REINVENTING THE WHEEL

 

26^th February, 2022

It isn't often when I sit down to write my blog that I know what the title is going to be. I have thoughts in my head that I want to get down on paper and the title comes at some point thereafter, but this time it was there first. It just seemed to be the right one for this blog. Someone asked me a few nights ago what my blog was about and I struggled to answer. Isn't it strange how you do something and really enjoy it, to you it seems so simple but then when you are asked about it you struggle. Is it because you feel someone else would think it silly and not worthy, or just that you don't want to feel a fool for doing something you are not good at? There is always the chance that someone may think that, but if they do it doesn't really matter. We should be proud of whatever we do, but confidence is not always as high as it should be. I have tried so hard since I had to leave work, nearly four years ago now, to make the best of every day life. Not always easy when we lost two years of that during Covid lockdowns, plus the time I lost because of illness, but I never stop trying! :-) I have made a few mistakes along the way, but it's all a learning process, and we are never too old to learn. There are, and will be, so many times in your life you may find you need to reinvent yourself. No one knows what may happen next and things in life can change so, so quickly.

Nothing stays the same forever and it is much better to move along with our situation the best way we can. Since the New Year I have tried out a number of new things. Clubs and groups etc., some with my husband Steve and some by myself. Some haven't worked out, which is fine but the main thing is knowing that they are not for me and moving on.

I think it's all about being with like minded people, but it takes time to find this out and not being afraid to say “This isn't for me”. Thankfully though some of the groups and clubs are working out well for me at the moment which is great and I am able to expand what I do both by myself and as a couple with Steve.

The weight management is also coming together well after an iffy three months. As part of my referral for my other joint operations I have been sent to see a health and wellbeing coach. I thought at first it was going to be weight management and wasn't sure how I would feel, but it's not that at all.

It is more about what we eat and the best way for it to be more balanced. The chap I saw was surprised about how much I already knew, but it is good to be able to be able to chat with someone and perhaps learn new ideas and research. I look forward to attending these appointments and getting new support after doing it so long on my own. Even though I lost 100 lbs by myself, extra support when you are wondering what to do next always helps. So this is where the wheels of Jackie living the best life she can starts to be incorporated into my writing. To document all I do has always been important for my wellbeing, and it will continue to be that way.

I wrote once about a phoenix rising from the ashes. I wonder how many times that happens? I don't know, but here we are.

Moving forward my blog will be partly weight loss, and partly life as I see it. I think that this will be a good balance. I don't want to change the title of my blog, it has been with me eight years now but I know I sometimes need to add more content. There is so much more to life than just weight loss. It has been, if you'll excuse the pun, a large part of my life and always will be, but I want to have more. I am getting greedy, not for food anymore but for life. I want life, my life, to be the best it can be.

I am not sure what will happen over the next few months or years, but I know that most of the time it will be fun finding out.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie.

xx

CONQUERING THROUGH RECOGNITION

 18^th February 2022

I went out last Saturday on a very cold and wet afternoon to hear a talk by Katie Portman entitled “Why Fear Can Be Your Best Friend” at a local book shop.

I had last seen Katie two years ago at the launch of her first book “A Little Pick Me Up”, and it was her that was one of the inspirations for me to start blogging again. It was really strange to be able to go out to hear a talk again and it was so apt that one of my first was by Katie. As I sat there listening to her speak and talk about fear, I began to realise how far I have come in the last two years. I started to write again and reinvent myself just as the Covid lockdown hit us all. I was at the beginning of my last weight loss journey and at the time I knew that a drastic problem (my health and weight issues) needed drastic action. It was like a lots things are, a situation that you find yourself in that needs dealing with, and you don't consciously think about how hard it is going to be. It needs to be done and you do it. How many times in the past have we dealt with problems in our lives like that? Your back is against the wall and you have to think on your feet, but you do it and move on!

Do we ever take the time to think about just what we have done and how hard it really was? I don't think we do. We don't give ourselves credit for what we have done. It needed doing and we did it but we may have been so brave to actually make that decision. In my past it hasn't always been plain sailing. Deciding what to do when it was only me with no one to ask was difficult. I often could not find a way out straight away and when a solution did come it wasn't always in the way that I expected.

I wrote in my poem “The Dog” (I do wonder if I should change the title :-)) how I was too young and, later on, too busy surviving to really know what was happening. I think too that if you did think too much about the task you would be too scared to do it. Sometimes you do have to go for things and trust that you are on the right road. It is only as you get older that you have time to really think a bit about what have you have done in your life and really think to yourself “Did I do that”? So many memories, both good and bad come flooding back. Times when I was really afraid, but life happened and I am still here.

When I saw Katie two years ago I had just about hit rock bottom. Circumstances around that time had left me numb inside. Any energy I had left was given to everyone else as I always do, and I had no feelings left for myself. I didn't want to think about my health, my appearance or anything really but I knew something had to be done, and done it was. Looking back, during Katie's talk last week I realised just how far up the right road I had come and I felt very emotional. This Jackie is still a work in progress, but she definitely is a very different Jackie. It's not always been easy. I do still slip back inside myself at times, but I know now when I am there and know ways to help myself feel better. I want to hold on to the Jackie that is here now. My blog has helped me so much to unravel just how I feel. When it is written down on paper, it's not in my mind anymore. :-)

My weight loss journey continues. I am hoping to have a knee replacement May time this year and referrals have now gone in for a further hip and knee replacement on my other side. Because of my other health issues I know I have to continue to look after myself , and look after myself I will, being as brave as I can be, always keeping fear in perspective.

Lots of love,

Until next time,

Jackie

xx

THE DOG

The dog needs a name,

It needs to be recognised.

It comes to remind me of what I have been through,

What I have survived.

In the past I have been in bad, terrible, stressful situations.

I was too young and in later years too busy just surviving to even know what it was,

That I felt the way I did because it was there,

Constantly chewing away in my head.

Times and things changed, I thought it had gone away,

But it was loyal,

As dogs are,

And would visit constantly to trouble me.

I had failed.

I couldn't keep it away, it would return time and time again.

It wouldn't leave me in peace.

Then one day it happened.

I realised that the dog would always be there,

It would never ever fully go away,

It had a purpose and would always be there!

It was me that had to learn to live with it,

Know that under all that fur when it had been given a good trim,

It wasn't as big as I thought it was.

We could live together.

I was beginning to realise that I could learn how to be the master,

It could do it's job to remind me what I had survived,

That I could be strong,

I was still here!

While accepting who the dog was, I had also started to accept myself,

For who I was,

To believe in who I am,

That I am the one that matters.

The dog does need a name,

It needs to be recognised,

It's name is Depression,

But through that recognition, for me it's powers have and will continue to dwindle.

SIZE, THE NUMBER ON THE LABEL

11^th February, 2020

I looked at Mother-Of-The-Groom outfits for a long length of time as my son and daughter-in law's wedding was put off twice because of Covid. The wedding finally happened last November. It was a fantastic day, a very special time for a very proud mother. For quite a while afterwards the days felt so flat and even Christmas didn't seem the same, although to be fair, for a number of reasons I am not keen on Christmas. Mother-of-the-Groom outfits still pop up on my YouTube and Facebook feeds and I found myself watching one for old time's sake. :-)

What I found interesting was what the lady said about dress sizes. She said that because of design and quality of fabric the dresses came up small and that ladies should order one size up to get the correct fit. She went on to say “don't let that bother you ladies, you are still the size you are, the dress size is just a number on a label”. It is, but it would, and does, bother so many ladies. Ladies wanting to be a size 12 or 14 (in the UK) if the dress label doesn't say that on the dress that fits them then it's the end of the world. They feel they are not the size a perfect woman should be. Is it only women, or do men also feel that way about their clothes? I am not sure, but I have heard it being said so many times “I am not buying that it's a 16!” or “Oh, I need to lose weight now because that dress doesn't fit.”

Do they ever think NO! It's not them, it's how the item has been made, or there isn't any stretch to the fabric. It's almost like it has to be us that is wrong, not the size. I shop for a lot of my clothes in charity shops because you can sometimes find a real bargain, get something really different, and often get really good quality clothes at a really hefty discounted price. What I soon learnt as I went through the racks was look at everything. Size is just a guide. Things are cut differently and to different clothes  patterns. It's how it looks and fits that is the main thing. Cut the label out if it bothers you, but don't miss out because of a number on a label.

I am not sure where the idea of women having to be a certain size comes from. I suspect it would change from country to country, but I also think the fashion industry plays a large part in all of this too. All the models you saw years ago were tiny. It has changed a little in modern times with plus size models and larger clothes sizes but the main focus is still on the smaller models,actresses,and a lot of other women in the public eye. There are far more small sizes on the rails in a clothes store, even though the most common size is said to be a UK size 16. It's also cheaper to make smaller clothes.

When I worked in retail there were four size 12 and 14s to every two size 16/18s. There are quite often more smaller sizes left in the sales. What ever size we are, we really need to happy with who we are. Not because of a number printed on a label, that is just a guide, but because we are comfortable and healthy at the size we are. Healthy at that present moment and also thinking about our health as we get older. To fixate on a size can not only cause upset, but also health issues both physically and mentally.

When you look at clothes try not to take a lot of notice of the number. Look instead at the cut, the dimensions and the colour. Then look at the price. :-) Try it on if you can and look at how it fits on you and how it flatters your body shape. Don't miss out because of that small piece of fabric inside the garment says the wrong number.

That's all for now.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie.

xx

KEEP IT REAL

 4^th February, 2022

I started to write this blog in March 2014. I needed to lose weight. There have been many times in the past I have needed to lose weight, but this time I thought I would track my journey. I think my daughter might have suggested a bolg when we chatted about me writing a diary. Blogs were the in thing at the time and my daughter knew someone who was doing quite well with hers financially. After a lot of thought I started one, not because I wanted to make any money, but because it seemed a good way to get my message and my feelings out to a wider audience, as opposed to keeping it all to myself in a diary.

I did stop writing in 2015 when life got in the way, as so often happens, and I started to slip back into my old habits of using food as a crutch. A solution to problems I had as it was easier to eat than to face the situation I was in. For four years I was back to the overweight and unhappy person I was used to being.

In 2019 things had to change, and in 2020 I started to write again after being encouraged by my family, and also local writer Katie Portman, to put my feelings and passions into words. It has not always been an easy task for me, but over the last 2 and a half years or so I have lost the weight (100 pounds ish) and now I am here wondering what to do next.

Now, there is a reason I wanted to recap the origins of blog and the reasons I personally write. Some people enjoy writing fiction, whether based on true fact, or totally made up. That is what they do, and get enjoyment and a feeling of fulfilment from it. It has been suggested to me to take my writings about myself and do the same. That they might be better like that. Not so personal as a blog can be and things may be better kept anonymous. That's their opinion and they are probably correct, but at the moment that does not sit easy with me. My blog was started about me. My opportunity to write about me. Selfish or not, it was my chance to say what I felt about the things that bothered me. There is value in blog writing if only for self expression. Blogging should be considered as a form of writing.

For a long time in my life I didn't matter, what I felt was irrelevant and then things – life – changed for the better. I do not really know who reads my blog. At I write this, I have had nearly 42700 page views on the 135 posts I have written so far, and the vast majority are from people I do not, and never will, know. This has always been fine with me. I write because I really love to write. What I write is an honest and personal account about me. I am very proud of how far I have come and I am not ashamed of anything I have had to cope with in my life.

If anyone reading my work gets strength from this, then that is absolutely fantastic. My weight loss journey has almost ended but as one journey ends, another one begins. A journey of maintaining my weight loss in the long term, and learning to deal with life's ups and downs in a different way. The great big journey of life goes only one way. We can't go back and start again, but what we can do is enjoy all the good things that come our way.

In fact, go looking for those good things while pushing the bad things back into the shadows where they belong. Learn how to deal with those problems and never let them grow any bigger than they should.

I know that my blog's content will change. It started with weight loss and will continue with “What Jackie Did Next”, but it will always remain a personal, honest and real life account of who I am and what makes me tick.

I always said in those dark days that I could not see an escape from, that one day I wanted to look back on my life satisfied and with no regrets, and I continue to work on that.

 My journey continues...

All for now, until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx

IS A SKIRT GOING TO HELP YET AGAIN?

 28^th January 2022

I was going through a very hard and strange time when I was writing my last blog, and my mind went off on one of it's “I will make your writing hand move the way I want it to” moments. :-) It can do that sometimes and I let it because that's the way I have learnt to feel better about a situation. I learnt this nearly nine years ago when I first started to write this blog. I needed to keep my mind clear to lose weight and writing helped me to do that. At the moment I find writing alone is not helping as much as it used to and I am now trying out lots of new ideas to keep me occupied and not constantly think about food.

I don't know if it's the time of year, or the fact that it is so cold, or even something else, but I do seem to think about food more than I have been. It's easier in warmer weather when you can fill up on salads and other low calorie foods, but in Winter it feels like there is only so much soup you can eat without feeling bored. There is also the fact that Winter clothes cover up so much.

Before we know it the warmer weather will be upon us and there will be nowhere to hide our bodies. I will feel so let down with myself if I can't at least maintain the weight I have reached. I was listening to Carla Jenkins on her “Calorie Crush” YouTube posts (I have mentioned her before in my blog) and she was saying she was finding it harder to lose weight now. She is at year two, week twenty of her weight loss journey. She started at 27 stone and 2 pounds, and at the moment she is 19 stone and 11 pounds, with some more weight to go.

She, like me, has a long, long journey, one that has to be there for the rest of her life. If only it was like getting in a car and going from A to D, and once there that was it. You could go back to the way you lived, the way you ate and you didn't step back on that slippery slope back to A. Somehow you need to keep going from B to C, C to D and stay there without going back.

We can't help who we are, what has made us this way, but we can take responsibility for where we want to be. My plan at the moment is damage limitation. I refuse point blank to once agin go back to where I was at 20 stone plus, but it is never going to be easy, especially at this stage of the game.

I am finding the scales frustrating. I have the older type with a dial and they don't show the smallest weight loss, unlike those that are digital. Unless you lose a couple of pounds, it doesn't show and at this stage of my journey, I may only lose a half pound a week.

I have decided for now to go back to not getting weighed. It's a bit of a risk, I know, but getting on those scales every morning and not seeing any change is so frustrating and depressing. Instead, I will, for now, gauge it with my clothes and how they feel. I know what I eat in a day, I know if it is “right” or “wrong” and I know the consequences, so in that situation the scales won't help me anyway. They will just add to the frustration of it all. I have done it before with monthly weigh-ins, and I will do it again. I don't need the scales to tell me. Words that can lead to a downfall, I know, but I am giving it a go. Scales were never my friend, anyway, so I won't miss them. I have a skirt that I bought the other day that is a little bit tight for me at the moment. It only cost £1 in the charity shop sale and instead of taking it back, I am going to see if I can lose the small amount I need to to get it to fit. I know they say you shouldn't use this method, but it has worked for me in the past, and that £1 skirt may give me the inspiration to lose the few pound in weight I need.

I will let you all know how I get on, but after losing weight this time over the course of just over two years, a new way of monitoring success may be just what I need. I promise – and I don't promise this lightly – a photo will follow in the future.

Until next time,

Lots of love,

Jackie

xx

THE FACULTY BY WHICH THE MIND STORES AND REMEMBERS INFORMATION

 25^th January, 2022

It is getting towards the end of January now, and it always amazes me how time flies by. It was my daughter's 40^th birthday on the 21^st and the years have certainly flowed away so quickly. Those years, and the ones before her birth contained so many, many memories. Some good, some not so good, but we are still here and each memory is precious, either for the happiness it gives or for the lessons left for us to hopefully learn from.

I find it easier now to be more philosophical because I am here looking back. Sometimes the reality of what happened in those years hits me and I am left wondering how I survived. But survive I did. When I relive moments in my head it can feel like some fictional story but it wasn't, it was real and I was one of the lead characters. Perhaps one day I will go into more details about my personal history, but I don't think I could do it as me, so to speak. It would have to be under a nom-de-plume. It could hopefully help those who are going through similar situations know they are not alone, how they are living is not “normal”, things can change and life can become so much better. Writing as someone else would also protect the ones that are intermeshed with my story to give them the privacy they deserve. Who knows, I will have to give this all some deep thought.

Life and memories are so important. When I was young I lived with my Grandparents as my mother was single and when she wasn't working she was always going out or going away somewhere. She had married my father when she was 17 years old on a cold and snowy day in January 1958. I was born in a much warmer July of the same year so I think you may have realised I too was at the wedding in a much smaller way :-)

After the marriage broke up about seven or eight years later she was still young and perhaps wanted to catch up with the youth she had missed out on. We had moved in with my Grandparents so catch up she did. At the time it was hard for me but looking back at the situation years later, I realised what a blessing it was. I spent a lot of time with my Grandad who I loved, he hadn't had an easy life but he just got on with things and always seemed to have a solution to problems as they arose. Grandma was always telling me stories of her childhood. This paid off in later years when she was diagnosed as having Alzheimer's.  When her mind took her back to her past, I knew what she was talking about and we could chat together. This was a hard but special time.She only had me to care for her in her last few years as my mother had disowned her and me but that, as they say, is another story.

When we are young family history can seem so boring but as we get older it can take on a whole new meaning. We have time to think about what went before and what made us who we are. How I wish I could travel back in time and see those family events first hand, rather than piecing together the different facts and stories.

This blog today, as you will have probably noticed, is not about weight loss, except life experiences can shape and mold us into who we are and be part of why we gain weight. How we deal with difficulties and problems can be limited to our experience. Past fears need to be overcome before we can move on.

For a lot of us there is far more to losing weight than watching what we eat and exercising more. We can over eat to deal with emotions and feelings and this can only really be addressed by knowing what the triggers are and learning how to overcome them.

I have realised over the years, especially after looking after my Grandma, just how important memories can be. I will move forward documenting mine in one form or another. Hopefully I can express who I feel I truly am, how it all was. Anyone interested  will be able to hear it from me. They will know my side of a story. 

Who knows many years from now what will be thought of all this I don't know I won't be there! :-)

Oh well, that's all for now, perhaps next time I will write the blog I actually sat down to write before my mind took over and I digressed!

Until next time,

Love, Jackie

xx

NEVER TOO OLD TO LEARN A NEW TRICK OR TWO!

 

15^th January, 2022

We are all probably doing our best to get through January. It can be a hard month, but it can literally have it's rays of sunshine. My daughter was born in late January 40 years ago, and it was a beautiful sunny day. She was born in a military hospital, the Louise Margaret in Aldershot. Although it was a military hospital, it was available to us civilians too. It was a wonderful hospital, where both my children were born, and you couldn't ask for better treatment, even from a private hospital.

I had my own room during labour and I clearly remember looking out on a wonderful garden, bathed in golden sunshine. It helped me take my mind off things, if only for a little while. :-) Some how, sunshine and bright blue skies always seem to make you feel better. They give you hope of better things to come. Life may change, but always hope for the better and do your best to make it that way.

I am carrying on with my plan to motivate myself. Little things that concentrate my mind and encourage good habits. At the moment I have been posting a photo of one brooch from my collection on Instagram each day, and saying something about it. I know that it might seem a trivial thing to do, but it focuses my mind on finding the brooches, photographing them and then putting them online each day.

When you are at home a lot, for whatever reason, it is so easy to slip into doing nothing all day and a task as small as this helps you to establish the get up, dress up and get on with life attitude you really do need if you are going to feel your best.

I have collected my brooches over a long period of time, and each and every one has a special memory. I have always loved jewellery and shiny things. They can be so small, but can bring so much joy. When I was over 20 stone, a lot of jewellery didn't seem to “fit”, but a brooch always did. I have around about forty four at the moment, But I know my collection hasn't stopped. Most of them haven't cost a lot of money, not that that matters, but they all shine in one way or another. You do run the risk of damaging them if you wear them too much, but they are there to be worn and they give me so much pleasure, and hopefully others appreciate them too.

I am always looking at different ways to wear things and adapt them possibly for a different use. As I have said before, I do love to shop in a charity shop or two. Not really ever having a lot of disposable cash, it definitely is a cheaper way to dress yourself, especially if you don't mind being a little imaginative and think out of the box. There are so many treasures you can find, and up to now I have, and I am still going. ☺️

There is someone I have found on YouTube who is such an inspiration. The name of her channel is “PoppyK” and it can be found at https://www.youtube.com/user/ktcreid. She is based here in the UK, not America as so many are, and she does a lot of charity shop and vintage outlet shopping. How she manages to pick up some of the wonderful things she does, I am not sure, but she does and puts them together in outfits that give people inspiration to give it a go themselves. Maybe not in the same way that she does, but it opens the mind to new ways of thinking. She also has videos of when she has upcycled items, either by embellishing what she has bought, to help it to fit better, or completely changing something into something else.

She is an inspiration to watch and has such an imagination when it comes to putting her charity shop finds together. I know that watching her has definitely given me some new and much needed ideas. She is well worth a watch or two... or three ☺️

I have started going through my clothes rail with a different pair of eyes. Over the next few weeks I shall start to put outfits together for Spring, which is rapidly approaching, (yes, it will come), and see what I need to keep and what I can give away. As I have a rule of one thing given away, one thing gained, I may be in for a charity shop hunt very shortly indeed.

I will let you know how it all goes, but in the meantime give “PoppyK” a watch. You too may learn something new.

Until next time,

Love, Jackie.

xx