual and the possibility of putting on a few pounds :-). This is fine, there is nothing wrong with this and when we have done this and got to the end of the year we should not feel guilty, but many of will.

January is that time of year that many of us think, “Oh my goodness! We have put weight on and now we must panic! Start a diet! Join a gym and lose it!”

By the end of January, if we get that far, all good intentions have faded. When you are feeling guilty and being bombarded by the weight loss industry to put it right, give yourself a moment to think about how you got to your situation. Really think about what is right for you to achieve, not only in weight loss but to make it the best way for you. I will do my best to enjoy myself throughout the festive season, watching what I eat but also enjoying good food and treats without guilt. Once December has gone I will assess where I am and move on from there.

I will draw my blog to a close now until the New Year, but I will be back. It's not been a good year, but let us hope as we move into 2021 that there is a light at the end of the tunnel . Enjoy your festive times the best way you can and I will see you on the other side.

Love Jackie

xx

PS. Before I finish for the year, here's a little whimiscal thought for you.

WHAT WOULD THE CAVE PERSON DO?

Can you imagine weight loss in prehistoric times? Cave people lined up to get weighed by the Cave Person Weight Loss Leader. You can hear the excuses now.

“Well, we caught our first animal in weeks, and we had to eat it all, because we are in the middle of the weather being hot and we had nowhere to store it, so we ate it and now I've put 2 lbs on!”

“I haven't managed to get a lightweight fur yet and this fur is drenched because it rained and all the extra weight is water!”

“I haven't had to run away from as many wild animals this week, so I haven't had as much exercise as I need!”

They didn't have to make excuses, and neither should we. In the greater picture, it doesn't matter.

IF YOU WANT TO DO IT, NO EXCUSES, TRY TO DO IT

 

2^nd December, 2020

Many years ago now, seems like a lifetime ago, I was in an abusive relationship. I was young and a little more naïve than I am now (still a work in progress) and did not have any family support whatsoever. My father had never been there, I was disowned by my mother shortly after marrying my first husband and my grandma, who I looked after, had Alzheimer's. My husband's family really didn't understand what was going on. Any friends I had made, especially after I had my children, my husband got rid of one way or another, except for one who I still know today, even though we now live 250 miles away from each other.

I was near enough completely on my own, coping with an abusive husband, looking after two small children and an elderly relative with Alzheimer's. I did my best. That is what I felt I had to do, I struggled on , but slowly I found it harder and harder. I had very little money and no way out. Now, this is not a “feel sorry for Jackie” story, I promise. I resorted to going to see my doctor, who was very old school, near retirement and middle class, as I didn't know what to do. His advice was either do something about it or put up with it. At the time I thought “thank you very much – NOT!”, but now, looking back years later, I can sort of see what he meant.

Resources these days are limited, but back then there was very little help at all. At one point I was offered a place in a refuge, but at that time I weighed up the pros and cons and didn't think it was for us. We weren't in physical danger, at least not at that time., and rightly or wrongly I progressed through the years. I did have a plan. I retrained, got qualifications, which helped for a while, got different jobs and eventually managed to split from my first husband. I still made sure he was okay, I may add, he had alcohol and mental health problems, I am just that kind of person, but you can't help being the person you are. Anyway, in the end, we had survived and life went on.

You might be thinking at this stage what has this got to do with weight loss? Going back to the days when that doctor said that to me it was not easy to take, but if you are in a situation you have to make that decision. Do you do something about it, or do you accept it? It's not easy and everybody's situation is different but if you really want to something you have to try to do something about it, no matter how long it takes. I started thinking about this because I hear so many reasons and excuses as to why some people can't lose weight. On the internet there are so many groups where they say weight loss is not possible.

There are many reasons why weight loss may not be easy. Hormones, medication, not being able to exercise or other health reasons, but it is possible. I have proved it. You really must want it and put the work in. Seeing a purpose to what you want to do, knowing the reason and finding the way. It may take a lot of time and you may have to do it by yourself but you can do it. That feeling when you have looked at what you want to achieve and found a way to do it, and then finally done it is amazing. You may struggle along the way and it may take a long time but you can do it.

In these present times knowledge is so much more easily accessible, and understanding of situations has moved on greatly with so much more support available, but it still comes down to you yourself no one can do it for you. Know what it is you want to achieve, do your research and go for it and at least you can say you've tried.

My weight loss has come to a standstill at the moment. I can't do much exercise because of my health and mobility problems and I don't feel I can cut down too much more on my calorie intake (I'm not doing 1000 calories per day like I did last time) but I will not give up. My goal was to get to the weight and BMI I needed to be at for my hip operation, which I did, but I still have a little more I'd like to lose in the New Year for our son and future daughter-in-law's wedding next November.

So, Jackie, look at what you have achieved and move on. And move on I will because it may not always be easy, but I will not give in that easily. I want to do something about it and I will.

Until next time,

Love Jackie

xx